I have shared My Life experiences in here.I write and shed light on My Life,hoping it would bring about a small change and make a difference to another.In the hope, that it may in some way, Help another who is reading and also learn from My Life Experiences. So here goes another one of my Fact of Life....Experience !!!
This incident happened nearly 22 yrs ago. I was singing as I was packing my bags with clothes and blankets and other small belongings to go off to the University to do my Masters in Sociology.For the first time in 22 yrs I would be away from Home.I was off to Mysore, Karnataka,India, A tiny Historical city away from my home town.I smelt "Freedom" and the excitement I was going through is something I can't put in words,it was total......F.R.E.E.D.O.M . Before I proceed ,I have some very Important people I need to mention in this indecent, 1) Vidya , 2) Shilpa-----( My friends, from my Hometown)the three of us, did our Masters together. Vidya and Shilpa did their Masters in English Literature.
3) Pandu-----he is Vidya's Cousin and my senior plus a very good family friend and to top it,he was also Shilpa's neighbor !!!
4) Kumar-----we called him Kumar anna as he was much older to us,Kumar anna was Pandu's co-worker and lived near by to Pandu's house. Last but not the least......
5) Vicky-------Vidya's boy friend. Lastly
6) kalpana------again Vidya's Cousin sister.
The above mentioned people have all played a vital role in this Incident of mine.Hence,its important that I mention their names and how they are all related to me and among themselves.
I was in the final yr of my M.A. The three of us Vidya,Shilpa and myself used to stay at the hostel. which was located next door to the university.It was a very relaxed,open and cool kind of hostel with no hard and fast rules.Infact,it was quite liberal.Yet,on weekends we would long for a escape to Pandu's house.Pandu lived near by ( luckily) The reason why we 3 longed to go to Pandu's place was to..... "Hog" !!! Lolz. small things which we take for granted, when we live at home with our parents,had all turned into luxury. Like for instance The Phone,The TV, The Refrigerator, Food, All of these seemed like luxury when we stayed at the hostel. Pandu was well aware of this,and he would go out of his way to stock the refrigerator for us (so sweet of Him),Then we had the luxury of using his land line for Freeeee...(wow what a luxury) and to top it,we had our own private TV with a video player (DVD wasn't invented then,22yrs ago). He too loved our company,Well tell me who wouldn't ?? We were all cute and charming ;) and made his boring bachelor days more fun. We were also partners in Crime....We would give him and his set of friends company at clubs these were kinda exclusive clubs,were only couples are given admission,If your stag,then you would be, politely asked to leave.Well,so this was kinda working well for us and him.
Every time Pandu left town ( which was twice a month ) He would hand over the house keys to us,and we 3 used to just wait for this opportunity to stay at his place. He had a few rules for us to follow,which we didn't mind. First and foremost was to keep all the "Doors Locked" very important.....then to put a lock on the front Gate !! again Very Important. Then, He had a request...He would say...{" Tey goode goode,shorts ani mini skirts ghaalnuu,bhaayri bhovnookachi go"} Translation.....{"Don't loiter around in short minis and shorts out side of the house"}....how cute is that ??? This was mainly for Vidya... ;) . Vidya,was a cute,short,chubby,girl,who would easily pass off for a high school student.She was barely 4' 10" in height,was more rounded and had cute looks.You could anytime catch her in the shortest of the short minis or shorts,loitering on the front lawn,and trying to get some road side vendor to give her some free "raw mangoes" or "cucumber slices" or some "pea nuts"... Lolz. On the other hand, Shilpa and Myself, were the backyardigans, We were happy to sit there in the back of the house eating pea nuts and gossiping ( yep, those very pea nuts,Vidya used to get from the vendors) hehe.
It was the Monsoons,Month of June,and we were preparing for our final papers.Since I was studying Sociology and both Shilpa and Vidya were studying English Literature,our timings didn't match.Sometimes I would finish a paper a day earlier and sometimes they both would finish a paper sooner.But,that didn't stop us from going over to pandu's place.In fact, we looked forward to go there.Pandu was off to Bangalore to attend some meeting and we three were getting nice and cozy at his place.The fateful day was a Sunday,and I was having a test the next day in the morning ( Monday)Lucky Vidya and Shilpa didn't have to bother until Tuesday.These girls,had already made plans for the evening.Shilpa was going out with her boy friend and Vidya too had made dinner and movie plans with her boy friend. Poor Me :( was the one left behind to study :( .
Vicky,Vidya's boy friend was to come by around 2:00 pm to pick her up.She would be coming back around 8ish,after her movie and dinner date.Same for Shilpa too,Shilpa wasn't expected home until the next day !! She was off with Kiran. A little after 2 we heard the car pull up out side the gate.Both Vidya and I went up to the gate----remember we had to keep the gate "Locked" at any given day or time !! After seeing Vidya off at the gate,I locked the gate,dutifully :P. After locking I went back to sit in the backyard and study.A short while later I heard Vidya calling out my name.When I went over to the gate,Vicky handed me a package...Mmmm smelt yum yum.... It was really so sweet of Vicky and her,to have bought me some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets...yummmy. I went back in side and put it away,as I wasn't very hungry right then,I thought to myself,I'll have it for Dinner.I went back to the backyard stretched myself on the pool side chairs ( except there was no pool) :( and was buried in my book.I must have been out there until late evening,it must have been like 6ish,and it was beginning to get dark. It was also starting to get cloudy and there were dark clouds in the sky. One thing I love about Mysore Monsoons is that,It rains only in the evenings,It would begin to rain in the evenings and go on until wee hrs of the morning the next day. So,sensing that it would start to pour,I decided to go inside the house.It was out of habit and choice,we used to light a mosquito repellent and keep it around the house on the outside. So,I did the needful,I went to the backyard put one out there,then one on the front of the house,I walked over towards the gate,just to check the lock,it was locked and walked back to the house.The distance from the gate to the house was about 30 feet I guess. There wasn't much on the property,On the right side of the house was a huge coconut garden,there was a small patch of land in the backyard of the house.Pandu had a green thumb,he had maintained a small kitchen garden in the backyard, He was very proud of his Kitchen Garden ,He had Cucumber and Bitter gourd creepers, he had let them grow over a couple of iron rods,also grown in there were--- Green Peas,Tomatoes, Green Chillies and a few other veggie's. Okay so,after turning the lights On, both in the front and back of the house. I went in to the bedroom to watch some TV. As a habit,I didn't bother to bolt all the bolts on the door,leading to the back of the house... After,settling on the bed and making myself comfy...I decided to eat some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets.... Mmm
I warmed the Lamb Biryani and the Fish Cutlets opened a can of coke and settled on the bed,switching on the TV. I was,enjoying my food and also Thanking Vidya/Vicky for being so caring and just then the phone rings,Its Pandu...calling to see,if we are doing good,I tell him the girls are out with the boys...and I'm "Home Alone"...He just asks me to stay indoors and a bit of advice here and there and he's done.I hear the thunder and the rains pouring,I hope the lights don't go out,I hate to be in the dark and all alone. Again the phone rings,its Vidya this time,She yaps and yaps about the movie and tells me she's at Kalpana's place ( kalpana is vidya's cousin) and shall be home soon,As we are talking,I hear a knock on the door,I tell vidya, " Hey,Vidya,there is someone at the door" My first guess is, it must be Kumar anna ( Pandu's co-worker). So,I go to look out side and its pitch dark.I remember turning the light "on",I look up at the switch,its ON...I then hear one more knock,this time around the left side of the house,on the kitchen window!!! I'm still not freaked out---why?---cause I'm still thinking it must be Kumar anna !!! He has done that in the past---when ever we girls were alone,He would come by to scare us and knock on the windows and Boooo !!! okay,so I'm not scared,and instead I'm yelling at him to stop it !!!! That is when I hear a male voice----saying-----------"B**** OPEN THE DOOR,I'M THE POLICE"
I went back into the bedroom,picked up the phone and whispered and asked Vidya to come home immediately and told her what's happening.Vidya,asked me not to panic.She gave the phone to Kalpana. Kalpana sensed I was gonna be in big time trouble.She kept talking to me trying to keep me calm.Well so far so good, I wasn't panicking nor did I guess to what extent this would go, at this point,I had no clue at all.I heard a loud kick on the backyard door,another kick on the front door,and his voice was getting louder,calling me names----"S**t open the damn F****** door" .I kept talking to Kalpana and telling her what was happening and she began to Panic,and she was saying---" no matter what happens,..."DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR".... would I ever ??? Darn, I had forgotten to bolt all the bolts on the backyard door,I crept out of the bedroom and as quietly as possible I bolted all the bolts on the door and also switched off all the lights in the house. Meanwhile this man was going round and round the house calling me sick names,cursing me ,swearing and banging on the windows.I went back into the bedroom and was again on the phone with Kalpana,giving her a detailed description of whats happening. Amazingly, I'm just too calm !!! It has not yet "HIT ME" That this is Danger staring at my face. I felt safe cause I'm "Inside the house" and as long as I aint coming out I'm safe. So with courage and feeling bold I yell out at him and ask him to F*** off...
My yelling did no good,instead it was like rubbing salt over a open wound. I didn't see this coming----He got more louder and rude with words and with his deeds,and thats when I heard a loud crash in the Living room. Kalpana who was still on the phone...screamed,yelled and she was more confused than I was.I didn't want to go out into the living room and check,it was very clear he had shattered a window. I was also worried about stepping on the glass, scattered on the floor.So,I just sat still at the foot of the bed crouching in a corner,whispering over the mouth piece with kalpana .At least, I had her virtual presence.Did I thank God too soon ??? The telephone goes Dead in my hand !!! Wow just what I wanted.Great !! I think to myself....Its pouring cats and dogs outside....I'm in a total dark room....with a dead phone....and a Psycho out side the house.Can it get any better ??
I don't know why,but for some reason I was still holding on to the phone,hoping to hear Kalpana on the other end.Suddenly I heard another Crash and something landed right next to my foot,This time it was the window in the bedroom and I saw a flickering flame,I guessed he was using a cigarette lighter and the stuff next to my foot was now visible it was a fist sized Rock.....and I heard his Filthy voice again...and this is what he said....{" I want your H*** to shove my C*** inside"}.....I had NEVER ever heard such filthy language in my life,I felt Humiliated,Violated,Angry....and this is when FEAR crept in....I saw the flame fading away,and even before I could breathe I heard the cracking on the Door ( the backyard door) It sounded like he was using some tool and pounding on the door.......
This is when, I began to weep...with what ever courage I could muster,I slipped on some foot wear,crouched out into the living room and pushed a table across the door, blocking the door. I heard him cursing me and pounding harder,I crept back into the bedroom closed the door and I couldn't find any light weight furniture around,the best option now was to go under the bed. I have fear of small spaces,I'm claustrophobic.With tears rolling down my face,I stayed under the bed...must have been just a couple of minutes.....and I was having a hard time staying calm and I couldn't breathe anymore.If I stayed any longer under the bed,this would have suffocated me,I dragged myself out, I found Pandu's Cricket Bat under the bed,pulled it out and I sat still at the foot of the bed,Crying......Praying
All I could hear,was the thunder and pouring rain.I was too scared to even move from that spot. Thats when I heard a Familiar Voice.... :) Kumar anna, He was calling out to me from the kitchen window....I had Nooooooo courage to open the door to another Male....aahan no way.Soon after wards I heard Vidya, calling out asking me to come and open the gate ( remember the gate is locked). I thanked God and was crying harder both simultaneously,I just rushed out into the pouring rain,what a relief it was to see Vidya !! Both Vicky and Vidya came in and Kumar anna was in the coconut garden looking for the intruder. Kumar was carrying a flash light,He went around the house, looking for the damage.Poor Pandu's Kitchen garden was a total mess,This psycho had snatched out the Iron rod which had the cucumber creeper growing over it,and it was used to crack the door,it was there lying beside the door....the light bulbs,both in the front of the house and in the back of the house were smashed.....last but not the least........He had "cut off" the phone line !!!! wow...So,this guy had come well prepared...he must have been carrying a knife,or scissors or a blade...something sharp....
Vidya and I were both whisked off to Kumar's house for the night.Kumar informed Pandu about the whole incident.It was very kind of Kumar and his Mom to let us stay for the night.Vidya and kumar were both dying to know....But,I was totally silent, I was numb,I just couldn't get myself to open up and tell them anything/everything.I just went off to sleep.....
I woke up at dawn,after a night of nightmares,I was sitting outside with my head buried in my book,when I heard the bike outside,I looked up to "see" Pandu walk in with a serious and stern look on his face. Gosh I began to panic and with out warning,tears began to roll down my cheeks.....goshhh, what timing. He just walked up,hugged me real tight and a quick peck on my forehead and said....." Your safe and that's all that matters "....and later with a grin added....{"Tey gudde gudde skirt ani shorts,hajeh kathiri ghaalnoka malale"} Translation......"This is the only reason why,I would ask you girls not to wear short skirts and roam around " :P
I have no recollection of how I did with my papers,I did pass with a "First Class". More than a week later,once again at Pandu's place we had all gathered,the whole gang....Shilpa,Vidya,Pandu,Vijay,Kumar,Kirti,and Myself ...Vijay and Kirti are Pandu's close friends.This was our last day in Mysore. Done with the Finals and we were to pack and go back home for vacations.....and All of them wanted to hear the story from the horses mouth,and by now I was also ready to tell them all the gory details. We were all in a mood to celebrate,so there was plenty of Good Food and Booze and then of course the VIP of the evening ME....As I ended my story,I looked at them staring at me...with mouths wide open....pin drop silence....and all they could say was................ " Your One Lucky B****" ( all in good humor ).
When I think back.....I say to myself.....What in case,out of stupidity or carelessness I had opened the door.....What in case,I actually believed that man to be a cop and had opened the door....What in case,he was able to break open one of the doors....or...What in case,out of habit I had left the backyard door unlocked ??......Would I be here today,to share this incident with all of You ??.....This would be a case of Rape and Murder !!
When life pulls you through and you face such kind of misadventures,You learn,You become Strong and You know not to turn into that dark ally...no matter how short that road is...This is one of the many reasons,why I'm so possessive and protective over my two Beautiful Babies....This is why,I want them to learn some kind of Martial Art, so You have Confidence,You have Courage.....Apart from the rest of the things.....what you would really need...is Commonsense..........and......."Loads of Luck"
*Until we meet again..Please Stay Safe and Lock The Door*
PS-- After reading about my misadventure,readers have wondered ..." why didn't I call the Police ??? Did I file a Police report ?? Did He get caught ??"
This incident took place 22 yrs ago,If your unawares let me shed some light over the Law system in India,well the Law system in India is Pathetic.More over..... The scenario would have been worst,if I were to call the cops.Rather than helping me and being sympathetic to me and listening to my version of the story....They would bombard me with a million Questions...You never know,they would have,even held me responsible.The last thing I wanted was,A Psycho stalking Me...and a cop case with my Final Exams over me !!!!......More over,remember my land line was CUT OFF !!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sold My Soul For A Dime !!!
I have always been a handful to handle,heard it a million times from my Mom and now from my Dear Hubby.Although both defer in context.Today, I was browsing through some chat logs from the past.Which pulled me back,made me think and then I decided to pen my thoughts down. I'm a Wife and a Mother of Two Beautiful Daughters,of whom I'm very protective and possessive . Proud of my status of being a Mother. Although the reality is, deep down I'm a Woman,with wants,desires and needs. Those physical needs take a big,strong, part in my life.I'm sure I don't have to be too specific here,I wont be talking about my physical needs in all its gory details.Unless you want me to and get entertained in the process ;) Oh yeah,if this isn't your cup of tea...please stop and don't go any further or, you may still want to read...just out of curiosity.... ;)
Let me introduce the naive me to the world of cyber chatting.I wouldn't call it bad or scary as long as you know what you are up to and know how to take care of yourself in all ways possible.Wouldn't call it Dangerous,But its always good to be cautious.If your careful and not naive its a good way to meet people "online". I have always maintained a safe distance and NEVER mixed my real world with the virtual world. There are etiquette's one needs to follow in Life,like wise do the same online as well.Its a reminder once again to follow some simple rules to be safe and remain anonymous.To safe guard your self from any kind of unseen danger ( not that I'm implying,there is unseen danger ). But,its always better to be cautious and not divulge too much to some unseen / unknown person on the other side. He/she could be your next door neighbor or some one on the other side of the world. So,like I said its your call any given day...
Seven year itch,comes and goes every once in 3 months. Hell,I'm surprised I have come along this long,15 years and still stuck together with all its ups and downs,through all the vicissitudes life could throw at us,we ( hubby dear and I ) have managed.The out going and care a damn attitude,clashes with the aloof, detached demeanor of my better half.The one who is for ever seen in his own world of thoughts,I found it intriguing,in the beginning and as time has gone by,just let him be alone with his thoughts.... And here it all began I needed companionship, some one who understood my wants,needs,with out me having to vocally ask for it,some one who could read my mind !! Did I ask for too much ?? Naah,all I wanted was somebody,anybody whom I could share my thoughts ,share my day , talk about something mundane and get a response in return.Well, watch what you pray / wish for,cause here, God answered my prayers.There came along my Friend one day and for some reason introduces me to the Virtual world of Chats....."online chatting"
Most of us are aware,what goes on in the chat rooms,and here I was totally new,naive and gullible.With some pseudo ID ,I venture to see whats in store for me.There I'm in a chat room filled with people,with different Avatars,and unrecognizable,god forsaken id's.I'm in two minds, do I continue or do I make for the door??I'm unprepared,have no idea,no clue, no nothing.I decide to stay a while longer hang around and then leave.As I'm deciding,Pop,a window pops up and is now asking me this strange Question...."your ASL please"?? Gosh,what the hell is ASL ?? I ask back..." sorry,I'm new to all this,can you please,be more specific"?? I was embarrassed at my naivety. But well,I wanted to stick around and I learn fast.....
He tells me his name is "JAGAT" hmm,I aint gonna buy that.Like I say,you can call me "Liala" a pseudo name.So we begin with our array of carefully chosen Q's. When Jagat learns I'm new to this virtual world,I could sense him getting more (protective) or was I just imagining?? He then goes on to elaborately teach me step by step about chat room etiquette,On how to be safe and stay away from unwanted,unasked for danger. I'm there listening to every word like a lost puppy.Thus the journey begins for me,of learning something new,of keeping myself occupied,and I have this new companion whom I have not seen and who lives on the other side of the world,thousands of miles away across the seven seas....
I have so much time at hand,once my child is seen off at the bus stop an she's at school,I'm all alone at home.I go spend time at the gym,get back clean,cook,read...well I still have ample of free time.It was my decision, to be a stay at home mommy,I wanted to be home, when my child got back from school,keep the home nice and tidy and cook for the family,I see nothing wrong in doing so and no one complained.But,I'm bored :( .So,I log in and look for Jagat,we have added each other and there I see his message waiting for me.I click " Laila let me know,when ur online" ( I had kept myself invisible).I answer back and there he is...I'm sure he was waiting for me...I smile,and we begin our casual small talks,He is friendly,and comes across like a straight forward guy.I'm learning little things here and there and grasping every thing like a sponge.Just too attentive, ( can be dangerous ) hehe.
His aloofness is intriguing,His Brilliance is captivating,His charm is seducing,His Authoritative nature is welcoming... Gosh,just 2 months have gone by and I'm addicted to Jagat ,what is happening to me?This cant be happening to me,noways,I know my limits and I know I'm not supposed to cross them,Yet,I go and buy a Cam for my PC. Oh gosh, I'm totally into this man, someone whom, I have not seen and who lives thousands of miles away,and, I have this strange kind of feeling,that this man, can control me,It was His idea for me to invest on a good cam for the PC,so He could see Me. To my surprise I obliged.Now,I'm having these thoughts that he can control my mind, in ways, which I thought was/is impossible.He isn't pushy,or forceful,just quite and aloof with a hint of domination. He is very polite ( when he wants to be). He isn't those caring,or loving types and yet I'm drawn towards Him,for his Originality.I don't remember him ever trying to impress me in any way.He was a breath of fresh air,unique and Different.Yes and I wanted this,Dominating Man....Why ???......cause I have always been a Handful (remember)?? I have always been the dominating one,in all sphere of life,through out life..and here, just one time I wanted some one, who could take over the reigns.. I wanted to step down and let some one dominate me......
Its been 4 months now,I have emerged from being the naive newbie student,to the more sharpened ( not yet skilled ) student.I was so into Jagat by now,I was staying more and more indoors.It had gotten so bad this chatting addiction,was taking over all my free time.Once a week me and my friends,would get together for a "All Ladies" day out or day in...I started making excuses to stay back home,( it was pathetic) one day,I had this "Day In" with my friends over at my place,and rather than mingling with the girls...I was getting cozy with Jagat !! Gosh,what is wrong with me?? I kept telling myself I can stop all this when I want to,I can just let go,I can be free,I'm some one who can not be tamed,so,its gonna be fine,just one more time and I'm done. But,I was wrong all along.As months rolled into a year, and I was still here,still addicted to Jagat and more bolder. I was bold enough to do the cyber cam and also enjoyed watching myself.Its needless to say He enjoyed watching me.....
It all started very slow,Jagat,didn't want to scare me away.So,it just started with showing my face.Once more let me clarify,there was no pushing or forcing involved,just mild pursuing,which I so adored.I let him pursue Me, and He always got what he wanted. It wasn't sweet and caring kinda stuff between us,Although I wished there would be something softer side of him, for me to see. Sometimes the Femininity in me would take over,and I would feel a little Jealous,when he talked about other females he chats with or had chatted with.We were both, familiar by now,and the amazing thing was he knew me like the back of his Palm. " Familiarity Breeds Contempt ",Yes there were those occasional Lies,and I HATE it when I'm being lied to. I was putting up with all his Lies !!!there were too many of them,I didn't care in the beginning,thought I was over reacting.But,when he twisted and played with my mind and made me into believing,that He was right and I was to be blamed,It hurt Me and the rebel in me woke up.I began to question his moves,which caught him off guard. Yet,I wanted him,He made me feel so good about myself (sexually),little did I know I had to pay a small price....
It took me over 2 years,to get totally bare for him,it felt good to be appreciated,I felt good when I was asked to do things to myself,play with myself ,while he watched.Yes,I was comfortable doing everything,touching myself seductively while he watched and I got pleasure ,knowing I was being watched,My every move was being watched,I could feel his gaze travel all over my body,mmm it felt so good,knowing that Jagat was watching me,I could imagine his fingers stroking my bare body,sliding over my curves. His fingers were then, replaced by his mouth,My every Moan was being heard,It was electrifying and unimaginable that someone sitting in the other corner of this Earth could have such a profound impact (hold) over Me and make me feel this way.It was delicious and I welcomed it.....
I let him explore all possibilities and even the impossibilities were tried and I got them right through trial and error. I was exploring the new heights I could reach,Never have I been in so much sync with anyone in the past,this was totally overwhelming and overpowering me. I was a delicate little puppet in his hands and he pursued and nudged me into trying out new things,for My pleasure.What he gained out of all this.....The tittle of being called the "Alpha Male". When I began to realize,where this phase in my life is gonna take me,I started to Q'tion his motives and wasn't very surprised at his Answer.Although it dawned on me,I felt "used"....but,hey,wasn't I enjoying all of this?? All the uncontrollable orgasms the pleasures of the body being touched by none another, but Me?? I would obey Jagat,He was My Guru and Me his obedient disciple. I must admit,I got to learn so much from Him,learn about Myself and how to pleasure myself, About the sacred orifice. I was engulfed by deep thoughts,why did I give myself away to this stranger ?? what was it, that mesmerized Me into this act ?? why and how did I step out of the sanctity of Marriage ?? Have I sinned ?? Is it a Sin to be filled with joy and satisfaction,satisfaction of the physical needs and the pleasures of the flesh,with out being touched by Him....
I was so drawn to Jagat,He lured me delicately,charmingly and pursued Me with out getting too close or touchy. We spent long hrs together,five times a week.This was bad addiction,and I wanted to make a run.This may come as a surprise,it had been 4 yrs by now and how did he manage to still keep Me from not looking else where,I was being faithful and I was content. He had his Kinks and Fetish nothing wrong with that,I was open minded to most things.As long as they caused no harm or damage both physically and mentally. It all started very slow and he never pushed me into trying something I didn't want to try....Like for instance.....Jagat, one time said he wanted to see my toe nails being painted...I got a bottle of nail paint,lifted my feet up,adjusting the cam I painted my toe nails while he watched ( he decided on the color,and I had no choice but to say, yes!!).....On another occasion,He wanted to see me in a Indian attire (Saree),I dolled myself up for Him in a Saree...here again he decided its gonna be a "see through" saree with a "see through" blouse and I wasn't allowed to wear any bra underneath. I was okay with this too,in fact it was a big turn on,I was there chatting away,while he admired me and said " Do you know, how beautiful you look, with your nipples taut against the fabric of your blouse,I can have you right now".......
Why wasn't there any guilt pangs?? was I so vulnerable?? was I so in need of admiration?? Did I want him so much,cause he just admired me and charmed me into submission...what was he doing to me ?? playing with my mind and I in turn was playing with my body,getting in sync with myself,gaining knowledge and I'm a sucker for knowledge,Knowledge of all kinds.Slowly the inhibitions were thrown aside,he was getting more bolder and the demands were stronger.He wouldn't take a "NO" .....One day....He wanted to see me massage myself with baby oil....I was in Tee's and Jagat said...." Laila, I want to see you massage today...go get a bottle of baby oil" I asked ..." jagat,how about baby lotion instead" ..."Laila,baby oil no lotion".....there I was all sweet and obeying and I got some baby oil. Adjusting the cam on my PC I sat down,with the bottle of baby oil,he then said...."okay,with out taking off your Tee's unhook your bra from under your Tee's, and take your bar off" I did as I was asked to do....there I was in my Tee's and no bra,my nipple hard and pointing out. "Laila,take a little oil and rub it over ur neck...move down slowly as slow as you can,from under your Tee's....rub it over your Boobs in circular motion..Mmm yeahhh"......There he was in another part of the world watching me..... rubbing oil,massaging my boobs,playing with my taut nipples and moaning.....he drove me wild,he drove me crazy,he drove me insane, while he watched and I enjoyed...it was total bliss.....
I had to break off this addiction,excess of anything can be harmful. I started to get a little weary and the whole controlling act was getting me a little worried.Once,Jagat said...." Laila, this weekend is "NO" underwear day" I protested... "Jagat,I wont be home,I have to run errands ,You don't expect me to be naked under my clothes,I aint comfortable with the whole idea". I know he didn't like me protesting. By now,I had come a long way from the Naive,Gullible chatter to this bold woman.I was no more a student,I was the skilled chatter.Knew more than,what I had intended to know.My kid was also growing and I had put an End to all this ( I took care never to chat, when my child was home )The time for weaning had to begin.Seven yrs had gone by,wow,time flies ( was it the 7 yr itch ) ;). Very slowly I began my journey of weaning,just like a mother would wean her baby from nursing.First,I cut off the hrs per day,spent longer time at the gym or with a friend.Then,skipped chatting by days,from everyday,to alternate days.Slowly,but steadily I was seen less and less online,Until one day I totally vanished......it doesn't end here....Jagat, got hold of my phone number....
The stalker,hmm,I was now being stalked.It was easy for him to get my phone number.All he did was one day ask my name,My full name,and Voila he had the number...haha, it was that easy.Not only did he get my number, he also had my address, wow...internet....Yet I wasn't worried....Why? cause he was thousands of miles away. In the other corner of the world.So,I felt safe.But,now he began to call me...hmm. Didn't see that coming.He stalked me over the internet.He called my best friend, and sent a message through her,even got hold of her phone number !!!! One day,I get a package in the mail,It felt like a small box in there...so,I open up,and there is a cute jewelry box and inside is a necklace with a "J" pendent....and No return address !!! Hmm spooky isn't it? The calls are still coming ....the numbers change each time...Finally I come to the conclusion,the Addiction was more on His side...than on Mine....I have stopped chatting for the past 4 yrs now,stopped all contact with Jagat......
Chatting and Fooling around is okay,as long as,You know what you are up too.Never get emotionally involved,don't fall into any trap. NEVER MEET IN PERSON cause You never know,who or what he/she is. Yep, You need B**** to go through life and stay sane at the same time !!! This is a real life experience..... as for Jagat..........He called 2 days ago !!!! I don't answer Blank / Anonymous or unknown numbers...... :)
Until we meet again.....Adios and stay safe !!!
Let me introduce the naive me to the world of cyber chatting.I wouldn't call it bad or scary as long as you know what you are up to and know how to take care of yourself in all ways possible.Wouldn't call it Dangerous,But its always good to be cautious.If your careful and not naive its a good way to meet people "online". I have always maintained a safe distance and NEVER mixed my real world with the virtual world. There are etiquette's one needs to follow in Life,like wise do the same online as well.Its a reminder once again to follow some simple rules to be safe and remain anonymous.To safe guard your self from any kind of unseen danger ( not that I'm implying,there is unseen danger ). But,its always better to be cautious and not divulge too much to some unseen / unknown person on the other side. He/she could be your next door neighbor or some one on the other side of the world. So,like I said its your call any given day...
Seven year itch,comes and goes every once in 3 months. Hell,I'm surprised I have come along this long,15 years and still stuck together with all its ups and downs,through all the vicissitudes life could throw at us,we ( hubby dear and I ) have managed.The out going and care a damn attitude,clashes with the aloof, detached demeanor of my better half.The one who is for ever seen in his own world of thoughts,I found it intriguing,in the beginning and as time has gone by,just let him be alone with his thoughts.... And here it all began I needed companionship, some one who understood my wants,needs,with out me having to vocally ask for it,some one who could read my mind !! Did I ask for too much ?? Naah,all I wanted was somebody,anybody whom I could share my thoughts ,share my day , talk about something mundane and get a response in return.Well, watch what you pray / wish for,cause here, God answered my prayers.There came along my Friend one day and for some reason introduces me to the Virtual world of Chats....."online chatting"
Most of us are aware,what goes on in the chat rooms,and here I was totally new,naive and gullible.With some pseudo ID ,I venture to see whats in store for me.There I'm in a chat room filled with people,with different Avatars,and unrecognizable,god forsaken id's.I'm in two minds, do I continue or do I make for the door??I'm unprepared,have no idea,no clue, no nothing.I decide to stay a while longer hang around and then leave.As I'm deciding,Pop,a window pops up and is now asking me this strange Question...."your ASL please"?? Gosh,what the hell is ASL ?? I ask back..." sorry,I'm new to all this,can you please,be more specific"?? I was embarrassed at my naivety. But well,I wanted to stick around and I learn fast.....
He tells me his name is "JAGAT" hmm,I aint gonna buy that.Like I say,you can call me "Liala" a pseudo name.So we begin with our array of carefully chosen Q's. When Jagat learns I'm new to this virtual world,I could sense him getting more (protective) or was I just imagining?? He then goes on to elaborately teach me step by step about chat room etiquette,On how to be safe and stay away from unwanted,unasked for danger. I'm there listening to every word like a lost puppy.Thus the journey begins for me,of learning something new,of keeping myself occupied,and I have this new companion whom I have not seen and who lives on the other side of the world,thousands of miles away across the seven seas....
I have so much time at hand,once my child is seen off at the bus stop an she's at school,I'm all alone at home.I go spend time at the gym,get back clean,cook,read...well I still have ample of free time.It was my decision, to be a stay at home mommy,I wanted to be home, when my child got back from school,keep the home nice and tidy and cook for the family,I see nothing wrong in doing so and no one complained.But,I'm bored :( .So,I log in and look for Jagat,we have added each other and there I see his message waiting for me.I click " Laila let me know,when ur online" ( I had kept myself invisible).I answer back and there he is...I'm sure he was waiting for me...I smile,and we begin our casual small talks,He is friendly,and comes across like a straight forward guy.I'm learning little things here and there and grasping every thing like a sponge.Just too attentive, ( can be dangerous ) hehe.
His aloofness is intriguing,His Brilliance is captivating,His charm is seducing,His Authoritative nature is welcoming... Gosh,just 2 months have gone by and I'm addicted to Jagat ,what is happening to me?This cant be happening to me,noways,I know my limits and I know I'm not supposed to cross them,Yet,I go and buy a Cam for my PC. Oh gosh, I'm totally into this man, someone whom, I have not seen and who lives thousands of miles away,and, I have this strange kind of feeling,that this man, can control me,It was His idea for me to invest on a good cam for the PC,so He could see Me. To my surprise I obliged.Now,I'm having these thoughts that he can control my mind, in ways, which I thought was/is impossible.He isn't pushy,or forceful,just quite and aloof with a hint of domination. He is very polite ( when he wants to be). He isn't those caring,or loving types and yet I'm drawn towards Him,for his Originality.I don't remember him ever trying to impress me in any way.He was a breath of fresh air,unique and Different.Yes and I wanted this,Dominating Man....Why ???......cause I have always been a Handful (remember)?? I have always been the dominating one,in all sphere of life,through out life..and here, just one time I wanted some one, who could take over the reigns.. I wanted to step down and let some one dominate me......
Its been 4 months now,I have emerged from being the naive newbie student,to the more sharpened ( not yet skilled ) student.I was so into Jagat by now,I was staying more and more indoors.It had gotten so bad this chatting addiction,was taking over all my free time.Once a week me and my friends,would get together for a "All Ladies" day out or day in...I started making excuses to stay back home,( it was pathetic) one day,I had this "Day In" with my friends over at my place,and rather than mingling with the girls...I was getting cozy with Jagat !! Gosh,what is wrong with me?? I kept telling myself I can stop all this when I want to,I can just let go,I can be free,I'm some one who can not be tamed,so,its gonna be fine,just one more time and I'm done. But,I was wrong all along.As months rolled into a year, and I was still here,still addicted to Jagat and more bolder. I was bold enough to do the cyber cam and also enjoyed watching myself.Its needless to say He enjoyed watching me.....
It all started very slow,Jagat,didn't want to scare me away.So,it just started with showing my face.Once more let me clarify,there was no pushing or forcing involved,just mild pursuing,which I so adored.I let him pursue Me, and He always got what he wanted. It wasn't sweet and caring kinda stuff between us,Although I wished there would be something softer side of him, for me to see. Sometimes the Femininity in me would take over,and I would feel a little Jealous,when he talked about other females he chats with or had chatted with.We were both, familiar by now,and the amazing thing was he knew me like the back of his Palm. " Familiarity Breeds Contempt ",Yes there were those occasional Lies,and I HATE it when I'm being lied to. I was putting up with all his Lies !!!there were too many of them,I didn't care in the beginning,thought I was over reacting.But,when he twisted and played with my mind and made me into believing,that He was right and I was to be blamed,It hurt Me and the rebel in me woke up.I began to question his moves,which caught him off guard. Yet,I wanted him,He made me feel so good about myself (sexually),little did I know I had to pay a small price....
It took me over 2 years,to get totally bare for him,it felt good to be appreciated,I felt good when I was asked to do things to myself,play with myself ,while he watched.Yes,I was comfortable doing everything,touching myself seductively while he watched and I got pleasure ,knowing I was being watched,My every move was being watched,I could feel his gaze travel all over my body,mmm it felt so good,knowing that Jagat was watching me,I could imagine his fingers stroking my bare body,sliding over my curves. His fingers were then, replaced by his mouth,My every Moan was being heard,It was electrifying and unimaginable that someone sitting in the other corner of this Earth could have such a profound impact (hold) over Me and make me feel this way.It was delicious and I welcomed it.....
I let him explore all possibilities and even the impossibilities were tried and I got them right through trial and error. I was exploring the new heights I could reach,Never have I been in so much sync with anyone in the past,this was totally overwhelming and overpowering me. I was a delicate little puppet in his hands and he pursued and nudged me into trying out new things,for My pleasure.What he gained out of all this.....The tittle of being called the "Alpha Male". When I began to realize,where this phase in my life is gonna take me,I started to Q'tion his motives and wasn't very surprised at his Answer.Although it dawned on me,I felt "used"....but,hey,wasn't I enjoying all of this?? All the uncontrollable orgasms the pleasures of the body being touched by none another, but Me?? I would obey Jagat,He was My Guru and Me his obedient disciple. I must admit,I got to learn so much from Him,learn about Myself and how to pleasure myself, About the sacred orifice. I was engulfed by deep thoughts,why did I give myself away to this stranger ?? what was it, that mesmerized Me into this act ?? why and how did I step out of the sanctity of Marriage ?? Have I sinned ?? Is it a Sin to be filled with joy and satisfaction,satisfaction of the physical needs and the pleasures of the flesh,with out being touched by Him....
I was so drawn to Jagat,He lured me delicately,charmingly and pursued Me with out getting too close or touchy. We spent long hrs together,five times a week.This was bad addiction,and I wanted to make a run.This may come as a surprise,it had been 4 yrs by now and how did he manage to still keep Me from not looking else where,I was being faithful and I was content. He had his Kinks and Fetish nothing wrong with that,I was open minded to most things.As long as they caused no harm or damage both physically and mentally. It all started very slow and he never pushed me into trying something I didn't want to try....Like for instance.....Jagat, one time said he wanted to see my toe nails being painted...I got a bottle of nail paint,lifted my feet up,adjusting the cam I painted my toe nails while he watched ( he decided on the color,and I had no choice but to say, yes!!).....On another occasion,He wanted to see me in a Indian attire (Saree),I dolled myself up for Him in a Saree...here again he decided its gonna be a "see through" saree with a "see through" blouse and I wasn't allowed to wear any bra underneath. I was okay with this too,in fact it was a big turn on,I was there chatting away,while he admired me and said " Do you know, how beautiful you look, with your nipples taut against the fabric of your blouse,I can have you right now".......
Why wasn't there any guilt pangs?? was I so vulnerable?? was I so in need of admiration?? Did I want him so much,cause he just admired me and charmed me into submission...what was he doing to me ?? playing with my mind and I in turn was playing with my body,getting in sync with myself,gaining knowledge and I'm a sucker for knowledge,Knowledge of all kinds.Slowly the inhibitions were thrown aside,he was getting more bolder and the demands were stronger.He wouldn't take a "NO" .....One day....He wanted to see me massage myself with baby oil....I was in Tee's and Jagat said...." Laila, I want to see you massage today...go get a bottle of baby oil" I asked ..." jagat,how about baby lotion instead" ..."Laila,baby oil no lotion".....there I was all sweet and obeying and I got some baby oil. Adjusting the cam on my PC I sat down,with the bottle of baby oil,he then said...."okay,with out taking off your Tee's unhook your bra from under your Tee's, and take your bar off" I did as I was asked to do....there I was in my Tee's and no bra,my nipple hard and pointing out. "Laila,take a little oil and rub it over ur neck...move down slowly as slow as you can,from under your Tee's....rub it over your Boobs in circular motion..Mmm yeahhh"......There he was in another part of the world watching me..... rubbing oil,massaging my boobs,playing with my taut nipples and moaning.....he drove me wild,he drove me crazy,he drove me insane, while he watched and I enjoyed...it was total bliss.....
I had to break off this addiction,excess of anything can be harmful. I started to get a little weary and the whole controlling act was getting me a little worried.Once,Jagat said...." Laila, this weekend is "NO" underwear day" I protested... "Jagat,I wont be home,I have to run errands ,You don't expect me to be naked under my clothes,I aint comfortable with the whole idea". I know he didn't like me protesting. By now,I had come a long way from the Naive,Gullible chatter to this bold woman.I was no more a student,I was the skilled chatter.Knew more than,what I had intended to know.My kid was also growing and I had put an End to all this ( I took care never to chat, when my child was home )The time for weaning had to begin.Seven yrs had gone by,wow,time flies ( was it the 7 yr itch ) ;). Very slowly I began my journey of weaning,just like a mother would wean her baby from nursing.First,I cut off the hrs per day,spent longer time at the gym or with a friend.Then,skipped chatting by days,from everyday,to alternate days.Slowly,but steadily I was seen less and less online,Until one day I totally vanished......it doesn't end here....Jagat, got hold of my phone number....
The stalker,hmm,I was now being stalked.It was easy for him to get my phone number.All he did was one day ask my name,My full name,and Voila he had the number...haha, it was that easy.Not only did he get my number, he also had my address, wow...internet....Yet I wasn't worried....Why? cause he was thousands of miles away. In the other corner of the world.So,I felt safe.But,now he began to call me...hmm. Didn't see that coming.He stalked me over the internet.He called my best friend, and sent a message through her,even got hold of her phone number !!!! One day,I get a package in the mail,It felt like a small box in there...so,I open up,and there is a cute jewelry box and inside is a necklace with a "J" pendent....and No return address !!! Hmm spooky isn't it? The calls are still coming ....the numbers change each time...Finally I come to the conclusion,the Addiction was more on His side...than on Mine....I have stopped chatting for the past 4 yrs now,stopped all contact with Jagat......
Chatting and Fooling around is okay,as long as,You know what you are up too.Never get emotionally involved,don't fall into any trap. NEVER MEET IN PERSON cause You never know,who or what he/she is. Yep, You need B**** to go through life and stay sane at the same time !!! This is a real life experience..... as for Jagat..........He called 2 days ago !!!! I don't answer Blank / Anonymous or unknown numbers...... :)
Until we meet again.....Adios and stay safe !!!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Loving Myself~~~~
It has taken me a long time to Love myself.We are such superficial creatures,who look for beauty ,the outward beauty.What about the inner beauty ?? it takes a while to *SEE* the inner beauty isn't it?? So,I wouldn't blame anyone, for liking someone, for that "pretty face". You spend time,with people,learn more about them,and then decide, is it, "like" or is it "dislike"??
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
Friday, September 7, 2012
~~~~ You Shall Always Remain My Little Baby ~~~~
Okay,done with the Summer vacation,and its back to school .....oh not Me...talking about my little Munchkin. I thought I was done with it,I mean done with crying and getting all sentimental, looking at my little Baby going off to school.But hey,wait,Surprise Surprise !!! I still haven't gotten over it :(
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Wasted Efforts......
Is it easy to Trust people?? Is it okay to take some one at face value ?? is it easy to accept and look to a trusting relationship?? Be it your own or unknown,But,why would you trust someone Unknown ?? Well, then how about some one known some one your own ,is it okay to lose Trust is it okay to be Doubtful is it okay to be suspicious ?? What comes next ? what does one do from there on ? How do you question the person in concern,how do I confront ? where do I begin ? Do I have substantial proof or is it another piece of my imagination ?? What impact is it gonna make ?? Am I gonna get any closer or Am I gonna be faced with more lies ??What are the chances of finding the truth......Is this what I want ?? The Truth.......
Working at a fast pace,I collect all my thoughts,The memories of the recent past.Although I tried to get rid of most of them....its hard for this Aries mind to forget some of them. Is this a Good sign or a Bad one, only time will tell. I'm not in the habit of dwelling into the past,its more like the Past comes back to haunt me as a reminder or as a savior .I do not forget things easy. If You have been kind and good to me, at one point of my life,I hold it as a debt upon me and shall try my best to repay in Kind. On the other hand,God forbid, You did me some wrong,brought pain and hurt,I shall NEVER forget,May be I shall forgive,But the wound will still linger, its a never healing wound......
Why would I need you in my life ?? If its just that You (Want) Me.Why should I pretend,that all is well ?? Why should I accept You with all your never ending childish tantrums ?? Why should I put up with your never ending Lies ?? Why should I make excuses for You, each time, You say Your busy ?? Knowing You,You may well be with some other woman and Flirting the night away !! Why did I ever accept You each time You came back to Me ?? Was I vulnerable or was it out of pity ?? When I know, I can be better off with some one more Humane, and I don't need another Pervert in my life.Why do I still give you one more chance ?? Searching for the Answer...for... the Truth.....
Are You incapable of knowing what is Hurt,or is it that You derive some kinda sadistic pleasure hurting others ? You chase people who, want You no more,and Ignore the others. I once, Whispered something sweet, in your ears and waited for your response......and in return what I heard was.......{"I like You, but, I like HER a lot more"}......WTF, yep, You reminded Me of a little kid in a candy store, with all the excitement You were in. I dealt with it and carried on,Didn't You notice the Hurt / Pain ? Yet You were the most welcomed person at Home any given day, Invites extended to a Dinner,and you declined to go on a "Dinner Cruise"...I understand its your Life and I have No say...but politeness goes a long way.....
You want Affection, You like being Pampered,You want Friendship,You like My company and My generosity,along with Warmth.....Why cant I expect the same from You, in return ?? Why in the name of ~!@#$% should I give you chances 1,2,3....and put up with the Rea's and the Juan's and a few more ?? Why do I let You come and go, as and when You wish ?? Why is that I see You, ONLY, when You want to see Me ?? Do You know,You are the worst story teller ?? and a Pathetic Liar !! Why the hell do I put up with You ??I'm still on that journey to discover......The Truth.....
It wouldn't have been worth the effort if everything was given to me on a Platter. And on the reverse side,I was given some hints to calculate my Fate.I read people from thousands of miles away,I can sniff a predator out,hidden behind the mask,wasn't the movie of Jekyll and Hyde not enough ?? That I get to meet one in Real !! STOP pulling wool over My eyes....cause..... I Notice things,which people Fail to Notice. I take upon me to Observe and stay Alert...Cause.....I'm the Mother......The Protector......and it is not by fluke I'm called the... "Hawk Mom". I guess...... this is the..... Whole Truth !!
Working at a fast pace,I collect all my thoughts,The memories of the recent past.Although I tried to get rid of most of them....its hard for this Aries mind to forget some of them. Is this a Good sign or a Bad one, only time will tell. I'm not in the habit of dwelling into the past,its more like the Past comes back to haunt me as a reminder or as a savior .I do not forget things easy. If You have been kind and good to me, at one point of my life,I hold it as a debt upon me and shall try my best to repay in Kind. On the other hand,God forbid, You did me some wrong,brought pain and hurt,I shall NEVER forget,May be I shall forgive,But the wound will still linger, its a never healing wound......
Why would I need you in my life ?? If its just that You (Want) Me.Why should I pretend,that all is well ?? Why should I accept You with all your never ending childish tantrums ?? Why should I put up with your never ending Lies ?? Why should I make excuses for You, each time, You say Your busy ?? Knowing You,You may well be with some other woman and Flirting the night away !! Why did I ever accept You each time You came back to Me ?? Was I vulnerable or was it out of pity ?? When I know, I can be better off with some one more Humane, and I don't need another Pervert in my life.Why do I still give you one more chance ?? Searching for the Answer...for... the Truth.....
Are You incapable of knowing what is Hurt,or is it that You derive some kinda sadistic pleasure hurting others ? You chase people who, want You no more,and Ignore the others. I once, Whispered something sweet, in your ears and waited for your response......and in return what I heard was.......{"I like You, but, I like HER a lot more"}......WTF, yep, You reminded Me of a little kid in a candy store, with all the excitement You were in. I dealt with it and carried on,Didn't You notice the Hurt / Pain ? Yet You were the most welcomed person at Home any given day, Invites extended to a Dinner,and you declined to go on a "Dinner Cruise"...I understand its your Life and I have No say...but politeness goes a long way.....
You want Affection, You like being Pampered,You want Friendship,You like My company and My generosity,along with Warmth.....Why cant I expect the same from You, in return ?? Why in the name of ~!@#$% should I give you chances 1,2,3....and put up with the Rea's and the Juan's and a few more ?? Why do I let You come and go, as and when You wish ?? Why is that I see You, ONLY, when You want to see Me ?? Do You know,You are the worst story teller ?? and a Pathetic Liar !! Why the hell do I put up with You ??I'm still on that journey to discover......The Truth.....
It wouldn't have been worth the effort if everything was given to me on a Platter. And on the reverse side,I was given some hints to calculate my Fate.I read people from thousands of miles away,I can sniff a predator out,hidden behind the mask,wasn't the movie of Jekyll and Hyde not enough ?? That I get to meet one in Real !! STOP pulling wool over My eyes....cause..... I Notice things,which people Fail to Notice. I take upon me to Observe and stay Alert...Cause.....I'm the Mother......The Protector......and it is not by fluke I'm called the... "Hawk Mom". I guess...... this is the..... Whole Truth !!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
~~~~ Trying to reach out, to---You~~~~
Its hard to express,how I feel .But, from the time I saw You,I sensed this beautiful connection.Was it physical? Yep !! It was , Is there anything wrong in liking the physical beauty of a Person? Am I doing some sin, just cause I like, to admire, a person for his or her physical aspects? Even before we had the chance to talk to each other, I sensed something sweet and attractive that lured me towards YOU, in that, crowded room. When, You spot that special someone.What is it,that attracts you towards Him or Her? Its Magnetic, its Magical and its Real and You seem to be so sure, I noticed ,You were surrounded by that air of Confidence,which is so attractive.......
Was it that Aloof nature,The slight nodding of your head,that contagious Smile.Those Eyes,which spotted Me,The accidental touch ( was it accidental ?) the warmth in your voice,Polite conversations.The trying to fit in and figure out,what ticks me.All those, cute small gestures.That caring nature,A friend,always ready to lend you that helping hand,even before I asked for help.Making things happen,taking time from work. Also,some annoying habits,which needs to be dealt with tact and patience.Also your forgetfulness,easy way out to escape from controversies,When all those flaws just seem to melt away and you make no biggy ...you know, He is someone special.... :)
I can be impulsive when it comes to falling in Love,I don't stop to think,it happens fast and furious.Even before I collect myself and realize whats happening,I have already gone ahead,and if you don't stop me,or,nudge me gently asking me, to slow down,I would be there,at the alter ready to propose..goshhh.....I don't think its unfeminine to propose to a Gentleman !! My thinking is such { why waste time ?} and if I let go of this guy, any other would take Him.So,I would rather,go against the norms of the society and do the proposing ,is there anything to lose?
He doesn't have to be "The Perfect One",whats so Great about two perfect people coming together?? life becomes more Challenging and Fun when two Imperfect people,begin to enjoy each others differences.Meeting someone accidentally,then having Him become a Huge part of Your Life !!! When you begin to love his flaws,make excuses for him,laugh at his same, repeated jokes,get butterflies in your stomach, each time you see his number flashing, on your phone,spend each waking hour,minute,thinking about Him,getting tongue tied,when you finally see Him.The joy of being in his Arms,the smell of his after shave,the slight whiff of his mild perfume,His hairy Arms,his hairy chest { I find it Manly},the way he looks at you,his strong,Masculine Arms wrapped tightly in a embrace around my waist....I just melt away. I stand on my toes to reach up to his slightly parted lips as he bends forward to~~~~~Every time I think of You,You bring a *SMILE* to my lips.Each moment spent with You,In your Arms,is so special and You have gained yourself a special,permanent place in my Heart~~~~
I don't remember when I slipped into this, profound amount of feelings.Feelings those engulf me,show me a Brighter Sunshine....Even on a cloudy Rainy day, I begin to sway with the imaginary track playing in the back ground,Its a mix of feelings,mostly full of promises and Fantasies. I see hope,I see smiles, Goshhh..... I even see...Healthy,Well Fed Cows Jumping over the "Palak Farms"....Lol...If this is only a dream,I wish it would never end.Need I do this or need I do that ?? its a question which jumps in my mind each time. Do I believe and let go of the past ?? Or do I hold back a little and stay low on expectation ?? Having too much of expectations spoils everything.Yet,I seem to forget the pain or may be its that I can endure the pain,so I medicate and heal the pain.
Unheard words I take the courage to mouth them,voicing them in the dark,so keeping my face hidden.I know you can feel and see my Apparition and you know I'm Real. Yes, I Need You....Need You So Much...You would never know.....Its so hard to express....Every time we are together....its like We are just meant to be.....If you could just feel my Soul....I feel so lost in You...... You make Me so Complete~~~~Trust Me,I do not have the need to lie,I have Never felt this way.....The way you make Me feel~~~~~
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you ..................... And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest ...........................
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your arms all around me, baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night ...................
How can I ever, put myself before you, with eyes blind folded and take your hand in mine....What "If" at the end of the road you leave me alone...to go off with Another..?? Just like in the past.......Is it okay, to remain a little doubtful.... for the Fear of getting lost,only to be found,all Alone.......
Yet Again
Was it that Aloof nature,The slight nodding of your head,that contagious Smile.Those Eyes,which spotted Me,The accidental touch ( was it accidental ?) the warmth in your voice,Polite conversations.The trying to fit in and figure out,what ticks me.All those, cute small gestures.That caring nature,A friend,always ready to lend you that helping hand,even before I asked for help.Making things happen,taking time from work. Also,some annoying habits,which needs to be dealt with tact and patience.Also your forgetfulness,easy way out to escape from controversies,When all those flaws just seem to melt away and you make no biggy ...you know, He is someone special.... :)
I can be impulsive when it comes to falling in Love,I don't stop to think,it happens fast and furious.Even before I collect myself and realize whats happening,I have already gone ahead,and if you don't stop me,or,nudge me gently asking me, to slow down,I would be there,at the alter ready to propose..goshhh.....I don't think its unfeminine to propose to a Gentleman !! My thinking is such { why waste time ?} and if I let go of this guy, any other would take Him.So,I would rather,go against the norms of the society and do the proposing ,is there anything to lose?
He doesn't have to be "The Perfect One",whats so Great about two perfect people coming together?? life becomes more Challenging and Fun when two Imperfect people,begin to enjoy each others differences.Meeting someone accidentally,then having Him become a Huge part of Your Life !!! When you begin to love his flaws,make excuses for him,laugh at his same, repeated jokes,get butterflies in your stomach, each time you see his number flashing, on your phone,spend each waking hour,minute,thinking about Him,getting tongue tied,when you finally see Him.The joy of being in his Arms,the smell of his after shave,the slight whiff of his mild perfume,His hairy Arms,his hairy chest { I find it Manly},the way he looks at you,his strong,Masculine Arms wrapped tightly in a embrace around my waist....I just melt away. I stand on my toes to reach up to his slightly parted lips as he bends forward to~~~~~Every time I think of You,You bring a *SMILE* to my lips.Each moment spent with You,In your Arms,is so special and You have gained yourself a special,permanent place in my Heart~~~~
I don't remember when I slipped into this, profound amount of feelings.Feelings those engulf me,show me a Brighter Sunshine....Even on a cloudy Rainy day, I begin to sway with the imaginary track playing in the back ground,Its a mix of feelings,mostly full of promises and Fantasies. I see hope,I see smiles, Goshhh..... I even see...Healthy,Well Fed Cows Jumping over the "Palak Farms"....Lol...If this is only a dream,I wish it would never end.Need I do this or need I do that ?? its a question which jumps in my mind each time. Do I believe and let go of the past ?? Or do I hold back a little and stay low on expectation ?? Having too much of expectations spoils everything.Yet,I seem to forget the pain or may be its that I can endure the pain,so I medicate and heal the pain.
Unheard words I take the courage to mouth them,voicing them in the dark,so keeping my face hidden.I know you can feel and see my Apparition and you know I'm Real. Yes, I Need You....Need You So Much...You would never know.....Its so hard to express....Every time we are together....its like We are just meant to be.....If you could just feel my Soul....I feel so lost in You...... You make Me so Complete~~~~Trust Me,I do not have the need to lie,I have Never felt this way.....The way you make Me feel~~~~~
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you ..................... And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you, it just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest ...........................
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you
The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your arms all around me, baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night ...................
How can I ever, put myself before you, with eyes blind folded and take your hand in mine....What "If" at the end of the road you leave me alone...to go off with Another..?? Just like in the past.......Is it okay, to remain a little doubtful.... for the Fear of getting lost,only to be found,all Alone.......
Yet Again
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Adult Orphan....
Am I "That" terrible person..you envision...is it so difficult to accept the fact of life and carry on?? Would you call me Selfish,Inconsiderate,saving myself from the turmoil,is it okay to indulge in a want that is hard to express,the feeling to satisfy,to please,Am I right Am I wrong ??? Do I need to stop and think or Am I just too self absorbed,that I no longer have the capacity to think to decide...
Do you "feel" my pain?? Am I that strong person I put out there for the world to see?? Drowning myself in sorrow in drinks,trying hard to forget,trying to convince myself,what I'm doing is the right thing. How can I be the Lover and the Daughter,Both so perfect.
Devilish thoughts engulf me,I cross over the boarder, Do the unthinkable,Mourning for the loss of the Father,and encountering the Lover.Pleasing,Wanting,Desiring,and Mourning is it possible?? Yes, it is. Lesson learned...Life Goes On....
Apple of Your Eye Papa,Please forgive me,You lay there ..Thy body lifeless...gone through all the waiting to see thy daughter and Grand kids...Thy Soul departs..leaving thy fragile body...Depression,Hurt,Confusion,Decision...Leaves me feeling...crowded. Am I expected to feel Guilt?Sadness? Pain? Hurt ? How do I Mourn the loss, with out being influenced. How do I deal with the Pain? Do I embrace ? Do I ignore? Do I steal those moments and bury them?
Do I hug the Man I Love and confess to Him...that "I love Him" Am I okay? is it okay to behave,like this in such circumstances.Whom does my soul belong to and where does my heart belong? Would anyone understand? would you judge me?What does anyone expect in such hard times? Sympathy,Love,Understanding,Presence,Sex? or a Bottle of Vodka?? And I wanted them All !!
Drowned a couple of whiskey first thing in the Morning,to delete the Guilt,I want to feel the Pain,feel how wretched I'm,But,I have no courage to face the truth,nor Am I running from the truth from the fact.What do I need? Whom do I need?Why do I need?Show me the way Papa.
You live your life,leaving behind people to mourn after You.They feel,They mourn,and then they carry on with Life...here today gone tomorrow.Desires unfulfilled,Wishes on the list,lost...Can I have my childhood back Papa??
Do you "feel" my pain?? Am I that strong person I put out there for the world to see?? Drowning myself in sorrow in drinks,trying hard to forget,trying to convince myself,what I'm doing is the right thing. How can I be the Lover and the Daughter,Both so perfect.
Devilish thoughts engulf me,I cross over the boarder, Do the unthinkable,Mourning for the loss of the Father,and encountering the Lover.Pleasing,Wanting,Desiring,and Mourning is it possible?? Yes, it is. Lesson learned...Life Goes On....
Apple of Your Eye Papa,Please forgive me,You lay there ..Thy body lifeless...gone through all the waiting to see thy daughter and Grand kids...Thy Soul departs..leaving thy fragile body...Depression,Hurt,Confusion,Decision...Leaves me feeling...crowded. Am I expected to feel Guilt?Sadness? Pain? Hurt ? How do I Mourn the loss, with out being influenced. How do I deal with the Pain? Do I embrace ? Do I ignore? Do I steal those moments and bury them?
Do I hug the Man I Love and confess to Him...that "I love Him" Am I okay? is it okay to behave,like this in such circumstances.Whom does my soul belong to and where does my heart belong? Would anyone understand? would you judge me?What does anyone expect in such hard times? Sympathy,Love,Understanding,Presence,Sex? or a Bottle of Vodka?? And I wanted them All !!
Drowned a couple of whiskey first thing in the Morning,to delete the Guilt,I want to feel the Pain,feel how wretched I'm,But,I have no courage to face the truth,nor Am I running from the truth from the fact.What do I need? Whom do I need?Why do I need?Show me the way Papa.
You live your life,leaving behind people to mourn after You.They feel,They mourn,and then they carry on with Life...here today gone tomorrow.Desires unfulfilled,Wishes on the list,lost...Can I have my childhood back Papa??
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
~~~~The Name Game~~~~
........This one is for you "BALA"..........
My older child is lovingly called "Bala",as of now its just Me who calls her "Bala". Born 12 years ago,Even before she was conceived,I had known I would be naming my child with a Unique name,which also had a beautiful meaning to it,and yep,it would begin with the letter 'A'. My love for the letter 'A' goes back to my growing up days.It may sound funny to some,please don't judge me to be a 'letter freak' or 'superstitious',I aint both. (thankfully). I can't recall when it all began the Love for the letter 'A'...going back...roughly guessing it must have been when I,was learning to write the letters...or...may be Mouthing the letter 'A' as yayyyy....or it could be,when my papa insisted on scoring a 'A'..and the importance of standing first in class..or getting good grades..."A one" is what I used to hear all around me....As it was destined to happen I was getting more attracted to the letter A for some unknown reason.My best friend in school was Anita,then came Aruna, Amita, Amrita , Angela, Alisha....No joke...the list goes on..Hey hang on,they were not the only friends..I had my other bunch of friends as well..its not as if I went looking for people with the names starting with the letter 'A'..it just happened....
Okay,those were my (once upon a time school days),In college too I some how was stuck with the A fascination. Including A (Adult movies ) hehe I'm kidding.After I was done with my studies and took a break from books for a while.I was testing on to see if I would end up marrying someone whose name started with the letter A...Surprise Surprise I sure did !!!! Lol. It was just a coincidence that I met this gentleman and married him for the letter A...hahaha,come on I'm kidding.Anyways,now I was darn sure and it was hard proof that the child or children I would have in future shall be named with names starting with letter A.
Two yrs into marriage and I was blessed,when I realized I was pregnant,apart from getting things started and learning to be a Good Mom,I was busy browsing books for names,I was very clear regarding the letter A and had no second thoughts.The challenge was to find a Unique name which not only had a meaning to it ,but also a Story.Now now where was I to come across such a Name?? Again,consider me Lucky,I found the most Beautiful,Unique name with a fascinating story behind it and guess what...it started with the letter....yep....A.
Finally, I'm so excited, about the apt name, I found for my precious baby,feeling so proud of myself, With pride in my heart, I go to discuss with my hubby dear, about the name and on having the naming ceremony for our baby, on the Auspicious day... and to my utter surprise all I get is.....{ just a nod and a...long pause...and once again a hmmm..."do you want to think it over??"} "Goshhhh...dont you like the name??" So I tell him, "how about pitching in ??" (playing the important papa role)?? Do something, get creative,look for unique names....and the hubby dear pitches in with...Tina, Bina, Lina names.With all due respects to these names,I have nothing against these names.Its just , Not my cup of tea. :)
So,here I'm with baby in my Arms...The joy of my heart...the little cute bundle...and its time to name her.We had a small naming ceremony,As its customary for the Father of the child to whisper the name in her ears,The Papa bear does the needful,although with a little doubt in mind and unsure of the name,yet he goes ahead and whispers Her name... I have it my way as always.I'm pretty happy and see myself in control and happy finally my Precious baby has a Beautiful Name.
Day's roll by,and I'm here feeling all jittery ..why??? cause the name has to be registered and I need to get the Birth certificate,so as I can go and apply for her Pass Port. Hubby dear is been stalling for a pretty long time giving me stale excuses.I turned around and asked for his uncertainty,and hesitatingly hubby said... "can we change her name..???" Whhhhhhhhhhhhat ????? I tried explaining,haven't we named her the most beautiful ,unique name..??? It also has a story behind the name..More over you have named the baby on the Auspicious Day and whispered her name thrice in her ears!!!! Call me religious.. yes I'm. Hubby was adamant and wanted one more chance,his side of reasoning was {"You dint give me any time to decide on the name"}
Furious is a mild way to say,how I felt.But,I dint want him feeling betrayed and I was fed up with the whole situation,I just wanted a Name for my little one,and was ready to give in one more time.I asked Papa dear to write down some names on a piece of paper and fold them.So he did,may be some 4-5 names.Wrote them neatly on paper and folded them ( no one could see those names) and I had just One Unique name...wrote it neatly on a piece of paper and folded it.We tossed all these folded papers into a bowl and went into the God's room,I placed this bowl as a offering to the God's and prayed,that the name we pick shall be The name for my child,and that I shall be happy ( half heartedly)Later,we asked my Mom,to pick any folded paper from the bowl with her eyes closed. She did....I was the most nervous of them all.When my Mom read out the name...All I did was Cry !!! cry out of joy...All the God's were on my side and it was now Finalized !!!!
Finally it was the day for us to go and register the name.I was all ready and out of the house and to my horror,Papa bear is in no hurry and is still requesting me to change my mind !!!That was it...I could take no more...I stormed out of the house,with Papa bear running after me...hehehe. I jumped into a Auto parked by the side of the road and asked the driver to take me to the Registering Office.(lol) Papa bear caught up and he too jumped in with me...hahaha and kept asking me ...are you sure ?? your not gonna change your mind ?? I just ignored,went to the office and filled the forms,and very reluctantly Papa bear signed.. sigh *
Today not only is my Baby proud of her Name,so is Papa bear wink*.Not only that, he loves to narrate the story behind her name,and plus the whole incident of how she was named...hahaha. The second time I was pregnant,Papa bear just left it totally to me.We didn't want to repeat another ~~~ Name Game ~~~
ARYAKI and ACHIRAA
My older child is lovingly called "Bala",as of now its just Me who calls her "Bala". Born 12 years ago,Even before she was conceived,I had known I would be naming my child with a Unique name,which also had a beautiful meaning to it,and yep,it would begin with the letter 'A'. My love for the letter 'A' goes back to my growing up days.It may sound funny to some,please don't judge me to be a 'letter freak' or 'superstitious',I aint both. (thankfully). I can't recall when it all began the Love for the letter 'A'...going back...roughly guessing it must have been when I,was learning to write the letters...or...may be Mouthing the letter 'A' as yayyyy....or it could be,when my papa insisted on scoring a 'A'..and the importance of standing first in class..or getting good grades..."A one" is what I used to hear all around me....As it was destined to happen I was getting more attracted to the letter A for some unknown reason.My best friend in school was Anita,then came Aruna, Amita, Amrita , Angela, Alisha....No joke...the list goes on..Hey hang on,they were not the only friends..I had my other bunch of friends as well..its not as if I went looking for people with the names starting with the letter 'A'..it just happened....
Okay,those were my (once upon a time school days),In college too I some how was stuck with the A fascination. Including A (Adult movies ) hehe I'm kidding.After I was done with my studies and took a break from books for a while.I was testing on to see if I would end up marrying someone whose name started with the letter A...Surprise Surprise I sure did !!!! Lol. It was just a coincidence that I met this gentleman and married him for the letter A...hahaha,come on I'm kidding.Anyways,now I was darn sure and it was hard proof that the child or children I would have in future shall be named with names starting with letter A.
Two yrs into marriage and I was blessed,when I realized I was pregnant,apart from getting things started and learning to be a Good Mom,I was busy browsing books for names,I was very clear regarding the letter A and had no second thoughts.The challenge was to find a Unique name which not only had a meaning to it ,but also a Story.Now now where was I to come across such a Name?? Again,consider me Lucky,I found the most Beautiful,Unique name with a fascinating story behind it and guess what...it started with the letter....yep....A.
Finally, I'm so excited, about the apt name, I found for my precious baby,feeling so proud of myself, With pride in my heart, I go to discuss with my hubby dear, about the name and on having the naming ceremony for our baby, on the Auspicious day... and to my utter surprise all I get is.....{ just a nod and a...long pause...and once again a hmmm..."do you want to think it over??"} "Goshhhh...dont you like the name??" So I tell him, "how about pitching in ??" (playing the important papa role)?? Do something, get creative,look for unique names....and the hubby dear pitches in with...Tina, Bina, Lina names.With all due respects to these names,I have nothing against these names.Its just , Not my cup of tea. :)
So,here I'm with baby in my Arms...The joy of my heart...the little cute bundle...and its time to name her.We had a small naming ceremony,As its customary for the Father of the child to whisper the name in her ears,The Papa bear does the needful,although with a little doubt in mind and unsure of the name,yet he goes ahead and whispers Her name... I have it my way as always.I'm pretty happy and see myself in control and happy finally my Precious baby has a Beautiful Name.
Day's roll by,and I'm here feeling all jittery ..why??? cause the name has to be registered and I need to get the Birth certificate,so as I can go and apply for her Pass Port. Hubby dear is been stalling for a pretty long time giving me stale excuses.I turned around and asked for his uncertainty,and hesitatingly hubby said... "can we change her name..???" Whhhhhhhhhhhhat ????? I tried explaining,haven't we named her the most beautiful ,unique name..??? It also has a story behind the name..More over you have named the baby on the Auspicious Day and whispered her name thrice in her ears!!!! Call me religious.. yes I'm. Hubby was adamant and wanted one more chance,his side of reasoning was {"You dint give me any time to decide on the name"}
Furious is a mild way to say,how I felt.But,I dint want him feeling betrayed and I was fed up with the whole situation,I just wanted a Name for my little one,and was ready to give in one more time.I asked Papa dear to write down some names on a piece of paper and fold them.So he did,may be some 4-5 names.Wrote them neatly on paper and folded them ( no one could see those names) and I had just One Unique name...wrote it neatly on a piece of paper and folded it.We tossed all these folded papers into a bowl and went into the God's room,I placed this bowl as a offering to the God's and prayed,that the name we pick shall be The name for my child,and that I shall be happy ( half heartedly)Later,we asked my Mom,to pick any folded paper from the bowl with her eyes closed. She did....I was the most nervous of them all.When my Mom read out the name...All I did was Cry !!! cry out of joy...All the God's were on my side and it was now Finalized !!!!
Finally it was the day for us to go and register the name.I was all ready and out of the house and to my horror,Papa bear is in no hurry and is still requesting me to change my mind !!!That was it...I could take no more...I stormed out of the house,with Papa bear running after me...hehehe. I jumped into a Auto parked by the side of the road and asked the driver to take me to the Registering Office.(lol) Papa bear caught up and he too jumped in with me...hahaha and kept asking me ...are you sure ?? your not gonna change your mind ?? I just ignored,went to the office and filled the forms,and very reluctantly Papa bear signed.. sigh *
Today not only is my Baby proud of her Name,so is Papa bear wink*.Not only that, he loves to narrate the story behind her name,and plus the whole incident of how she was named...hahaha. The second time I was pregnant,Papa bear just left it totally to me.We didn't want to repeat another ~~~ Name Game ~~~
ARYAKI and ACHIRAA
Monday, July 23, 2012
~~~~The Amorous Me~~~~
The Amorous Me.....
{The sad part is.. I don't think I'm compatible with many. Either I get bored cause the person is too tame and slow or I loose interest in a person who's too demanding and aggressive (since I can handle that part pretty well by Myself) }
Come, fall in love with Me, and, you'll never lack for excitement... ;) But are you the kind of man who can handle a full-blooded independent, forceful female? Because that's what I'm.I look for a partner who can make Me feel safe, secure, protected. I need to feel like a woman, and I need My Man to be like a MAN. I don't like to be controlled or dominated, except in the bedroom... ;). And even then, you better hurry, because my fiery domineering nature will rear and I can flip the script quickly.It takes a man who is secure in himself to handle Me. I'm not to be taken lightly, or to be used or abused
This passionate, intense creature can't give a tepid response.I'm a fully stocked fireplace, with logs, kindling, and paper, waiting for the touch of a match to set Me on fire.
In relations with men I'm domineering. You can either accept it or leave. If you stay, you've made the first concession on a long road. At the end, you're likely to find you've been molded and shaped to fit My image of what My love should be.
What I want, I get. When a man meets an irresistible force, he tends to become a highly movable object.Yes, I need love and normally get more than my share, but, I let NO man become My lord . I like to meet a man on equal terms. If he offers loyalty, I repay him in kind. If he is untrustworthy, I also repay him in kind.
When in love I'm faithful, and expect total fidelity in return. My jealousy is rooted in possessiveness. I don't need a lover who has too many other interests. I want all of him—or nothing at all. I need to be number One in your life. I need for you to express and show me this. I am very confident in myself and abilities. HOWEVER, let me think that I am not first in your life, or that at some point I am sharing what I know to be mine?? ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! That's when the relationship is over for me. I aint jealous because of a feeling of insecurity (the root cause of most jealousy), but because I have to be the number one in my Lovers life.
My happiness lies in a long term relationship. I enjoy sharing everything with a lover and I'm highly affectionate, even sentimental. I can / will be your staunchest ally, fight side by side with you, believe in you, encourage you. I'm a marvelous companion for a man on the way up or fighting to stay at the top because I'll give him all the strength and determination.Yep I'm Ambitious!!
When I do not feel loved enough,I can become shrill and demanding. Above all, I won't tolerate being IGNORED or neglected. The straight road to perdition is a relationship with an unhappy Me :(.All I want is to be understood and appreciated. If you can handle Me with a little tact and admiration, this vivacious, active, mischievous, sensual, fascinating woman will do anything for YOU..... :)
{The sad part is.. I don't think I'm compatible with many. Either I get bored cause the person is too tame and slow or I loose interest in a person who's too demanding and aggressive (since I can handle that part pretty well by Myself) }
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
~~~~Tyro Soldier~~~~
" Hey Tyro Soldier, Who gave You thy Armor?
Protect thy self, thy body, and let thy Soul wander---
Sworn to wound others ,and Leave them to bleed
Can thy sleep a restful sleep, Tyro Soldier?
Fragment from thy last conquest, or, was it thy defeat?
That led thy astray, to the heated heath,
Not known to bow thy head in defeat---
Learn to navigate through the gate of Peace
Being a Tyro, when shall you reap, the fruit of thy labor?
What fruit? what labor?
Thy harvest was nothing, burnt down by flame---
Destroyed in the pride of thy reign
Pride is thy Nature, and thy shall not go, against thy grain
Who wrote defeat on the walls
Yet thy Complained / Proclaimed---Alas,"
" I AM ONLY HUMAN "
Protect thy self, thy body, and let thy Soul wander---
Sworn to wound others ,and Leave them to bleed
Can thy sleep a restful sleep, Tyro Soldier?
Fragment from thy last conquest, or, was it thy defeat?
That led thy astray, to the heated heath,
Not known to bow thy head in defeat---
Learn to navigate through the gate of Peace
Being a Tyro, when shall you reap, the fruit of thy labor?
What fruit? what labor?
Thy harvest was nothing, burnt down by flame---
Destroyed in the pride of thy reign
Pride is thy Nature, and thy shall not go, against thy grain
Who wrote defeat on the walls
Yet thy Complained / Proclaimed---Alas,"
" I AM ONLY HUMAN "
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
You Can Not Escape Me....I Have My Eyes On "YOU"
Call me a little paranoid or over protective,I can be a "Hawk Mom" when the need arises,and in my case the need arises frequently..almost every day :P.Its still okay,I'm just making sure my Girls are safe...and it is No crime to be alert and watch out for any suspicious Monster...My kids call me the Hawk Mom !!! hehe ( I like that title)... ;)
I guess,this protectiveness is seen in every Parent,but,it depends the extent to which they can go.I have seen very cool,non interfering Parents,who let their kids just be and let them learn from their mistakes...kids, fall get up and learn a lesson...I'm okay with the Fall thing,you fall get a little bruise and then you are all okay to run again.My protectiveness stems from my upbringing and my experiences as a growing up preteen/teen.I was molested,and it wasn't by any green eyed monster,but,some one I innocently looked up to,respected and considered as a uncle figure. He was a friend of the family,I was only a 12 yr old,naive little girl,who had no idea,what this "uncle" was up to...I just knew what ever he did,was not right,knew it was wrong...the problem was,how was I to tell my Mom??what was I to tell her??would she have believed me??I found it embarrassing, I was scared and I was shy to tell my Mom..This incident left a deep scar and a feeling of fear and hate for males.Okay, this was, back then...but...I never have forgotten this incident.Now married, and a mother of two Beautiful girls,I'm going to try and keep my girls safe and teach them how they can be safe...
We talk to our kids and ask them to be weary of strangers,we try our best to see our kids are safe and emphasize upon staying away from unknown places and from strangers.They are taught not to trust strangers and to be alert about their surroundings....doing this we think we have done our duty as a Parent and we think our kids are safe....are You sure your kid is Safe???Sexual predators live in your neighborhood. It is a very sad truth that there are men (and some women) who abuse children. It is a parent's worst nightmare to think their child could potentially become a victim of a sexual predator. Even more chilling, is the fact that sexual predators are often, A trusted relative,or a good friend of the family.Unfortunately, there are sick people in every walk of life.
I have tried creating an environment at home, where my 11 yr old feels free of telling me everything. I always thank my daughter for telling me something, even if she is "tattling". We don't discourage "tattling" in our home, because that is a tool a sexual predator may use to keep their victim quiet.It wasn't easy,{A, year ago,I caught my child watching some Adult contents on the Net,when asked upon,out of fear,she denied and lied,that left me wondering,where had I gone wrong??}
I had to win her over,and show,her,that she could always confide in me, that she wouldn't be judged,and that We would Believe her !! Another very important way to protect your kids from sexual predators is to let them know their bodies are respected. I know it is common to make children hug their grandmothers or aunts or whoever, but in doing that, you are also communicating the message (however unintentional) that they have to do something with their bodies that makes them feel uncomfortable, because an adult says so.Now, we have stopped the practice of welcoming a Friend or Relative with a Hug.
We now have open communication with our child.God forbid,if, your child does approach you and has the courage to tell you that something someone did made them feel uncomfortable, Believe them. Even if it is a loved one, Believe them. Sexual predators come in all walks of life......Take care, my big Puyo and little Puyo!!! and Remember Mommy is here....Hawk Mom !!!
I guess,this protectiveness is seen in every Parent,but,it depends the extent to which they can go.I have seen very cool,non interfering Parents,who let their kids just be and let them learn from their mistakes...kids, fall get up and learn a lesson...I'm okay with the Fall thing,you fall get a little bruise and then you are all okay to run again.My protectiveness stems from my upbringing and my experiences as a growing up preteen/teen.I was molested,and it wasn't by any green eyed monster,but,some one I innocently looked up to,respected and considered as a uncle figure. He was a friend of the family,I was only a 12 yr old,naive little girl,who had no idea,what this "uncle" was up to...I just knew what ever he did,was not right,knew it was wrong...the problem was,how was I to tell my Mom??what was I to tell her??would she have believed me??I found it embarrassing, I was scared and I was shy to tell my Mom..This incident left a deep scar and a feeling of fear and hate for males.Okay, this was, back then...but...I never have forgotten this incident.Now married, and a mother of two Beautiful girls,I'm going to try and keep my girls safe and teach them how they can be safe...
We talk to our kids and ask them to be weary of strangers,we try our best to see our kids are safe and emphasize upon staying away from unknown places and from strangers.They are taught not to trust strangers and to be alert about their surroundings....doing this we think we have done our duty as a Parent and we think our kids are safe....are You sure your kid is Safe???Sexual predators live in your neighborhood. It is a very sad truth that there are men (and some women) who abuse children. It is a parent's worst nightmare to think their child could potentially become a victim of a sexual predator. Even more chilling, is the fact that sexual predators are often, A trusted relative,or a good friend of the family.Unfortunately, there are sick people in every walk of life.
I have tried creating an environment at home, where my 11 yr old feels free of telling me everything. I always thank my daughter for telling me something, even if she is "tattling". We don't discourage "tattling" in our home, because that is a tool a sexual predator may use to keep their victim quiet.It wasn't easy,{A, year ago,I caught my child watching some Adult contents on the Net,when asked upon,out of fear,she denied and lied,that left me wondering,where had I gone wrong??}
I had to win her over,and show,her,that she could always confide in me, that she wouldn't be judged,and that We would Believe her !! Another very important way to protect your kids from sexual predators is to let them know their bodies are respected. I know it is common to make children hug their grandmothers or aunts or whoever, but in doing that, you are also communicating the message (however unintentional) that they have to do something with their bodies that makes them feel uncomfortable, because an adult says so.Now, we have stopped the practice of welcoming a Friend or Relative with a Hug.
We now have open communication with our child.God forbid,if, your child does approach you and has the courage to tell you that something someone did made them feel uncomfortable, Believe them. Even if it is a loved one, Believe them. Sexual predators come in all walks of life......Take care, my big Puyo and little Puyo!!! and Remember Mommy is here....Hawk Mom !!!
Monday, May 21, 2012
~~~~ 51 KETLEY PL, ;) ~~~~
From time immemorial, A platonic Friendship between the people of different genders, is doubted upon.Though sharing defines close friendships, there's a noted gender divide in the way people express intimacy. In other words,between Men they,
prefer topics like cars or sports rather than themselves. Women conducted friendships by sharing information about themselves, their emotions, and their relationships. Women related "face-to-face" and men related "side-to-side."....hmm...You get what I mean...We get to see that, don't We..???
Friendship between the young is thought to be grounded on pleasure,Okay, we all get that, don't we??,but how young is young?? Would the age 36 be considered young?? The lives of the young are regulated by their feelings, and their chief interest is in their own pleasure and the opportunity of the moment. With advancing years, however, their tastes change too, so that they are quick to make and to break friendships ( hmm,this becomes a case to ponder upon) because their affection changes just as the things that please them do and this sort of pleasure changes rapidly. Also the young are apt to fall in love, for erotic friendship for the most part swayed by the feelings.I guess, that is why they fall in and out of friendship quickly, changing their attitude often within the same day.That is how they realize the object of their friendship..... (what crap) So is it friendship, or is it erotic friendship??Consider, it was only erotic friendship,when a Male friend,moved out and forgot conveniently to share his New Address !!!( I laughed ) Although,he maintained his contact with us,not ones did he tell us,that, he was no more at his old address, the facade went on, for nearly a year,He maintained the Lie... while I pretended to believe Him.....Such mean mentality people,are in no means worthy of My friendship....Even,my enemies,need to be worthy of my Animosity.... huh
So,I get going on my journey to prove everyone wrong.Over the years, I have been fortunate to have a few well meaning Male friends.I have come to notice I get along pretty well with the opposite gender than with those of my own ( Females). With all due respect to the Ladies out there,I cant stand the bitchy nature of women.My status on Facebook may say I have some 400+friends but is it true???If you thought women are capable of bonding,and understanding another woman,think twice...I may,have to face the wrath of other women (in case they are reading this blog).Well,yes I do share,my emotions,thoughts,feelings with a very few close friends,whom I consider as thoughtful,mindful friends,either they are some one I know for the last 20 + years.I know for sure, I'm not being judged for who I'm,what I'm or where I'm.That's cause,our friendship goes way back to my teen years.These are my true friends,whom I can call upon 2 in the morning or discuss some boring crappy neighbor.
prefer topics like cars or sports rather than themselves. Women conducted friendships by sharing information about themselves, their emotions, and their relationships. Women related "face-to-face" and men related "side-to-side."....hmm...You get what I mean...We get to see that, don't We..???
Friendship between the young is thought to be grounded on pleasure,Okay, we all get that, don't we??,but how young is young?? Would the age 36 be considered young?? The lives of the young are regulated by their feelings, and their chief interest is in their own pleasure and the opportunity of the moment. With advancing years, however, their tastes change too, so that they are quick to make and to break friendships ( hmm,this becomes a case to ponder upon) because their affection changes just as the things that please them do and this sort of pleasure changes rapidly. Also the young are apt to fall in love, for erotic friendship for the most part swayed by the feelings.I guess, that is why they fall in and out of friendship quickly, changing their attitude often within the same day.That is how they realize the object of their friendship..... (what crap) So is it friendship, or is it erotic friendship??Consider, it was only erotic friendship,when a Male friend,moved out and forgot conveniently to share his New Address !!!( I laughed ) Although,he maintained his contact with us,not ones did he tell us,that, he was no more at his old address, the facade went on, for nearly a year,He maintained the Lie... while I pretended to believe Him.....Such mean mentality people,are in no means worthy of My friendship....Even,my enemies,need to be worthy of my Animosity.... huh
So,I get going on my journey to prove everyone wrong.Over the years, I have been fortunate to have a few well meaning Male friends.I have come to notice I get along pretty well with the opposite gender than with those of my own ( Females). With all due respect to the Ladies out there,I cant stand the bitchy nature of women.My status on Facebook may say I have some 400+friends but is it true???If you thought women are capable of bonding,and understanding another woman,think twice...I may,have to face the wrath of other women (in case they are reading this blog).Well,yes I do share,my emotions,thoughts,feelings with a very few close friends,whom I consider as thoughtful,mindful friends,either they are some one I know for the last 20 + years.I know for sure, I'm not being judged for who I'm,what I'm or where I'm.That's cause,our friendship goes way back to my teen years.These are my true friends,whom I can call upon 2 in the morning or discuss some boring crappy neighbor.
Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present.
When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a
distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life
pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to
experience.In my opinion, the friendship of those who are good, is perfect.These are the people who wish good for each other, and they are good in themselves, because each loves the other for what he is, and not for any incidental
quality. Accordingly,such friendships are considered to last longer,more over,goodness is an enduring quality.However,I earlier stated,that,all women unbiased,by nature have these bitchy qualities.I dread to go to a female friend ( someone whom i just met a few yrs ago, say 5-6 yrs ago) and tell her a sob sob story.Its not her fault cause she is low on Empathy.Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition
from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what
they are feeling.
All that sharing and discussing in a female-female friendship can become exhausting, as we all have been there and done that,One night, I stayed up all night comforting a broken hearted girlfriend . With men, I can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. "Friendships with men are lighter, more fun,". "Men aren't so sensitive about things." At times, I also like the protective, familial and casual warmth I get from my men Friends. viewing them as surrogate big brothers."You know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?"Platonic love does exist !!a connection devoid of lust...
All that sharing and discussing in a female-female friendship can become exhausting, as we all have been there and done that,One night, I stayed up all night comforting a broken hearted girlfriend . With men, I can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. "Friendships with men are lighter, more fun,". "Men aren't so sensitive about things." At times, I also like the protective, familial and casual warmth I get from my men Friends. viewing them as surrogate big brothers."You know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?"Platonic love does exist !!a connection devoid of lust...
Friday, May 18, 2012
Muscules In The Family.....
~~~My girls aged 11 and 3 respectively,are big time into,muscle building these days. I understand,my little one is just too small to work out seriously,but,she just likes the Mommy, Didi and I,time we spend together,working out.I'm teaching some basic Yoga and Asana to my older one,She is a pro at Suryanamaskar, she can,effortlessly do 6 sets at one go!!!Weights right now are off limits,we normally do floor exercises (push ups,crunches,Pilates),In order to keep them motivated, I was sharing stories(facts)of their Great Grandpa, Great Grand Uncles and of course their Mango Aaj,( my dad) and their Maama's ( my brothers).My older child is full time into reading.What better way to learn about the Family history and keep yourself entertained in a healthy way ,while gaining knowledge and learning more about their background.... so here goes....
As a child, growing up with a house full of, Muscular Men,made me feel safe. What more,we had a house gym right behind our house, in our courtyard.When I say "Gym",don't imagine a gym with all the modern equipments.This is way back in the 70's, back home in Southern India, Although the Men were busy,taking care of our large Business,They made it a point and very religiously followed their workout routine,and no excuses were accepted. This Gym was exclusively for the "Men" of the Household, we kids were exceptions.... But,the Ladies of the house were forbidden to enter the Gym. The Men took their work out time, very seriously,almost like a daily ritual.I remember watching my Grandpa,performing the Puja (worship) we had a big idol of Lord Hanuman,if you guys aint aware of Lord Hanuman,~~ here goes {* Hanuman is the mightiest and the most powerful of the God's,He has played a very vital role in the epic Ramayan~~ He fought against Ravan and rescued,Sita wife of Rama~~ Hanuman is said to have immense power/strength that he lifted a Mountain on his palm and flew~~ Well in short someone like Superman !! *}So,in India its common to see,Body Builders and Weight Lifters worshiping,Lord Hanuman at their Gyms.
Okay,now let me get back to my,Muscular Men, ;)...so, as I said,we as kids ( me and my siblings and other younger cousins) were allowed to watch--- the weights being lifted and all the body building which was going on around us, But,not allowed to touch any of the weights.These weights were made out of Wood !!!(remember I'm talking about way back and plus home gym).The weights,Dumbbells,there was one particular weight,which looked like a huge club it may have been like 40-50 lb.My grandpa called it the (karel).I have seen my grandpa,lift this Karel, way up over his head,in one hand,and swirl it around his head...hmm--- wow,how excited I used to get watching him do this,I guess this was used, to develop the muscle in the fore arm.I have seen,my cousin doing the---- *Clean and Jerk, Jerk and Lift *He would sometimes ask one of us to sit on him, when he did his Push Ups or ask us to (two on each arm) cling on his Arm and he would lift us up like weights... goshhh...After,spending a couple of hrs or more in the gym and working out to their satisfaction, My grandpa, would ask one of the boys,to go fetch some boiled eggs and tall glasses of Almond milk,which is already prepared and kept ready by the Ladies of the House,not just that,we had our very own masseur who would come by and massage the tired,sweaty men, they would get oil massage~~ wow,that sounds like Fun isn't it ??? for all that hard work they did, they totally needed it,..ufff...I'm jealous...hehe
Its,no exaggeration,if I said,All the men in the Family were Muscular.My oldest cousin brother,Satish Rao was a professional Weight lifter and a Body Builder,He has won many Trophies,on the National Level and was a Gold Medalist, same with his Dad ( my uncle).One of my uncles,was into wrestling..( hobby wrestling)....never saw him wrestle though :( ( I was not allowed to go to the wrestling area).So I grew up seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger Magazines, all around the house ( my cousin imported them).....So,working out was something which came very naturally to us,Sadly No women / girls in the family were allowed to work out... ( remember I'm talking about some 30+ yrs ago)
Although we had water connections through out the house and in the courtyard,I would often see my Dad,drawing water from our Well and he would water, our huge coconut garden,and I would wonder-- Why..???.With the minimum of equipments around, they build their bodies to perfection !! Did you know, pulling water from the well, is a total work out for the whole body!! well I dint either,but now I know.. :)
At dawn,the men would wake up and off they would go to the Gym,and strip down to their Langot ( google for info on Langot ) and may be that's the reason why,Ladies of the house were forbidden to enter the gym *wink* hehe...and all that hard work gave them...Sculptured Bodies to perfection...My grandpa,older uncle and my older cousin are no more now...But, they are fondly remembered,by all of us,for their Discipline,Dedication and Passion. :) Love you~~~ Papa Ajja, Mantu and Satish Anna ...Muah !!!
As a child, growing up with a house full of, Muscular Men,made me feel safe. What more,we had a house gym right behind our house, in our courtyard.When I say "Gym",don't imagine a gym with all the modern equipments.This is way back in the 70's, back home in Southern India, Although the Men were busy,taking care of our large Business,They made it a point and very religiously followed their workout routine,and no excuses were accepted. This Gym was exclusively for the "Men" of the Household, we kids were exceptions.... But,the Ladies of the house were forbidden to enter the Gym. The Men took their work out time, very seriously,almost like a daily ritual.I remember watching my Grandpa,performing the Puja (worship) we had a big idol of Lord Hanuman,if you guys aint aware of Lord Hanuman,~~ here goes {* Hanuman is the mightiest and the most powerful of the God's,He has played a very vital role in the epic Ramayan~~ He fought against Ravan and rescued,Sita wife of Rama~~ Hanuman is said to have immense power/strength that he lifted a Mountain on his palm and flew~~ Well in short someone like Superman !! *}So,in India its common to see,Body Builders and Weight Lifters worshiping,Lord Hanuman at their Gyms.
Okay,now let me get back to my,Muscular Men, ;)...so, as I said,we as kids ( me and my siblings and other younger cousins) were allowed to watch--- the weights being lifted and all the body building which was going on around us, But,not allowed to touch any of the weights.These weights were made out of Wood !!!(remember I'm talking about way back and plus home gym).The weights,Dumbbells,there was one particular weight,which looked like a huge club it may have been like 40-50 lb.My grandpa called it the (karel).I have seen my grandpa,lift this Karel, way up over his head,in one hand,and swirl it around his head...hmm--- wow,how excited I used to get watching him do this,I guess this was used, to develop the muscle in the fore arm.I have seen,my cousin doing the---- *Clean and Jerk, Jerk and Lift *He would sometimes ask one of us to sit on him, when he did his Push Ups or ask us to (two on each arm) cling on his Arm and he would lift us up like weights... goshhh...After,spending a couple of hrs or more in the gym and working out to their satisfaction, My grandpa, would ask one of the boys,to go fetch some boiled eggs and tall glasses of Almond milk,which is already prepared and kept ready by the Ladies of the House,not just that,we had our very own masseur who would come by and massage the tired,sweaty men, they would get oil massage~~ wow,that sounds like Fun isn't it ??? for all that hard work they did, they totally needed it,..ufff...I'm jealous...hehe
Its,no exaggeration,if I said,All the men in the Family were Muscular.My oldest cousin brother,Satish Rao was a professional Weight lifter and a Body Builder,He has won many Trophies,on the National Level and was a Gold Medalist, same with his Dad ( my uncle).One of my uncles,was into wrestling..( hobby wrestling)....never saw him wrestle though :( ( I was not allowed to go to the wrestling area).So I grew up seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger Magazines, all around the house ( my cousin imported them).....So,working out was something which came very naturally to us,Sadly No women / girls in the family were allowed to work out... ( remember I'm talking about some 30+ yrs ago)
Although we had water connections through out the house and in the courtyard,I would often see my Dad,drawing water from our Well and he would water, our huge coconut garden,and I would wonder-- Why..???.With the minimum of equipments around, they build their bodies to perfection !! Did you know, pulling water from the well, is a total work out for the whole body!! well I dint either,but now I know.. :)
At dawn,the men would wake up and off they would go to the Gym,and strip down to their Langot ( google for info on Langot ) and may be that's the reason why,Ladies of the house were forbidden to enter the gym *wink* hehe...and all that hard work gave them...Sculptured Bodies to perfection...My grandpa,older uncle and my older cousin are no more now...But, they are fondly remembered,by all of us,for their Discipline,Dedication and Passion. :) Love you~~~ Papa Ajja, Mantu and Satish Anna ...Muah !!!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
"Thanks"......to "YOU"......
This is a "Thank You" note to all those people....
"Thank You", for Hurting me,if it wasn't for--- "YOU", I wouldn't have known, how it feels, to be Hurt.....
"Thank You",for those Lies,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels,to be Lied to.....
"Thank You",for showing me the Bitter side of this World,If it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have noticed the Bitterness around Me....
"Thank You", for showing me,whom to Trust and whom Not to Trust,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I would have Trusted everybody....
"Thank You",for Stabbing Me, in my back,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have this scar,on my Back (Heart)....
"Thank You",for taking Advantage of Me,if it wasn't for---"YOU",I would have been deprived, of this....
"Thank You",for making a Fool of Me,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels,to be Foolish....
"Thank You",for Ignoring me, in public,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known how it feels to be Ignored,in public....
"Thank You",for the Partiality,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,what is called--- being Partial....
"Thank You",for all those painful words,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have,known or heard them....
"Thank You",for all those times,when you stood Me up,promised,Only to break it,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I would still be believing in hollow words.....
"Thank You",for opening up My eyes,if it wasn't for---"YOU",I would have felt safe, leaving my kids, with any smooth talker....
" Thank You",for teaching Me Patience,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,what is Patience,when I waited Patiently,On a rainy evening,I learned about Patience....
"Thank You",for helping me become a better cook,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have tried to improvise on my culinary skills....
"Thank You", for the Threat,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't know,how it feels, to be---- Threatened....
"Thank You",for the way You make Me feel,If it wasn't for---"YOU",I wouldn't have felt, the way, I feel...and this blog would never have happened....
"Thank You",for the effort,You put in teaching me "Latin",All those Translations,and the innovative,captivating,"Picture",who else would have been so thoughtful?? But---"YOU".....
" Thank You",for not showing up,on my Birthday,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels, to be,made to wait until 12 midnight, to cut the Birthday cake ( while keeping the other friends also, waiting)....
"Thank You"
"Thank You", for Hurting me,if it wasn't for--- "YOU", I wouldn't have known, how it feels, to be Hurt.....
"Thank You",for those Lies,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels,to be Lied to.....
"Thank You",for showing me the Bitter side of this World,If it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have noticed the Bitterness around Me....
"Thank You", for showing me,whom to Trust and whom Not to Trust,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I would have Trusted everybody....
"Thank You",for Stabbing Me, in my back,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have this scar,on my Back (Heart)....
"Thank You",for taking Advantage of Me,if it wasn't for---"YOU",I would have been deprived, of this....
"Thank You",for making a Fool of Me,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels,to be Foolish....
"Thank You",for Ignoring me, in public,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known how it feels to be Ignored,in public....
"Thank You",for the Partiality,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,what is called--- being Partial....
"Thank You",for all those painful words,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have,known or heard them....
"Thank You",for all those times,when you stood Me up,promised,Only to break it,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I would still be believing in hollow words.....
"Thank You",for opening up My eyes,if it wasn't for---"YOU",I would have felt safe, leaving my kids, with any smooth talker....
" Thank You",for teaching Me Patience,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,what is Patience,when I waited Patiently,On a rainy evening,I learned about Patience....
"Thank You",for helping me become a better cook,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have tried to improvise on my culinary skills....
"Thank You", for the Threat,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't know,how it feels, to be---- Threatened....
"Thank You",for the way You make Me feel,If it wasn't for---"YOU",I wouldn't have felt, the way, I feel...and this blog would never have happened....
"Thank You",for the effort,You put in teaching me "Latin",All those Translations,and the innovative,captivating,"Picture",who else would have been so thoughtful?? But---"YOU".....
" Thank You",for not showing up,on my Birthday,if it wasn't for--- "YOU",I wouldn't have known,how it feels, to be,made to wait until 12 midnight, to cut the Birthday cake ( while keeping the other friends also, waiting)....
"Thank You"
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
All About......WORDS !!!!!
I was still in bed,when I recalled the Movie I saw last night...starring Sandra Bullock { All About Steve }...If you are unawares of this movie,here is something to look for in this simple 2 hr movie.I enjoyed it with my Family..and I'm sure you will too....
It made me realize how we use our Language rather,I would say---- { Words } in our day to day life... in this movie,Sandra, works as a Puzzle creator.She is smart, in a geeky way and simply abnormal in a smart way.She lives in a world of her own,world of words,world of knowledge,world of Kindness,who knows no deceit.
Even as we all go through life,each day doing our duties,fulfilling the wishes,catering to this one and that one,Talking,Listening,Mouthing our words.....Do we stop to listen to what we say...??? when and why??? Nopes we don't...Don't you think this world would have been a much better and a simpler place to live in...if, All of us stopped to listen to our own Words...???? there would not be any unpleasantness, No Rivalry, No Bad Mouthing,No Hurt..... list goes on...
Our Brain works fast than our tongue,If only one would learn to control the tongue....." pen is mightier than a sword " {we all know that}...."Tongue is mightier than a Gun" { I bet you dint know this one !!!} ;)....
How many words do we use in a day??? If You are a Politician ...oh excuse me,I feel sorry for you...your life is nothing but reduced to words,words those are not of your own,words, put in for you, by your team or assistant. Celebrities are another lot...who do nothing, but, go around mouthing words...I'm in awe of the professors,who are constantly lecturing from one place to the other,from one lecture hall to another...words,words,words...
There are Hurtful words,Kind words,Thoughtful words,Bad words,Loving words......have you tried saying---- "I Love You"---when in Anger??? try saying "I Love You" when your angry......I have heard myself saying " I Love You" a million times in a day...but never tried it when I'm Angry...may be its time for me to try... :)
Have a Great Day !!!!! Be Good !!!!! Muah
It made me realize how we use our Language rather,I would say---- { Words } in our day to day life... in this movie,Sandra, works as a Puzzle creator.She is smart, in a geeky way and simply abnormal in a smart way.She lives in a world of her own,world of words,world of knowledge,world of Kindness,who knows no deceit.
Even as we all go through life,each day doing our duties,fulfilling the wishes,catering to this one and that one,Talking,Listening,Mouthing our words.....Do we stop to listen to what we say...??? when and why??? Nopes we don't...Don't you think this world would have been a much better and a simpler place to live in...if, All of us stopped to listen to our own Words...???? there would not be any unpleasantness, No Rivalry, No Bad Mouthing,No Hurt..... list goes on...
Our Brain works fast than our tongue,If only one would learn to control the tongue....." pen is mightier than a sword " {we all know that}...."Tongue is mightier than a Gun" { I bet you dint know this one !!!} ;)....
How many words do we use in a day??? If You are a Politician ...oh excuse me,I feel sorry for you...your life is nothing but reduced to words,words those are not of your own,words, put in for you, by your team or assistant. Celebrities are another lot...who do nothing, but, go around mouthing words...I'm in awe of the professors,who are constantly lecturing from one place to the other,from one lecture hall to another...words,words,words...
There are Hurtful words,Kind words,Thoughtful words,Bad words,Loving words......have you tried saying---- "I Love You"---when in Anger??? try saying "I Love You" when your angry......I have heard myself saying " I Love You" a million times in a day...but never tried it when I'm Angry...may be its time for me to try... :)
Have a Great Day !!!!! Be Good !!!!! Muah
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Person I Took For Granted~~KUSUM~~My Amma
We have all noticed how time flies...Goshhh.. I woke up as usual...My little one woke up a little earlier than usual,and I was,having lots on my mind today....
As a morning ritual I have (karela juice) bitter gourd juice with fenugreek seed powder mixed in.Been taking this since a long time now.As I was having this ...I got this strong urge to write ...in fact pour out my feelings...I know its impossible for most of us to write about certain topics,you need to be prepared mentally...go back in time,collect pieces from here and there,put them together and try to make some sense out of that story or the fact of life...which once seemed so true to you,which you are going to cherish or hold on too at times and situations they come up to haunt you or save you from your plight....some times they tease ... to ridicule you ...or it can also be a long hard grudge ......and at other times....They are just Fond Memories......
I have been wanting to write about a Person in my life...whom I took for granted...whom we all have taken for granted at some point in our life....Yet She is always there for us...in our Joys she is the one who sheds tears....out of Joy.....in our fears ..she is the one who shields us ....in our sorrow...she is the one we look up to for comfort...in our pain she is the one we run too...She has played the role Beautifully....Given care...Love...Warmth..and as I'm typing my eyes are moist at the thought of Her.....KUSUM my Mother...this is for You !!!!!...Love you Amma !!!
I'm confused as to where to begin,there is so much to write,so many beautiful memories...listening to the track by {Colonial Cousins} Indian Rali...memories crowding my mind.....I used to listen to this track once upon a time seems so long ago...growing up back home....I have come such a long long way...I the one who used to be so depending on my Amma all the while...(lets not make it my story...I want to remain in the background....and let my Amma take the lead role...Play her part)........
The most Beautiful woman,I have ever known, both inside and outside....most Patient...most tolerating...most caring...most giving...Simple down to Earth....with one goal in her Heart to give Love....may be she did have expectations...may be she did want Love back...she never asked and I never gave....Never showed her I cared...may be I just didn't...She was there for me..and I took advantage of her presence...that was it, life for me was made simple...I took no responsibilities,for anything...Amma was there a Strong back bone for All of us....little did I realize,this back bone of mine was actually deteriorating,was getting fragile,was getting weak..physically....Amma never complained... always was hardworking,keeping the family together...maintaining the Peace and covering up our flaws...what do I call you Amma??? Survivor...Warrior...Angel...I just know you as my "Amma".......
I want my children to know more about their..{Mamia}...my older child fondly called her..."Mamia". My little one never got a chance to know Amma,spend time with her...Love her. I may not be able to do full justice to this Wonderful Woman ...who molded me...guided me...transformed me....its just my attempt at...bringing my children closer and helping them to know a little about Amma.
A simple woman,with high ambitions,I still cant relate to this amazing fact...She was not very highly Educated...coming from a Business background,and belonging to a tiny Village,The school system in those days was not too good,and,Amma had this passion to learn,go to college.But,she found herself being faced with lot of road blocks,She faced, a lot of hardships at a very tender age...she couldn't continue with her Education..being a drop out...her Ambition in life was to learn to speak,a foreign language.....with desire in heart..love for her siblings...she continued her life...with all the hardships...may be she was ridiculed...may be she was taken for granted...She reminds me of Cinderella....I'm trying to keep the language simple,I want my kids to read this and understand their Mamia....Yes,I can call this beautiful Lady..."Cinderella"....She found her Prince,my Papa...why do these fairy tales have such cute and happily ever after kind of endings..??...Well yet again,if they didn't then where's the difference between fairy tales and reality..???
Back to reality,Amma did like her life being married to her Prince,Living in a joint family may not seem very difficult,(ask me).Well you do have the,pros and cons.My Grandpa was the head of the huge Family consisting of 23 members in all plus the 8 maids and helpers.When growing up it was a big party time for me through out.Little did we as kids realize the pressure and tension of being a Adult.I would see my Amma...busy busy busy in the house all the time,catering to everyone,taking care of every one's needs,Never complaining,Never tired....yes, I did see those tears,wet pillows,( and not once did I ask her.....why??).
She had this beautiful nature,of making everyone feel welcomed.( may be, that is the reason why,we had so many guest coming over, every season and over staying their stay...ha)She not only took care of the Family,she was also very kind towards the 8 helpers.The fact is, even to this date she is fondly remembered by them.As a kid, I remember seeing them,waiting patiently for their "Kusum Akka".Some memories are so hard to wipe out,they remain with us cause we don't want to let go of them so easily,is it because we cling to it?? or is it because they are Fond memories??
Back then in my Home town,we had very few Convent schools,it was considered prestigious,to be student at these convent schools,comparatively,the school fees was almost twice the amount of any other school.It was my Amma's vision to see her kids go to these schools.I'm the proud one to say, I was the First kid, to get enrolled in a convent school,next followed by my siblings and then my younger cousins.
Amma was my Rock of Gibraltar, The strong one,and I leaned on her too much.( and she let me lean).Like all parents she too wanted to see me settle down have children.She made life less complicated,by just doing everyone Good and letting everyone take her for Granted..huh.She never complained to complain,that was one way she hid her insecurities,her hurt,her pain....Being a Simple Woman,she had no idea about the world around her,the meanness of the people around her, I'm pushed to believe that she either didn't understand or chose to ignore.I wish Amma taught me how to tackle the World around me,I had to learn it the hard way!! learn it by myself....Now that I know,I take it upon me to,mold my girls,make them aware of their surroundings.The Good and the Evil we get to see of the people,the back stabbers....the list goes on....Amma,amma,amma...didn't you see all this coming???? or is it that,You wanted, Me to learn it the hard way??
Amma I miss you,We all miss you...I wish you were here to see my babies grow.I try to walk in ur shoes Amma,But,naah its so difficult.You had such a Warm,Generous Heart,and I just can't seem to be, that, Generous in terms of Forgiving.You were a epitome of Tolerance,Patience,Kindness...Why is that I'm so different ??? Is it because I live in a different time?? or is it because, I'm incapable of being like You...Amma,I know You are always around us,I need your Strength,to face this world and raise my babies...to be like You !!!
"Miss you and Love You Amma....Always"
As a morning ritual I have (karela juice) bitter gourd juice with fenugreek seed powder mixed in.Been taking this since a long time now.As I was having this ...I got this strong urge to write ...in fact pour out my feelings...I know its impossible for most of us to write about certain topics,you need to be prepared mentally...go back in time,collect pieces from here and there,put them together and try to make some sense out of that story or the fact of life...which once seemed so true to you,which you are going to cherish or hold on too at times and situations they come up to haunt you or save you from your plight....some times they tease ... to ridicule you ...or it can also be a long hard grudge ......and at other times....They are just Fond Memories......
I have been wanting to write about a Person in my life...whom I took for granted...whom we all have taken for granted at some point in our life....Yet She is always there for us...in our Joys she is the one who sheds tears....out of Joy.....in our fears ..she is the one who shields us ....in our sorrow...she is the one we look up to for comfort...in our pain she is the one we run too...She has played the role Beautifully....Given care...Love...Warmth..and as I'm typing my eyes are moist at the thought of Her.....KUSUM my Mother...this is for You !!!!!...Love you Amma !!!
I'm confused as to where to begin,there is so much to write,so many beautiful memories...listening to the track by {Colonial Cousins} Indian Rali...memories crowding my mind.....I used to listen to this track once upon a time seems so long ago...growing up back home....I have come such a long long way...I the one who used to be so depending on my Amma all the while...(lets not make it my story...I want to remain in the background....and let my Amma take the lead role...Play her part)........
The most Beautiful woman,I have ever known, both inside and outside....most Patient...most tolerating...most caring...most giving...Simple down to Earth....with one goal in her Heart to give Love....may be she did have expectations...may be she did want Love back...she never asked and I never gave....Never showed her I cared...may be I just didn't...She was there for me..and I took advantage of her presence...that was it, life for me was made simple...I took no responsibilities,for anything...Amma was there a Strong back bone for All of us....little did I realize,this back bone of mine was actually deteriorating,was getting fragile,was getting weak..physically....Amma never complained... always was hardworking,keeping the family together...maintaining the Peace and covering up our flaws...what do I call you Amma??? Survivor...Warrior...Angel...I just know you as my "Amma".......
I want my children to know more about their..{Mamia}...my older child fondly called her..."Mamia". My little one never got a chance to know Amma,spend time with her...Love her. I may not be able to do full justice to this Wonderful Woman ...who molded me...guided me...transformed me....its just my attempt at...bringing my children closer and helping them to know a little about Amma.
A simple woman,with high ambitions,I still cant relate to this amazing fact...She was not very highly Educated...coming from a Business background,and belonging to a tiny Village,The school system in those days was not too good,and,Amma had this passion to learn,go to college.But,she found herself being faced with lot of road blocks,She faced, a lot of hardships at a very tender age...she couldn't continue with her Education..being a drop out...her Ambition in life was to learn to speak,a foreign language.....with desire in heart..love for her siblings...she continued her life...with all the hardships...may be she was ridiculed...may be she was taken for granted...She reminds me of Cinderella....I'm trying to keep the language simple,I want my kids to read this and understand their Mamia....Yes,I can call this beautiful Lady..."Cinderella"....She found her Prince,my Papa...why do these fairy tales have such cute and happily ever after kind of endings..??...Well yet again,if they didn't then where's the difference between fairy tales and reality..???
Back to reality,Amma did like her life being married to her Prince,Living in a joint family may not seem very difficult,(ask me).Well you do have the,pros and cons.My Grandpa was the head of the huge Family consisting of 23 members in all plus the 8 maids and helpers.When growing up it was a big party time for me through out.Little did we as kids realize the pressure and tension of being a Adult.I would see my Amma...busy busy busy in the house all the time,catering to everyone,taking care of every one's needs,Never complaining,Never tired....yes, I did see those tears,wet pillows,( and not once did I ask her.....why??).
She had this beautiful nature,of making everyone feel welcomed.( may be, that is the reason why,we had so many guest coming over, every season and over staying their stay...ha)She not only took care of the Family,she was also very kind towards the 8 helpers.The fact is, even to this date she is fondly remembered by them.As a kid, I remember seeing them,waiting patiently for their "Kusum Akka".Some memories are so hard to wipe out,they remain with us cause we don't want to let go of them so easily,is it because we cling to it?? or is it because they are Fond memories??
Back then in my Home town,we had very few Convent schools,it was considered prestigious,to be student at these convent schools,comparatively,the school fees was almost twice the amount of any other school.It was my Amma's vision to see her kids go to these schools.I'm the proud one to say, I was the First kid, to get enrolled in a convent school,next followed by my siblings and then my younger cousins.
Amma was my Rock of Gibraltar, The strong one,and I leaned on her too much.( and she let me lean).Like all parents she too wanted to see me settle down have children.She made life less complicated,by just doing everyone Good and letting everyone take her for Granted..huh.She never complained to complain,that was one way she hid her insecurities,her hurt,her pain....Being a Simple Woman,she had no idea about the world around her,the meanness of the people around her, I'm pushed to believe that she either didn't understand or chose to ignore.I wish Amma taught me how to tackle the World around me,I had to learn it the hard way!! learn it by myself....Now that I know,I take it upon me to,mold my girls,make them aware of their surroundings.The Good and the Evil we get to see of the people,the back stabbers....the list goes on....Amma,amma,amma...didn't you see all this coming???? or is it that,You wanted, Me to learn it the hard way??
Amma I miss you,We all miss you...I wish you were here to see my babies grow.I try to walk in ur shoes Amma,But,naah its so difficult.You had such a Warm,Generous Heart,and I just can't seem to be, that, Generous in terms of Forgiving.You were a epitome of Tolerance,Patience,Kindness...Why is that I'm so different ??? Is it because I live in a different time?? or is it because, I'm incapable of being like You...Amma,I know You are always around us,I need your Strength,to face this world and raise my babies...to be like You !!!
"Miss you and Love You Amma....Always"
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