The Adult Orphan....

 Am I  "That" terrible person..you envision...is it so difficult to accept the fact of life and carry on?? Would you call me Selfish,Inconsiderate,saving myself from the turmoil,is it okay to indulge in a want that is hard to express,the feeling to satisfy,to please,Am I right Am I wrong ??? Do I need to stop and think or Am I just too self absorbed,that I no longer have the capacity to think to decide...
              Do you "feel" my pain?? Am I that strong person I put out there for the world to see?? Drowning myself in sorrow in drinks,trying hard to forget,trying to convince myself,what I'm doing is the right thing. How can I be the Lover and the Daughter,Both so perfect.
            Devilish thoughts engulf me,I cross over the boarder, Do the unthinkable,Mourning for the loss of the Father,and encountering the Lover.Pleasing,Wanting,Desiring,and Mourning is it possible?? Yes, it is. Lesson learned...Life Goes On....
           Apple of Your Eye Papa,Please forgive me,You lay there ..Thy body lifeless...gone through all the waiting to see thy daughter and Grand kids...Thy Soul departs..leaving thy fragile body...Depression,Hurt,Confusion,Decision...Leaves me feeling...crowded. Am I expected to feel Guilt?Sadness? Pain? Hurt ? How do I Mourn the loss, with out being influenced. How do I deal with the Pain? Do I embrace ? Do I ignore? Do I steal those moments and bury them?
          Do I hug the Man I Love and confess to Him...that "I love Him" Am I okay? is it okay to behave,like this in such circumstances.Whom does my soul belong to and where does my heart belong? Would anyone understand? would you judge me?What does anyone expect in such hard times? Sympathy,Love,Understanding,Presence,Sex? or a Bottle of Vodka?? And I wanted them All !!
            Drowned a couple of whiskey first thing in the Morning,to delete the Guilt,I want to feel the Pain,feel how wretched I'm,But,I have no courage to face the truth,nor Am I running from the truth from the fact.What do I need? Whom do I need?Why do I need?Show me the way Papa.
           You live your life,leaving behind people to mourn after You.They feel,They mourn,and then they carry on with Life...here today gone tomorrow.Desires unfulfilled,Wishes on the list,lost...Can I have my childhood back Papa??