Here I'm after a pretty long gap,and I have a beautiful reason to be here today,I normally ( like most of us) come to pen my thoughts and feelings. I need inspiration,motivation,feel Depressed or Happy to be here,these deep emotions inspire me and bring out the best in Me and I respond to those deep feelings and my fingers fly over the keyboard,words burst across and I feel I'm making a point and being myself. In the end its "Satisfaction"~~~~
My husband is away in LA on work.I'm here home with my 2 beautiful girls.I have the time at hand, it can get crazily busy at times.Yet,I take the time to stop and smell the coffee.I'm right now in this sphere of life where I have begun to question my existence. Do I make a difference being around ? Does it matter to anyone if I'm here or gone ? How can I cherish even the shortest ( mostly insignificant ) time spent ? How can I be happy and break a Smile at that stranger ? How can I be of help to anybody/ somebody ? How do I teach my children to appreciate and value what they have ? How do I teach them to be content ? How do I teach them to be HAPPY ? ~~~~
"David", its the most common of the names,but every time I hear this name I burst Laughing or a Wide Smile sweeps across my face and I feel bright and happy.David is the most funniest man I have ever come across. He has the ability to make even a deaf man "Smile". He is those happy go lucky guys,one of a kind.He has this beautiful soul,he can uplift you make you smile in the most sincere and unexpected way. It is hard to ignore such a vibrant, funny character.So, this blog is dedicated to " David" for always bringing that smile on my face ~~~~
Way back,almost a decade ago,I had some things which needed fixing in the bathroom, I called for the maintenance and there was David at my door.This was our first introduction, this Big,Tall, Heavy, Skinhead standing with a wide smile at my door.Although his smile was/is so contagious, he kinda spooked me a little,I got a little nervous seeing him,but then,what needs to be done needs to be done.I tried to hide my nervousness and went along. He went into the bathroom looking for the problem zone,it was the faucet in the sink.He began his job with expertize and showing of his skills all the time staring at Me and shaking his head. There I was standing, he looked up and said.." You Indians are Weird " I was not sure,Do I open my mouth and yell at him or just maintain my peace and hear him out. I was not sure,so I stayed quiet,moreover I was also nervous seeing this Big Strong guy. Then what he said totally took me by surprise...he pointed at some part of the faucet and said..." that's the Male and this is the Female ".Well, I wont go into details to explain what he meant, cause it was the most inappropriate of the things to say to anybody,especially if you are meeting for the first time. That, was it, David was now someone to be feared,I walked away into the living room,called my husband and was on the phone talking to him.This was done, cause my imagination took me to all those scary thoughts of this man might do to me,here I was talking to my husband in the hope that David would do his job and get lost.~~~~
Then to now its been such a long journey and David is no longer someone to be afraid of. He is such a kind hearted,funny, softie. Knowing him all these years has opened my eyes,made me question so many scenarios and I have seen things differently. Firstly, looks are deceptive. He may look scary to some,with his strong,huge,tall structure.Ones you get to know him,you'll see a Gem of a Human.May be he is not one of those white collared guys. But, he is more Human than many of those, so called well mannered, well educated men, I have known. Surprisingly, he is so intuitional... I was going through a bad phase, a dry life spell, I had stopped going down and stayed indoors mostly. I'm sure,many around me didn't even miss me or realize what was wrong,or may be they did see something was wrong,and decided to ignore it and let me take my own time to heal.During one of those times,when all I wanted was some soothing words to uplift me, some silly joke to make me laugh or some thing said,which would bring a smile...it was David who saw...I was avoiding people and would go to the gym when nobody was around. One day, on the way to the gym,I ran into David...and he said..."Hey, Maria ( name given to me by David ) You have a Beautiful smile, show off those dimples more, You are one person, who is beautiful inside and outside"...I was so moved by his words,he wasn't trying to charm me, Its just David being David. !! Making a difference in your life and uplifting your mood,making you feel wonderful,bringing back that smile !! No body noticed my sadness,not even my husband ?? or did everyone around me notice,but did nothing ?? ~~~~
Another scenario, we had a loud neighbor,who lived alone. There's nothing much to talk about him.He is one of those neighbors,who everyone would stay away from and ignore.He was nothing but trouble. I was being stalked by this guy. It went so far,that one day he was at my door asking me for the "Main keys". I told my husband,and he put his hands up and asked me to talk to the manager. I went up to the office and complained about this,to the manager.She said,she could do nothing about it and asked me to call 911 if this guy was harassing me or stalking me. Very shortly after this incident, I saw this man moving all his stuff out and he was no more living in the neighborhood.It was only later,we heard that David had taken " care" of the matter, his way. I have no clue what David did or say to this guy,But, it was David,who came to the rescue.~~~~
David, You may be loud,You may talk vulgar, You may just be a ordinary maintenance guy,You may not be highly educated, But, to Me, You are such a Gem of a Person. You are someone I can totally trust. You are amazing at what ever you do. Most importantly, You have ALWAYS made me Smile !!!
Thank You David
Friday, April 25, 2014
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Two Sides To the Coin~~~~
The Lucky One has seen the"Kitten in me"...This aggressive Aries can Prrr like a kitten, when in love. Which lasts just as long, as I know that my Love is being reciprocated, in the manner I deserve.When I adore the object of my affection,My Love knows no boundaries,I can go all out of the way to win you over with Love, Care,Affection,Adoration,Dedication,Loyalty...Satisfy all your whims and fancies,because I feel its my duty. This phase stays with me,until I wake up to the reality.I can count on my fingers...how many have seen this "Kitten" in me....just Two !! yes,I have been in relationships,hard to say how many...but,its Only the Lucky Two who got the taste of the "Kitten in me"......
After all the high tide,the calm sets in,and its the dawn of realization,and the Kitten returns back to her normal self..."Aggressive Tigress" is what I call myself,after a careful self assessment. I hate to see me in Love,I hate it when I'm in Love,I hate the vulnerable Me. Where I prrr and coochie coo and get all mushy...doesn't suit me. I have come to the conclusion I wasn't made for Love. They are just 2 types of people whom I can Love, with totality and sincerity..whom, I have divided into 2 categories...They are, the ones, whom I can Respect and the ones I love out of Pity.
If I put you up on the Pedestal,its out of Respect and Admiration...which evolves into Love...Love totally made to idolize and worship..I can give you the reigns....and sit back,let you take over and dominate me. Because,I may be led to believe that you are worthy and deserving. One tiny bubble can puncture my imagination and you can come tumbling down,from the pedestal !!!
and then,I know you were just a mere Human,with errors and egos.
In the 2nd category,I love you,out of Pity.I want to care,I want to stay,I want to Love..but it all boils down to pity. I cant get myself to hurt you,cause you have meant me no harm... nor do you get my Respect...cause you have let me take the reigns for far too long. Letting me dominate you. This has always led to confusion.
Being always in confusion has not solved anything,being unable to voice thoughts has had the opposite effect,and being able to voice thoughts has its own fears,sends you thinking...."did I do the right thing,talking"?? When ever I have been in such confused state of mind,I like to stay away,I go into the cocooning phase and shut out,I feel safe when I'm "thinking",I come out still confused...as to "how do I say, what I need to say, to the other person" Is it gonna get any better?? or stale away...I need to choose my words carefully...I need to make myself Understood,I need to make my point clear with out crossing boundaries most importantly,I shouldn't get aggressive,sarcastic or hurt the other person or embarrass myself.......
In spite of all the wall talk ( talking to myself ) I'm unable to let go.I hate it when I'm being reminded of the recent past.Why is it so difficult for me to let go ?? Is it because until now...NO man had the audacity to take me for granted ?? and here I face the man,whom I adore and I don't get what I expect....So what is it that I expect from "Him"?? In this day and age of relationships with no strings attached and Friends with Benefits,I don't gel "in"its a scary thought for me to have a relationship,break up and still stay friends...ufff, its hard to digest. Cause if I were to "break up" then there would be some reason behind the break up. It can be Hurt,Pain,Lies,Trust Issues....although I may forgive...I never forget.The trust is gone Forever. I do have my share of "Ex" with whom I'm still in touch and they are all great dudes....The reason why I'm still friends with them is .....cause they "Never" hurt me...they made me feel good...they put me high up on a Pedestal....and I Admire each one of them !!!! :)
These days,I have been comparing the Married Men to the unmarried lot. It's a laughing matter and its not an exaggeration if I were to say...."Men have forgotten to evolve". They are still in the cave mans hunting stage with of course, the modern gadgets,which makes life oh so "complicatedly simple" .Its universal all over Young,Old,Married,Unmarried,Divorced...what ever the status may be,the one thing "he" wants "You" have it... To each his own....I'm not the ashamed one here...cause I wont point fingers at anyone. I like to live my life,at my will,on my terms....You can live yours,the way you please.
So, here is a small incident.. my Married friend ( my childhood classmate ) K.K lives in China.He has been married for over,18yrs. He calls me up time to time,we chat for hrs at end.Each time he calls me, he tells me, that, he wants to "see" me...He is willing to fly all the way to India. So, out of curiosity,I emailed my travel itenary to him....well, yeah !! you guessed right....He'll be in India,when I'm there, :P....I was listening to him with a naughty grin on my face....Hey,listen...the ball is still in my court.I can always,back off from seeing him... :). I wasn't surprised when he said he would fly down for a couple of days and fly back to China.I was expecting something like that...Lol
I'm totally okay with relationships,relationships,which mean no harm,which are safe,which do not hurt the either and their loved ones,which are long distance, LDR,which have years of earned respect and understanding.Relationships which can be openly spoken about and not hidden. The type of relationship I have with K.K is okay and normal and there is nothing to hide,my other half is well aware of.....but,the problem arises when ....He is ready to fly all the way from China to India,for a "day" to meet me....this is kinda not Normal in my opinion :). You don't need to be a Rocket Scientist,to guess what K.K is after.... huh.
Am I supposed to feel pride or Am I supposed to run away?? As far as I have known ,I guess, I send those vibes across ( unknowingly ) which men take it as a Invitation to flirt...Lolz. Nothing wrong with men flirting,they are meant to do that,But,I have still not understood...."why with me" ?? I don't remember encouraging any Man ( believe me ) . Well,I come across aggressive at times, I'm also....cool,cute,friendly,attentive,talkative.
Never,thought of myself as flirty or sexy ...
I have a long list of married men,who have at one time or the other proposed,flirted or directly asked me out...A husband of my best friend...best friend of 20+ yrs !! My reaction was of total disbelief and surprise...For the last 8yrs,He has been calling me all the way from India...yep nothing great..but listen to this...He drives a couple of hrs from his remote Estate... due to connectivity issues,he,drives all the way to the city,( Mysore or Bangalore) once a week,only to call Me !! How do you expect me to react ?? Tell my best friend ? tell her,her hubby is flirting with me? It all began with innocent decent talks,in the beginning. But,as time went by,innocence was replaced by bold demands/wants/flirty remarks.
I didn't want to upset the delicate balance and spoil my relationship with my Best Friend of 20+ yrs...If I happened to answer his call,I would make some polite conversations,after a short while make some excuse and end the call..and hoped by some miracle he would take it as a hint and stop calling....Nopes,nothing worked,in fact he would get upset or irritated at me....So,I used the best weapon we women use....Ignore,ignored his calls,in the hope,He would get the message and stop calling.This didn't work too...for a while the calls went on....It took him 8 long yrs,to give up !!...sadly it ended with a sour note... :( However,I'm still in good terms with my Best Friend,and she knows nothing about this whole episode....
The Unmarried on the other hand...oh goshh, what do I say...Lolzzz...they can send me to the Moon one night,buy me the Stars...walk on the clouds...Eat ice cream on a snowy night....Praise me...embrace me.. even with all my insults, still,flaunt me....Only....To bed Me !!! :P
After all my studies and comparing between the Married and the Unmarried lot....I still, prefer the Married,however ( at a arms length ) because, they are more easy to deal with and most of them are very understanding.They are also very appreciative and polite, unlike the other unmarried lot. The single men are more or less fickle minded,opportunistic by nature and also quick to hop in and out...Thus making me push them to the back burners... Lolz. This is a generalized assessment of course...
Friday, January 4, 2013
Desi Parents In America !!! Part 1 and 2
PART ONE
Even before I begin to pen my thoughts,I need to consider a few things regarding the Kids raised under different set of circumstances,situations,class,country....its not easy for me to judge others on my believes,cause its not right on my part to impart advices,as I myself is a "Learner"...With respect to all the readers as a Parent,I understand,You are doing a wonderful job of raising your child/children.With all the sacrifices you do,The love and care,which Only a thoughtful,Parent can give,The bond You share with your Child.....Its only between the "Parent and Child"....thus it makes the relationship....so special !!!
I was born and raised in India.Yes I do have some very Modern as well as some very Ancient ( according to some) ways of thinking.Don't judge me....its not my fault, :) . We all evolve with time,in some cases time goes ahead leaving you behind,but,to make things run smoothly you need to go forward and keep pace with time.I'm of the understanding,when one is at the learning stage...starting off as a new born...toddler...kindergartner...and so on...The child looks up to the Parents and peers for guidance,support, and Advice.It becomes the duty of the Parent to Guide the child,Nurture the innocent brain, feed it with care and Love.In these times,its what You as a parent has learn t and experienced comes to use.We impart to the child,what we know the good the bad,its our life experience that we impart to our offspring,...we try to keep our child safe...we set examples...as good parents...
When my parents raised Me, My dad, imparted the knowledge of/from his generation,what he as a child learned,through his mistakes and He was careful enough to see that I didn't make those choices and tried to keep me safe...( did he do anything wrong,by trying to keep me safe ??)...When I was young,I thought my dad was,over protective..I failed to see the undying Love and Care and Fear,my Dad had for me...Thats because I was not yet a "Parent"...
Times have seen changes,generation gaps are still mentioned from time to time.I was born during the era of....Bread,
Led Zeppelin,April wine, Bee Gees, The Doors, Rolling stones Boston, Billy Idol, Metallica ,MJ, Madonna, Dire Straits, Radio Head, Nirvana, 311,Alice in Chains, Guns N Roses,Santana,.........just to name a few....I grew up listening to them and crooning to their tunes...My Preteen has No idea who these are...She belongs to the generation of...Rihanna, Katy perry, Shakira ,Beyonce, Usher, Nicki Minaj, Adele, Taylor swift......to name a few.....In this age and era of Tech,X box, Laptops ,iPads, and all the other gadgets....There seems to be a void between the Parent and the child..not to forget the extra curricular activities,which take away a lot of time....The tech savvy Parents versus the tech savvy kids !!! Parents all over the world,be it India or America..look for lone time...and children are being encouraged to be independent and keep themselves busy with...Gadgets.
In spite of all the modernization and the technology,Parents have always wanted one thing, which they have made as their Priority in life ( and those who haven't, its high time you did ) The safety and well being of their children. No matter, how broad minded,well educated and modern you are...at the end of the day....You are a "Parent".
PART TWO
Do,I need to doubt my abilities as a Mother ? as a Nurturer ?Well,after some debate last night over how to raise Desi kids in the States,I began to wonder.This takes me back to the generation gap and the cultural infrastructure.
In my experience ( which is relatively vast) I have not come across anyone who sincerely asks for Advice,I have come to understand that when a person,comes to you seeking for your Advice,He/She has already done the research and has come to a conclusion,of the situation.Then,asking for a Advice,can be a matter of habit,or a matter of satisfaction.So,this person feels safer,knowing that,there's another,who sees His/Her point of view and agrees.....Like wise,I do my research carefully and then decide to ask for a second opinion,I'm broad minded and always open to suggestions and like to know what a like minded person would have to say....
But,I would say its not wise on my part to ask a "yet to be parent" about raising Desi Kids in America !! Here its tricky and no matter how like minded or compatible one would be, but,A parent has a totally different view point,almost opposing to that of the 'yet to be parent'....Over the years as a Parent, my priorities seem to have changed,It wasn't unexpected or didn't come as a rude shock...I changed with the change.....Before,I can go any further,I need to take this journey down the memory lane.....It goes way back to my Dad and his growing up days. I agree Living in a big city,or a modern society,brings a change in a person.One can be totally foolish living amongst scholars,or be aloof and lonely living in NYC !!.....like wise,you can be broad minded living in a small town or narrow minded living in a city.....Growing up in my home town,I was considered to be a misfit,because of my thoughts and my modern thinking.....Now I am here in this Modern,broad minded,forward country ......and looks like,I am left behind.....uff
Back in those days 1950's,this is when my Dad was single,He had totally different views which naturally opposed and stood out from the rest of the common crowd.Yes,he wanted to escape from the narrow mindedness and the norms, which bind us to the so called society.To have it his way,He remained single for as long as he possibly could.When all of his friends got married,to the girls chosen for them by the Parents ( called as arranged marriages ),My Dad,went ahead and said he wouldn't settle for any arranged marriage.Call him a rebel !! He went to live in the cities...had a few relationships which didn't work.Finally,my grand dad had to step in and an ultimatum was given.To cut the long story short,My dad married my Mom.He still maintained his thoughts about the society and how he wants to lead His life and what he had in store for his offspring.So,the "yet to be Dad"...was busy making plans,to be the "most broad minded dad" to give the offspring...All the liberty and Freedom and be a buddy !!! okay,sounds interesting...There,the offspring came along,in a Pink bundle...A Baby Girrrrl !!!
Okay, that's me the First born.Now,it was left to see,was he gonna keep his word?? was he gonna be the broad minded dad,he claimed to be...Ahaan,The fun part has yet to begin,( if you're a Dad and your reading this you know what I mean ).... I was the Apple of His Eye !!! A tiny little scratch and the whole roof would come down...My every wish was his command...This,one particular incident,is for ever itched in my mind....we had gone to Bangalore( state capital of Karnataka) which is situated in the South of India...and we were almost reaching back home,to Mangalore...Our driver Dharampal was driving...I must have been 17 yrs old...and I suddenly...gasped,at my forgetfulness,and loudly made a comment....."papa,I had seen this one beautiful gown on Brigade...and goshhh,I wanted it so bad" :( :( .That was it,Dharampal was asked to turn around and we were going back to B'lore for that gown !!!! can you believe it ??? Well that's one side to my loving Papa...I never had to ask for anything twice !! call me pampered ....On the other hand...I was all of 10 and had this desire to learn, to play the Guitar...the answer was NO, a flat NO. Extra curricular activities would interfere with my studies...I was 13 and wanted to learn swimming,again....it was NO. I was 15 and wanted to learn Karate....NO.In the meanwhile my siblings,my 2 brothers,were in to sports,music,instrument...and the blah blah.
At 17,I was a total rebel,I went ahead and took swimming lessons,with out my dad's permission.This doesn't mean I didn't respect him,I was just learning to come out from under his wings.I was trying to tell my Dad its okay,I can take care of myself,he needn't worry.But,each person has a different way of conveying a message,some do it aggressively some do it calmly,ultimately it is you who has to decide.There is no Right or Wrong,what you perceive to be "Right",could be "Wrong" in my view. Yes,I was raised with a boundary line drawn neatly and wasn't supposed to cross it.This used to a common practice in almost all the house holds back home in M'lore.One more stricter, than the other.Looking back,I consider myself Lucky cause,I have seen and known some friends,whose parents,were far more strict than my dad.Talking about boys or thinking of a having a boyfriend was Taboo........
Time and again I have rebelled,this is when I was in my 20s yes 20s !! I was offered a job as a Ground Hostess..and this is what my Dad had to say...."Over my dead body,you are NOT taking this job,You are My daughter and you aren't going to work". He was of the thought,that he would be looked down upon,and the damn society would think my dad wasn't capable of taking care of his Family..so,Family,Name and Prestige were the 3 vital issues.......
No man was good enough for this "Papa's girl" Men who came were Analyzed under a microscope.So,years went by,I was seeing my friends marrying and settling down.At 29 the rebel in me woke up,only to get married to the person I had never met before......( yes, I was in for this arranged marriage)...Life is a Gamble,and I'm all for risks !! I have taken risks in the past here and there,a tiny one here a tiny one there...Risks which didn't involve my Family,Risks which were harmless,Risks which didn't hurt someone.I have Gambled with life...But,come to think of it..destiny has always had a different game planed out for me....So,this gambler settles down.....been 15 yrs.
When did I turn and tune in to sound and act like my Dad??? When my Pink Bundle was handed over to me !!! the Fragile little thing,melted my heart,is it possible to Love somebody unconditionally ?? Is it possible to lay your self down for somebody ?? Yes it is...Every parent can do it...Welcome to Parenthood !! I the one with the free spirit...I the Broad minded one....I the Gambler,has turned into the ....Over protective,Paranoid Mom !!!.....Now I ask you.......is it okay or is it not okay ???
I wouldn't want my kid going to parties at 14 or 15, why ?? cause its NOT safe. She's my baby and I have every right to decide what is good for Her and what she needs to stay away from...I as a Parent is here, to Guide her, To Protect, to see to it that she doesn't fall into bad company,I'm doing my best to teach her to be Alert and stay safe, It is My Duty. I don't give a S*** about what the society or others have to say regarding me as a over protective Mom. My child will learn on her own with my support,she'll get to party with her friends,but at the right age. She'll get to enjoy life, You need to prioritize your life...life is just not about parties, and Boys. Everything has a place and time......She is a preteen, and has a whole life ahead of her, to think of Boys or Parties !!....Right now,its all about studies and her Karate and growing up to be a responsible,level headed individual .It wont be long when she will begin to make her own choices,Think for herself. When she begins to show maturity in her thoughts and day to day life, I'll know its time for me to back off a little bit and let her Fly. Until that day,I'm her "Over Protective,Paranoid Mom"...I'm Proud of myself.... this is how its gonna be,for some more years....as of now, its not gonna change anything :). I don't fear change, because change is inevitable......We just learn to change with time.....Its just Time !!!!
I don't think as Mother, it makes me any backward,old fashioned or narrow minded, if I don't let my baby have it her way....when I know for sure Her way could be a way to Pain and Hurt...why would I want my child to take that way??, I rather teach her how to avoid it.These are her grooming days,Her foundation needs to be strong,for her to build her empire over it.This is where my child needs all the guidance and support that I can provide.I don't want her making any fast paced attempt and then find herself in the wrong direction.I as her Mother,has the best intentions....and She knows it !!! She can have all that she wants.....Parties,Boy Friend,Car...............All at the Right Time !!!!!
Hello Papa......I'm walking In your Foot Steps....Now I know,what it is like to be a Parent.....And I Love You even More...muah
Even before I begin to pen my thoughts,I need to consider a few things regarding the Kids raised under different set of circumstances,situations,class,country....its not easy for me to judge others on my believes,cause its not right on my part to impart advices,as I myself is a "Learner"...With respect to all the readers as a Parent,I understand,You are doing a wonderful job of raising your child/children.With all the sacrifices you do,The love and care,which Only a thoughtful,Parent can give,The bond You share with your Child.....Its only between the "Parent and Child"....thus it makes the relationship....so special !!!
I was born and raised in India.Yes I do have some very Modern as well as some very Ancient ( according to some) ways of thinking.Don't judge me....its not my fault, :) . We all evolve with time,in some cases time goes ahead leaving you behind,but,to make things run smoothly you need to go forward and keep pace with time.I'm of the understanding,when one is at the learning stage...starting off as a new born...toddler...kindergartner...and so on...The child looks up to the Parents and peers for guidance,support, and Advice.It becomes the duty of the Parent to Guide the child,Nurture the innocent brain, feed it with care and Love.In these times,its what You as a parent has learn t and experienced comes to use.We impart to the child,what we know the good the bad,its our life experience that we impart to our offspring,...we try to keep our child safe...we set examples...as good parents...
When my parents raised Me, My dad, imparted the knowledge of/from his generation,what he as a child learned,through his mistakes and He was careful enough to see that I didn't make those choices and tried to keep me safe...( did he do anything wrong,by trying to keep me safe ??)...When I was young,I thought my dad was,over protective..I failed to see the undying Love and Care and Fear,my Dad had for me...Thats because I was not yet a "Parent"...
Times have seen changes,generation gaps are still mentioned from time to time.I was born during the era of....Bread,
Led Zeppelin,April wine, Bee Gees, The Doors, Rolling stones Boston, Billy Idol, Metallica ,MJ, Madonna, Dire Straits, Radio Head, Nirvana, 311,Alice in Chains, Guns N Roses,Santana,.........just to name a few....I grew up listening to them and crooning to their tunes...My Preteen has No idea who these are...She belongs to the generation of...Rihanna, Katy perry, Shakira ,Beyonce, Usher, Nicki Minaj, Adele, Taylor swift......to name a few.....In this age and era of Tech,X box, Laptops ,iPads, and all the other gadgets....There seems to be a void between the Parent and the child..not to forget the extra curricular activities,which take away a lot of time....The tech savvy Parents versus the tech savvy kids !!! Parents all over the world,be it India or America..look for lone time...and children are being encouraged to be independent and keep themselves busy with...Gadgets.
In spite of all the modernization and the technology,Parents have always wanted one thing, which they have made as their Priority in life ( and those who haven't, its high time you did ) The safety and well being of their children. No matter, how broad minded,well educated and modern you are...at the end of the day....You are a "Parent".
PART TWO
Do,I need to doubt my abilities as a Mother ? as a Nurturer ?Well,after some debate last night over how to raise Desi kids in the States,I began to wonder.This takes me back to the generation gap and the cultural infrastructure.
In my experience ( which is relatively vast) I have not come across anyone who sincerely asks for Advice,I have come to understand that when a person,comes to you seeking for your Advice,He/She has already done the research and has come to a conclusion,of the situation.Then,asking for a Advice,can be a matter of habit,or a matter of satisfaction.So,this person feels safer,knowing that,there's another,who sees His/Her point of view and agrees.....Like wise,I do my research carefully and then decide to ask for a second opinion,I'm broad minded and always open to suggestions and like to know what a like minded person would have to say....
But,I would say its not wise on my part to ask a "yet to be parent" about raising Desi Kids in America !! Here its tricky and no matter how like minded or compatible one would be, but,A parent has a totally different view point,almost opposing to that of the 'yet to be parent'....Over the years as a Parent, my priorities seem to have changed,It wasn't unexpected or didn't come as a rude shock...I changed with the change.....Before,I can go any further,I need to take this journey down the memory lane.....It goes way back to my Dad and his growing up days. I agree Living in a big city,or a modern society,brings a change in a person.One can be totally foolish living amongst scholars,or be aloof and lonely living in NYC !!.....like wise,you can be broad minded living in a small town or narrow minded living in a city.....Growing up in my home town,I was considered to be a misfit,because of my thoughts and my modern thinking.....Now I am here in this Modern,broad minded,forward country ......and looks like,I am left behind.....uff
Back in those days 1950's,this is when my Dad was single,He had totally different views which naturally opposed and stood out from the rest of the common crowd.Yes,he wanted to escape from the narrow mindedness and the norms, which bind us to the so called society.To have it his way,He remained single for as long as he possibly could.When all of his friends got married,to the girls chosen for them by the Parents ( called as arranged marriages ),My Dad,went ahead and said he wouldn't settle for any arranged marriage.Call him a rebel !! He went to live in the cities...had a few relationships which didn't work.Finally,my grand dad had to step in and an ultimatum was given.To cut the long story short,My dad married my Mom.He still maintained his thoughts about the society and how he wants to lead His life and what he had in store for his offspring.So,the "yet to be Dad"...was busy making plans,to be the "most broad minded dad" to give the offspring...All the liberty and Freedom and be a buddy !!! okay,sounds interesting...There,the offspring came along,in a Pink bundle...A Baby Girrrrl !!!
Okay, that's me the First born.Now,it was left to see,was he gonna keep his word?? was he gonna be the broad minded dad,he claimed to be...Ahaan,The fun part has yet to begin,( if you're a Dad and your reading this you know what I mean ).... I was the Apple of His Eye !!! A tiny little scratch and the whole roof would come down...My every wish was his command...This,one particular incident,is for ever itched in my mind....we had gone to Bangalore( state capital of Karnataka) which is situated in the South of India...and we were almost reaching back home,to Mangalore...Our driver Dharampal was driving...I must have been 17 yrs old...and I suddenly...gasped,at my forgetfulness,and loudly made a comment....."papa,I had seen this one beautiful gown on Brigade...and goshhh,I wanted it so bad" :( :( .That was it,Dharampal was asked to turn around and we were going back to B'lore for that gown !!!! can you believe it ??? Well that's one side to my loving Papa...I never had to ask for anything twice !! call me pampered ....On the other hand...I was all of 10 and had this desire to learn, to play the Guitar...the answer was NO, a flat NO. Extra curricular activities would interfere with my studies...I was 13 and wanted to learn swimming,again....it was NO. I was 15 and wanted to learn Karate....NO.In the meanwhile my siblings,my 2 brothers,were in to sports,music,instrument...and the blah blah.
At 17,I was a total rebel,I went ahead and took swimming lessons,with out my dad's permission.This doesn't mean I didn't respect him,I was just learning to come out from under his wings.I was trying to tell my Dad its okay,I can take care of myself,he needn't worry.But,each person has a different way of conveying a message,some do it aggressively some do it calmly,ultimately it is you who has to decide.There is no Right or Wrong,what you perceive to be "Right",could be "Wrong" in my view. Yes,I was raised with a boundary line drawn neatly and wasn't supposed to cross it.This used to a common practice in almost all the house holds back home in M'lore.One more stricter, than the other.Looking back,I consider myself Lucky cause,I have seen and known some friends,whose parents,were far more strict than my dad.Talking about boys or thinking of a having a boyfriend was Taboo........
Time and again I have rebelled,this is when I was in my 20s yes 20s !! I was offered a job as a Ground Hostess..and this is what my Dad had to say...."Over my dead body,you are NOT taking this job,You are My daughter and you aren't going to work". He was of the thought,that he would be looked down upon,and the damn society would think my dad wasn't capable of taking care of his Family..so,Family,Name and Prestige were the 3 vital issues.......
No man was good enough for this "Papa's girl" Men who came were Analyzed under a microscope.So,years went by,I was seeing my friends marrying and settling down.At 29 the rebel in me woke up,only to get married to the person I had never met before......( yes, I was in for this arranged marriage)...Life is a Gamble,and I'm all for risks !! I have taken risks in the past here and there,a tiny one here a tiny one there...Risks which didn't involve my Family,Risks which were harmless,Risks which didn't hurt someone.I have Gambled with life...But,come to think of it..destiny has always had a different game planed out for me....So,this gambler settles down.....been 15 yrs.
When did I turn and tune in to sound and act like my Dad??? When my Pink Bundle was handed over to me !!! the Fragile little thing,melted my heart,is it possible to Love somebody unconditionally ?? Is it possible to lay your self down for somebody ?? Yes it is...Every parent can do it...Welcome to Parenthood !! I the one with the free spirit...I the Broad minded one....I the Gambler,has turned into the ....Over protective,Paranoid Mom !!!.....Now I ask you.......is it okay or is it not okay ???
I wouldn't want my kid going to parties at 14 or 15, why ?? cause its NOT safe. She's my baby and I have every right to decide what is good for Her and what she needs to stay away from...I as a Parent is here, to Guide her, To Protect, to see to it that she doesn't fall into bad company,I'm doing my best to teach her to be Alert and stay safe, It is My Duty. I don't give a S*** about what the society or others have to say regarding me as a over protective Mom. My child will learn on her own with my support,she'll get to party with her friends,but at the right age. She'll get to enjoy life, You need to prioritize your life...life is just not about parties, and Boys. Everything has a place and time......She is a preteen, and has a whole life ahead of her, to think of Boys or Parties !!....Right now,its all about studies and her Karate and growing up to be a responsible,level headed individual .It wont be long when she will begin to make her own choices,Think for herself. When she begins to show maturity in her thoughts and day to day life, I'll know its time for me to back off a little bit and let her Fly. Until that day,I'm her "Over Protective,Paranoid Mom"...I'm Proud of myself.... this is how its gonna be,for some more years....as of now, its not gonna change anything :). I don't fear change, because change is inevitable......We just learn to change with time.....Its just Time !!!!
I don't think as Mother, it makes me any backward,old fashioned or narrow minded, if I don't let my baby have it her way....when I know for sure Her way could be a way to Pain and Hurt...why would I want my child to take that way??, I rather teach her how to avoid it.These are her grooming days,Her foundation needs to be strong,for her to build her empire over it.This is where my child needs all the guidance and support that I can provide.I don't want her making any fast paced attempt and then find herself in the wrong direction.I as her Mother,has the best intentions....and She knows it !!! She can have all that she wants.....Parties,Boy Friend,Car...............All at the Right Time !!!!!
Hello Papa......I'm walking In your Foot Steps....Now I know,what it is like to be a Parent.....And I Love You even More...muah
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Escape From The Rapist -----
I have shared My Life experiences in here.I write and shed light on My Life,hoping it would bring about a small change and make a difference to another.In the hope, that it may in some way, Help another who is reading and also learn from My Life Experiences. So here goes another one of my Fact of Life....Experience !!!
This incident happened nearly 22 yrs ago. I was singing as I was packing my bags with clothes and blankets and other small belongings to go off to the University to do my Masters in Sociology.For the first time in 22 yrs I would be away from Home.I was off to Mysore, Karnataka,India, A tiny Historical city away from my home town.I smelt "Freedom" and the excitement I was going through is something I can't put in words,it was total......F.R.E.E.D.O.M . Before I proceed ,I have some very Important people I need to mention in this indecent, 1) Vidya , 2) Shilpa-----( My friends, from my Hometown)the three of us, did our Masters together. Vidya and Shilpa did their Masters in English Literature.
3) Pandu-----he is Vidya's Cousin and my senior plus a very good family friend and to top it,he was also Shilpa's neighbor !!!
4) Kumar-----we called him Kumar anna as he was much older to us,Kumar anna was Pandu's co-worker and lived near by to Pandu's house. Last but not the least......
5) Vicky-------Vidya's boy friend. Lastly
6) kalpana------again Vidya's Cousin sister.
The above mentioned people have all played a vital role in this Incident of mine.Hence,its important that I mention their names and how they are all related to me and among themselves.
I was in the final yr of my M.A. The three of us Vidya,Shilpa and myself used to stay at the hostel. which was located next door to the university.It was a very relaxed,open and cool kind of hostel with no hard and fast rules.Infact,it was quite liberal.Yet,on weekends we would long for a escape to Pandu's house.Pandu lived near by ( luckily) The reason why we 3 longed to go to Pandu's place was to..... "Hog" !!! Lolz. small things which we take for granted, when we live at home with our parents,had all turned into luxury. Like for instance The Phone,The TV, The Refrigerator, Food, All of these seemed like luxury when we stayed at the hostel. Pandu was well aware of this,and he would go out of his way to stock the refrigerator for us (so sweet of Him),Then we had the luxury of using his land line for Freeeee...(wow what a luxury) and to top it,we had our own private TV with a video player (DVD wasn't invented then,22yrs ago). He too loved our company,Well tell me who wouldn't ?? We were all cute and charming ;) and made his boring bachelor days more fun. We were also partners in Crime....We would give him and his set of friends company at clubs these were kinda exclusive clubs,were only couples are given admission,If your stag,then you would be, politely asked to leave.Well,so this was kinda working well for us and him.
Every time Pandu left town ( which was twice a month ) He would hand over the house keys to us,and we 3 used to just wait for this opportunity to stay at his place. He had a few rules for us to follow,which we didn't mind. First and foremost was to keep all the "Doors Locked" very important.....then to put a lock on the front Gate !! again Very Important. Then, He had a request...He would say...{" Tey goode goode,shorts ani mini skirts ghaalnuu,bhaayri bhovnookachi go"} Translation.....{"Don't loiter around in short minis and shorts out side of the house"}....how cute is that ??? This was mainly for Vidya... ;) . Vidya,was a cute,short,chubby,girl,who would easily pass off for a high school student.She was barely 4' 10" in height,was more rounded and had cute looks.You could anytime catch her in the shortest of the short minis or shorts,loitering on the front lawn,and trying to get some road side vendor to give her some free "raw mangoes" or "cucumber slices" or some "pea nuts"... Lolz. On the other hand, Shilpa and Myself, were the backyardigans, We were happy to sit there in the back of the house eating pea nuts and gossiping ( yep, those very pea nuts,Vidya used to get from the vendors) hehe.
It was the Monsoons,Month of June,and we were preparing for our final papers.Since I was studying Sociology and both Shilpa and Vidya were studying English Literature,our timings didn't match.Sometimes I would finish a paper a day earlier and sometimes they both would finish a paper sooner.But,that didn't stop us from going over to pandu's place.In fact, we looked forward to go there.Pandu was off to Bangalore to attend some meeting and we three were getting nice and cozy at his place.The fateful day was a Sunday,and I was having a test the next day in the morning ( Monday)Lucky Vidya and Shilpa didn't have to bother until Tuesday.These girls,had already made plans for the evening.Shilpa was going out with her boy friend and Vidya too had made dinner and movie plans with her boy friend. Poor Me :( was the one left behind to study :( .
Vicky,Vidya's boy friend was to come by around 2:00 pm to pick her up.She would be coming back around 8ish,after her movie and dinner date.Same for Shilpa too,Shilpa wasn't expected home until the next day !! She was off with Kiran. A little after 2 we heard the car pull up out side the gate.Both Vidya and I went up to the gate----remember we had to keep the gate "Locked" at any given day or time !! After seeing Vidya off at the gate,I locked the gate,dutifully :P. After locking I went back to sit in the backyard and study.A short while later I heard Vidya calling out my name.When I went over to the gate,Vicky handed me a package...Mmmm smelt yum yum.... It was really so sweet of Vicky and her,to have bought me some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets...yummmy. I went back in side and put it away,as I wasn't very hungry right then,I thought to myself,I'll have it for Dinner.I went back to the backyard stretched myself on the pool side chairs ( except there was no pool) :( and was buried in my book.I must have been out there until late evening,it must have been like 6ish,and it was beginning to get dark. It was also starting to get cloudy and there were dark clouds in the sky. One thing I love about Mysore Monsoons is that,It rains only in the evenings,It would begin to rain in the evenings and go on until wee hrs of the morning the next day. So,sensing that it would start to pour,I decided to go inside the house.It was out of habit and choice,we used to light a mosquito repellent and keep it around the house on the outside. So,I did the needful,I went to the backyard put one out there,then one on the front of the house,I walked over towards the gate,just to check the lock,it was locked and walked back to the house.The distance from the gate to the house was about 30 feet I guess. There wasn't much on the property,On the right side of the house was a huge coconut garden,there was a small patch of land in the backyard of the house.Pandu had a green thumb,he had maintained a small kitchen garden in the backyard, He was very proud of his Kitchen Garden ,He had Cucumber and Bitter gourd creepers, he had let them grow over a couple of iron rods,also grown in there were--- Green Peas,Tomatoes, Green Chillies and a few other veggie's. Okay so,after turning the lights On, both in the front and back of the house. I went in to the bedroom to watch some TV. As a habit,I didn't bother to bolt all the bolts on the door,leading to the back of the house... After,settling on the bed and making myself comfy...I decided to eat some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets.... Mmm
I warmed the Lamb Biryani and the Fish Cutlets opened a can of coke and settled on the bed,switching on the TV. I was,enjoying my food and also Thanking Vidya/Vicky for being so caring and just then the phone rings,Its Pandu...calling to see,if we are doing good,I tell him the girls are out with the boys...and I'm "Home Alone"...He just asks me to stay indoors and a bit of advice here and there and he's done.I hear the thunder and the rains pouring,I hope the lights don't go out,I hate to be in the dark and all alone. Again the phone rings,its Vidya this time,She yaps and yaps about the movie and tells me she's at Kalpana's place ( kalpana is vidya's cousin) and shall be home soon,As we are talking,I hear a knock on the door,I tell vidya, " Hey,Vidya,there is someone at the door" My first guess is, it must be Kumar anna ( Pandu's co-worker). So,I go to look out side and its pitch dark.I remember turning the light "on",I look up at the switch,its ON...I then hear one more knock,this time around the left side of the house,on the kitchen window!!! I'm still not freaked out---why?---cause I'm still thinking it must be Kumar anna !!! He has done that in the past---when ever we girls were alone,He would come by to scare us and knock on the windows and Boooo !!! okay,so I'm not scared,and instead I'm yelling at him to stop it !!!! That is when I hear a male voice----saying-----------"B**** OPEN THE DOOR,I'M THE POLICE"
I went back into the bedroom,picked up the phone and whispered and asked Vidya to come home immediately and told her what's happening.Vidya,asked me not to panic.She gave the phone to Kalpana. Kalpana sensed I was gonna be in big time trouble.She kept talking to me trying to keep me calm.Well so far so good, I wasn't panicking nor did I guess to what extent this would go, at this point,I had no clue at all.I heard a loud kick on the backyard door,another kick on the front door,and his voice was getting louder,calling me names----"S**t open the damn F****** door" .I kept talking to Kalpana and telling her what was happening and she began to Panic,and she was saying---" no matter what happens,..."DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR".... would I ever ??? Darn, I had forgotten to bolt all the bolts on the backyard door,I crept out of the bedroom and as quietly as possible I bolted all the bolts on the door and also switched off all the lights in the house. Meanwhile this man was going round and round the house calling me sick names,cursing me ,swearing and banging on the windows.I went back into the bedroom and was again on the phone with Kalpana,giving her a detailed description of whats happening. Amazingly, I'm just too calm !!! It has not yet "HIT ME" That this is Danger staring at my face. I felt safe cause I'm "Inside the house" and as long as I aint coming out I'm safe. So with courage and feeling bold I yell out at him and ask him to F*** off...
My yelling did no good,instead it was like rubbing salt over a open wound. I didn't see this coming----He got more louder and rude with words and with his deeds,and thats when I heard a loud crash in the Living room. Kalpana who was still on the phone...screamed,yelled and she was more confused than I was.I didn't want to go out into the living room and check,it was very clear he had shattered a window. I was also worried about stepping on the glass, scattered on the floor.So,I just sat still at the foot of the bed crouching in a corner,whispering over the mouth piece with kalpana .At least, I had her virtual presence.Did I thank God too soon ??? The telephone goes Dead in my hand !!! Wow just what I wanted.Great !! I think to myself....Its pouring cats and dogs outside....I'm in a total dark room....with a dead phone....and a Psycho out side the house.Can it get any better ??
I don't know why,but for some reason I was still holding on to the phone,hoping to hear Kalpana on the other end.Suddenly I heard another Crash and something landed right next to my foot,This time it was the window in the bedroom and I saw a flickering flame,I guessed he was using a cigarette lighter and the stuff next to my foot was now visible it was a fist sized Rock.....and I heard his Filthy voice again...and this is what he said....{" I want your H*** to shove my C*** inside"}.....I had NEVER ever heard such filthy language in my life,I felt Humiliated,Violated,Angry....and this is when FEAR crept in....I saw the flame fading away,and even before I could breathe I heard the cracking on the Door ( the backyard door) It sounded like he was using some tool and pounding on the door.......
This is when, I began to weep...with what ever courage I could muster,I slipped on some foot wear,crouched out into the living room and pushed a table across the door, blocking the door. I heard him cursing me and pounding harder,I crept back into the bedroom closed the door and I couldn't find any light weight furniture around,the best option now was to go under the bed. I have fear of small spaces,I'm claustrophobic.With tears rolling down my face,I stayed under the bed...must have been just a couple of minutes.....and I was having a hard time staying calm and I couldn't breathe anymore.If I stayed any longer under the bed,this would have suffocated me,I dragged myself out, I found Pandu's Cricket Bat under the bed,pulled it out and I sat still at the foot of the bed,Crying......Praying
All I could hear,was the thunder and pouring rain.I was too scared to even move from that spot. Thats when I heard a Familiar Voice.... :) Kumar anna, He was calling out to me from the kitchen window....I had Nooooooo courage to open the door to another Male....aahan no way.Soon after wards I heard Vidya, calling out asking me to come and open the gate ( remember the gate is locked). I thanked God and was crying harder both simultaneously,I just rushed out into the pouring rain,what a relief it was to see Vidya !! Both Vicky and Vidya came in and Kumar anna was in the coconut garden looking for the intruder. Kumar was carrying a flash light,He went around the house, looking for the damage.Poor Pandu's Kitchen garden was a total mess,This psycho had snatched out the Iron rod which had the cucumber creeper growing over it,and it was used to crack the door,it was there lying beside the door....the light bulbs,both in the front of the house and in the back of the house were smashed.....last but not the least........He had "cut off" the phone line !!!! wow...So,this guy had come well prepared...he must have been carrying a knife,or scissors or a blade...something sharp....
Vidya and I were both whisked off to Kumar's house for the night.Kumar informed Pandu about the whole incident.It was very kind of Kumar and his Mom to let us stay for the night.Vidya and kumar were both dying to know....But,I was totally silent, I was numb,I just couldn't get myself to open up and tell them anything/everything.I just went off to sleep.....
I woke up at dawn,after a night of nightmares,I was sitting outside with my head buried in my book,when I heard the bike outside,I looked up to "see" Pandu walk in with a serious and stern look on his face. Gosh I began to panic and with out warning,tears began to roll down my cheeks.....goshhh, what timing. He just walked up,hugged me real tight and a quick peck on my forehead and said....." Your safe and that's all that matters "....and later with a grin added....{"Tey gudde gudde skirt ani shorts,hajeh kathiri ghaalnoka malale"} Translation......"This is the only reason why,I would ask you girls not to wear short skirts and roam around " :P
I have no recollection of how I did with my papers,I did pass with a "First Class". More than a week later,once again at Pandu's place we had all gathered,the whole gang....Shilpa,Vidya,Pandu,Vijay,Kumar,Kirti,and Myself ...Vijay and Kirti are Pandu's close friends.This was our last day in Mysore. Done with the Finals and we were to pack and go back home for vacations.....and All of them wanted to hear the story from the horses mouth,and by now I was also ready to tell them all the gory details. We were all in a mood to celebrate,so there was plenty of Good Food and Booze and then of course the VIP of the evening ME....As I ended my story,I looked at them staring at me...with mouths wide open....pin drop silence....and all they could say was................ " Your One Lucky B****" ( all in good humor ).
When I think back.....I say to myself.....What in case,out of stupidity or carelessness I had opened the door.....What in case,I actually believed that man to be a cop and had opened the door....What in case,he was able to break open one of the doors....or...What in case,out of habit I had left the backyard door unlocked ??......Would I be here today,to share this incident with all of You ??.....This would be a case of Rape and Murder !!
When life pulls you through and you face such kind of misadventures,You learn,You become Strong and You know not to turn into that dark ally...no matter how short that road is...This is one of the many reasons,why I'm so possessive and protective over my two Beautiful Babies....This is why,I want them to learn some kind of Martial Art, so You have Confidence,You have Courage.....Apart from the rest of the things.....what you would really need...is Commonsense..........and......."Loads of Luck"
*Until we meet again..Please Stay Safe and Lock The Door*
PS-- After reading about my misadventure,readers have wondered ..." why didn't I call the Police ??? Did I file a Police report ?? Did He get caught ??"
This incident took place 22 yrs ago,If your unawares let me shed some light over the Law system in India,well the Law system in India is Pathetic.More over..... The scenario would have been worst,if I were to call the cops.Rather than helping me and being sympathetic to me and listening to my version of the story....They would bombard me with a million Questions...You never know,they would have,even held me responsible.The last thing I wanted was,A Psycho stalking Me...and a cop case with my Final Exams over me !!!!......More over,remember my land line was CUT OFF !!
This incident happened nearly 22 yrs ago. I was singing as I was packing my bags with clothes and blankets and other small belongings to go off to the University to do my Masters in Sociology.For the first time in 22 yrs I would be away from Home.I was off to Mysore, Karnataka,India, A tiny Historical city away from my home town.I smelt "Freedom" and the excitement I was going through is something I can't put in words,it was total......F.R.E.E.D.O.M . Before I proceed ,I have some very Important people I need to mention in this indecent, 1) Vidya , 2) Shilpa-----( My friends, from my Hometown)the three of us, did our Masters together. Vidya and Shilpa did their Masters in English Literature.
3) Pandu-----he is Vidya's Cousin and my senior plus a very good family friend and to top it,he was also Shilpa's neighbor !!!
4) Kumar-----we called him Kumar anna as he was much older to us,Kumar anna was Pandu's co-worker and lived near by to Pandu's house. Last but not the least......
5) Vicky-------Vidya's boy friend. Lastly
6) kalpana------again Vidya's Cousin sister.
The above mentioned people have all played a vital role in this Incident of mine.Hence,its important that I mention their names and how they are all related to me and among themselves.
I was in the final yr of my M.A. The three of us Vidya,Shilpa and myself used to stay at the hostel. which was located next door to the university.It was a very relaxed,open and cool kind of hostel with no hard and fast rules.Infact,it was quite liberal.Yet,on weekends we would long for a escape to Pandu's house.Pandu lived near by ( luckily) The reason why we 3 longed to go to Pandu's place was to..... "Hog" !!! Lolz. small things which we take for granted, when we live at home with our parents,had all turned into luxury. Like for instance The Phone,The TV, The Refrigerator, Food, All of these seemed like luxury when we stayed at the hostel. Pandu was well aware of this,and he would go out of his way to stock the refrigerator for us (so sweet of Him),Then we had the luxury of using his land line for Freeeee...(wow what a luxury) and to top it,we had our own private TV with a video player (DVD wasn't invented then,22yrs ago). He too loved our company,Well tell me who wouldn't ?? We were all cute and charming ;) and made his boring bachelor days more fun. We were also partners in Crime....We would give him and his set of friends company at clubs these were kinda exclusive clubs,were only couples are given admission,If your stag,then you would be, politely asked to leave.Well,so this was kinda working well for us and him.
Every time Pandu left town ( which was twice a month ) He would hand over the house keys to us,and we 3 used to just wait for this opportunity to stay at his place. He had a few rules for us to follow,which we didn't mind. First and foremost was to keep all the "Doors Locked" very important.....then to put a lock on the front Gate !! again Very Important. Then, He had a request...He would say...{" Tey goode goode,shorts ani mini skirts ghaalnuu,bhaayri bhovnookachi go"} Translation.....{"Don't loiter around in short minis and shorts out side of the house"}....how cute is that ??? This was mainly for Vidya... ;) . Vidya,was a cute,short,chubby,girl,who would easily pass off for a high school student.She was barely 4' 10" in height,was more rounded and had cute looks.You could anytime catch her in the shortest of the short minis or shorts,loitering on the front lawn,and trying to get some road side vendor to give her some free "raw mangoes" or "cucumber slices" or some "pea nuts"... Lolz. On the other hand, Shilpa and Myself, were the backyardigans, We were happy to sit there in the back of the house eating pea nuts and gossiping ( yep, those very pea nuts,Vidya used to get from the vendors) hehe.
It was the Monsoons,Month of June,and we were preparing for our final papers.Since I was studying Sociology and both Shilpa and Vidya were studying English Literature,our timings didn't match.Sometimes I would finish a paper a day earlier and sometimes they both would finish a paper sooner.But,that didn't stop us from going over to pandu's place.In fact, we looked forward to go there.Pandu was off to Bangalore to attend some meeting and we three were getting nice and cozy at his place.The fateful day was a Sunday,and I was having a test the next day in the morning ( Monday)Lucky Vidya and Shilpa didn't have to bother until Tuesday.These girls,had already made plans for the evening.Shilpa was going out with her boy friend and Vidya too had made dinner and movie plans with her boy friend. Poor Me :( was the one left behind to study :( .
Vicky,Vidya's boy friend was to come by around 2:00 pm to pick her up.She would be coming back around 8ish,after her movie and dinner date.Same for Shilpa too,Shilpa wasn't expected home until the next day !! She was off with Kiran. A little after 2 we heard the car pull up out side the gate.Both Vidya and I went up to the gate----remember we had to keep the gate "Locked" at any given day or time !! After seeing Vidya off at the gate,I locked the gate,dutifully :P. After locking I went back to sit in the backyard and study.A short while later I heard Vidya calling out my name.When I went over to the gate,Vicky handed me a package...Mmmm smelt yum yum.... It was really so sweet of Vicky and her,to have bought me some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets...yummmy. I went back in side and put it away,as I wasn't very hungry right then,I thought to myself,I'll have it for Dinner.I went back to the backyard stretched myself on the pool side chairs ( except there was no pool) :( and was buried in my book.I must have been out there until late evening,it must have been like 6ish,and it was beginning to get dark. It was also starting to get cloudy and there were dark clouds in the sky. One thing I love about Mysore Monsoons is that,It rains only in the evenings,It would begin to rain in the evenings and go on until wee hrs of the morning the next day. So,sensing that it would start to pour,I decided to go inside the house.It was out of habit and choice,we used to light a mosquito repellent and keep it around the house on the outside. So,I did the needful,I went to the backyard put one out there,then one on the front of the house,I walked over towards the gate,just to check the lock,it was locked and walked back to the house.The distance from the gate to the house was about 30 feet I guess. There wasn't much on the property,On the right side of the house was a huge coconut garden,there was a small patch of land in the backyard of the house.Pandu had a green thumb,he had maintained a small kitchen garden in the backyard, He was very proud of his Kitchen Garden ,He had Cucumber and Bitter gourd creepers, he had let them grow over a couple of iron rods,also grown in there were--- Green Peas,Tomatoes, Green Chillies and a few other veggie's. Okay so,after turning the lights On, both in the front and back of the house. I went in to the bedroom to watch some TV. As a habit,I didn't bother to bolt all the bolts on the door,leading to the back of the house... After,settling on the bed and making myself comfy...I decided to eat some Lamb Biryani and Fish Cutlets.... Mmm
I warmed the Lamb Biryani and the Fish Cutlets opened a can of coke and settled on the bed,switching on the TV. I was,enjoying my food and also Thanking Vidya/Vicky for being so caring and just then the phone rings,Its Pandu...calling to see,if we are doing good,I tell him the girls are out with the boys...and I'm "Home Alone"...He just asks me to stay indoors and a bit of advice here and there and he's done.I hear the thunder and the rains pouring,I hope the lights don't go out,I hate to be in the dark and all alone. Again the phone rings,its Vidya this time,She yaps and yaps about the movie and tells me she's at Kalpana's place ( kalpana is vidya's cousin) and shall be home soon,As we are talking,I hear a knock on the door,I tell vidya, " Hey,Vidya,there is someone at the door" My first guess is, it must be Kumar anna ( Pandu's co-worker). So,I go to look out side and its pitch dark.I remember turning the light "on",I look up at the switch,its ON...I then hear one more knock,this time around the left side of the house,on the kitchen window!!! I'm still not freaked out---why?---cause I'm still thinking it must be Kumar anna !!! He has done that in the past---when ever we girls were alone,He would come by to scare us and knock on the windows and Boooo !!! okay,so I'm not scared,and instead I'm yelling at him to stop it !!!! That is when I hear a male voice----saying-----------"B**** OPEN THE DOOR,I'M THE POLICE"
I went back into the bedroom,picked up the phone and whispered and asked Vidya to come home immediately and told her what's happening.Vidya,asked me not to panic.She gave the phone to Kalpana. Kalpana sensed I was gonna be in big time trouble.She kept talking to me trying to keep me calm.Well so far so good, I wasn't panicking nor did I guess to what extent this would go, at this point,I had no clue at all.I heard a loud kick on the backyard door,another kick on the front door,and his voice was getting louder,calling me names----"S**t open the damn F****** door" .I kept talking to Kalpana and telling her what was happening and she began to Panic,and she was saying---" no matter what happens,..."DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR".... would I ever ??? Darn, I had forgotten to bolt all the bolts on the backyard door,I crept out of the bedroom and as quietly as possible I bolted all the bolts on the door and also switched off all the lights in the house. Meanwhile this man was going round and round the house calling me sick names,cursing me ,swearing and banging on the windows.I went back into the bedroom and was again on the phone with Kalpana,giving her a detailed description of whats happening. Amazingly, I'm just too calm !!! It has not yet "HIT ME" That this is Danger staring at my face. I felt safe cause I'm "Inside the house" and as long as I aint coming out I'm safe. So with courage and feeling bold I yell out at him and ask him to F*** off...
My yelling did no good,instead it was like rubbing salt over a open wound. I didn't see this coming----He got more louder and rude with words and with his deeds,and thats when I heard a loud crash in the Living room. Kalpana who was still on the phone...screamed,yelled and she was more confused than I was.I didn't want to go out into the living room and check,it was very clear he had shattered a window. I was also worried about stepping on the glass, scattered on the floor.So,I just sat still at the foot of the bed crouching in a corner,whispering over the mouth piece with kalpana .At least, I had her virtual presence.Did I thank God too soon ??? The telephone goes Dead in my hand !!! Wow just what I wanted.Great !! I think to myself....Its pouring cats and dogs outside....I'm in a total dark room....with a dead phone....and a Psycho out side the house.Can it get any better ??
I don't know why,but for some reason I was still holding on to the phone,hoping to hear Kalpana on the other end.Suddenly I heard another Crash and something landed right next to my foot,This time it was the window in the bedroom and I saw a flickering flame,I guessed he was using a cigarette lighter and the stuff next to my foot was now visible it was a fist sized Rock.....and I heard his Filthy voice again...and this is what he said....{" I want your H*** to shove my C*** inside"}.....I had NEVER ever heard such filthy language in my life,I felt Humiliated,Violated,Angry....and this is when FEAR crept in....I saw the flame fading away,and even before I could breathe I heard the cracking on the Door ( the backyard door) It sounded like he was using some tool and pounding on the door.......
This is when, I began to weep...with what ever courage I could muster,I slipped on some foot wear,crouched out into the living room and pushed a table across the door, blocking the door. I heard him cursing me and pounding harder,I crept back into the bedroom closed the door and I couldn't find any light weight furniture around,the best option now was to go under the bed. I have fear of small spaces,I'm claustrophobic.With tears rolling down my face,I stayed under the bed...must have been just a couple of minutes.....and I was having a hard time staying calm and I couldn't breathe anymore.If I stayed any longer under the bed,this would have suffocated me,I dragged myself out, I found Pandu's Cricket Bat under the bed,pulled it out and I sat still at the foot of the bed,Crying......Praying
All I could hear,was the thunder and pouring rain.I was too scared to even move from that spot. Thats when I heard a Familiar Voice.... :) Kumar anna, He was calling out to me from the kitchen window....I had Nooooooo courage to open the door to another Male....aahan no way.Soon after wards I heard Vidya, calling out asking me to come and open the gate ( remember the gate is locked). I thanked God and was crying harder both simultaneously,I just rushed out into the pouring rain,what a relief it was to see Vidya !! Both Vicky and Vidya came in and Kumar anna was in the coconut garden looking for the intruder. Kumar was carrying a flash light,He went around the house, looking for the damage.Poor Pandu's Kitchen garden was a total mess,This psycho had snatched out the Iron rod which had the cucumber creeper growing over it,and it was used to crack the door,it was there lying beside the door....the light bulbs,both in the front of the house and in the back of the house were smashed.....last but not the least........He had "cut off" the phone line !!!! wow...So,this guy had come well prepared...he must have been carrying a knife,or scissors or a blade...something sharp....
Vidya and I were both whisked off to Kumar's house for the night.Kumar informed Pandu about the whole incident.It was very kind of Kumar and his Mom to let us stay for the night.Vidya and kumar were both dying to know....But,I was totally silent, I was numb,I just couldn't get myself to open up and tell them anything/everything.I just went off to sleep.....
I woke up at dawn,after a night of nightmares,I was sitting outside with my head buried in my book,when I heard the bike outside,I looked up to "see" Pandu walk in with a serious and stern look on his face. Gosh I began to panic and with out warning,tears began to roll down my cheeks.....goshhh, what timing. He just walked up,hugged me real tight and a quick peck on my forehead and said....." Your safe and that's all that matters "....and later with a grin added....{"Tey gudde gudde skirt ani shorts,hajeh kathiri ghaalnoka malale"} Translation......"This is the only reason why,I would ask you girls not to wear short skirts and roam around " :P
I have no recollection of how I did with my papers,I did pass with a "First Class". More than a week later,once again at Pandu's place we had all gathered,the whole gang....Shilpa,Vidya,Pandu,Vijay,Kumar,Kirti,and Myself ...Vijay and Kirti are Pandu's close friends.This was our last day in Mysore. Done with the Finals and we were to pack and go back home for vacations.....and All of them wanted to hear the story from the horses mouth,and by now I was also ready to tell them all the gory details. We were all in a mood to celebrate,so there was plenty of Good Food and Booze and then of course the VIP of the evening ME....As I ended my story,I looked at them staring at me...with mouths wide open....pin drop silence....and all they could say was................ " Your One Lucky B****" ( all in good humor ).
When I think back.....I say to myself.....What in case,out of stupidity or carelessness I had opened the door.....What in case,I actually believed that man to be a cop and had opened the door....What in case,he was able to break open one of the doors....or...What in case,out of habit I had left the backyard door unlocked ??......Would I be here today,to share this incident with all of You ??.....This would be a case of Rape and Murder !!
When life pulls you through and you face such kind of misadventures,You learn,You become Strong and You know not to turn into that dark ally...no matter how short that road is...This is one of the many reasons,why I'm so possessive and protective over my two Beautiful Babies....This is why,I want them to learn some kind of Martial Art, so You have Confidence,You have Courage.....Apart from the rest of the things.....what you would really need...is Commonsense..........and......."Loads of Luck"
*Until we meet again..Please Stay Safe and Lock The Door*
PS-- After reading about my misadventure,readers have wondered ..." why didn't I call the Police ??? Did I file a Police report ?? Did He get caught ??"
This incident took place 22 yrs ago,If your unawares let me shed some light over the Law system in India,well the Law system in India is Pathetic.More over..... The scenario would have been worst,if I were to call the cops.Rather than helping me and being sympathetic to me and listening to my version of the story....They would bombard me with a million Questions...You never know,they would have,even held me responsible.The last thing I wanted was,A Psycho stalking Me...and a cop case with my Final Exams over me !!!!......More over,remember my land line was CUT OFF !!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sold My Soul For A Dime !!!
I have always been a handful to handle,heard it a million times from my Mom and now from my Dear Hubby.Although both defer in context.Today, I was browsing through some chat logs from the past.Which pulled me back,made me think and then I decided to pen my thoughts down. I'm a Wife and a Mother of Two Beautiful Daughters,of whom I'm very protective and possessive . Proud of my status of being a Mother. Although the reality is, deep down I'm a Woman,with wants,desires and needs. Those physical needs take a big,strong, part in my life.I'm sure I don't have to be too specific here,I wont be talking about my physical needs in all its gory details.Unless you want me to and get entertained in the process ;) Oh yeah,if this isn't your cup of tea...please stop and don't go any further or, you may still want to read...just out of curiosity.... ;)
Let me introduce the naive me to the world of cyber chatting.I wouldn't call it bad or scary as long as you know what you are up to and know how to take care of yourself in all ways possible.Wouldn't call it Dangerous,But its always good to be cautious.If your careful and not naive its a good way to meet people "online". I have always maintained a safe distance and NEVER mixed my real world with the virtual world. There are etiquette's one needs to follow in Life,like wise do the same online as well.Its a reminder once again to follow some simple rules to be safe and remain anonymous.To safe guard your self from any kind of unseen danger ( not that I'm implying,there is unseen danger ). But,its always better to be cautious and not divulge too much to some unseen / unknown person on the other side. He/she could be your next door neighbor or some one on the other side of the world. So,like I said its your call any given day...
Seven year itch,comes and goes every once in 3 months. Hell,I'm surprised I have come along this long,15 years and still stuck together with all its ups and downs,through all the vicissitudes life could throw at us,we ( hubby dear and I ) have managed.The out going and care a damn attitude,clashes with the aloof, detached demeanor of my better half.The one who is for ever seen in his own world of thoughts,I found it intriguing,in the beginning and as time has gone by,just let him be alone with his thoughts.... And here it all began I needed companionship, some one who understood my wants,needs,with out me having to vocally ask for it,some one who could read my mind !! Did I ask for too much ?? Naah,all I wanted was somebody,anybody whom I could share my thoughts ,share my day , talk about something mundane and get a response in return.Well, watch what you pray / wish for,cause here, God answered my prayers.There came along my Friend one day and for some reason introduces me to the Virtual world of Chats....."online chatting"
Most of us are aware,what goes on in the chat rooms,and here I was totally new,naive and gullible.With some pseudo ID ,I venture to see whats in store for me.There I'm in a chat room filled with people,with different Avatars,and unrecognizable,god forsaken id's.I'm in two minds, do I continue or do I make for the door??I'm unprepared,have no idea,no clue, no nothing.I decide to stay a while longer hang around and then leave.As I'm deciding,Pop,a window pops up and is now asking me this strange Question...."your ASL please"?? Gosh,what the hell is ASL ?? I ask back..." sorry,I'm new to all this,can you please,be more specific"?? I was embarrassed at my naivety. But well,I wanted to stick around and I learn fast.....
He tells me his name is "JAGAT" hmm,I aint gonna buy that.Like I say,you can call me "Liala" a pseudo name.So we begin with our array of carefully chosen Q's. When Jagat learns I'm new to this virtual world,I could sense him getting more (protective) or was I just imagining?? He then goes on to elaborately teach me step by step about chat room etiquette,On how to be safe and stay away from unwanted,unasked for danger. I'm there listening to every word like a lost puppy.Thus the journey begins for me,of learning something new,of keeping myself occupied,and I have this new companion whom I have not seen and who lives on the other side of the world,thousands of miles away across the seven seas....
I have so much time at hand,once my child is seen off at the bus stop an she's at school,I'm all alone at home.I go spend time at the gym,get back clean,cook,read...well I still have ample of free time.It was my decision, to be a stay at home mommy,I wanted to be home, when my child got back from school,keep the home nice and tidy and cook for the family,I see nothing wrong in doing so and no one complained.But,I'm bored :( .So,I log in and look for Jagat,we have added each other and there I see his message waiting for me.I click " Laila let me know,when ur online" ( I had kept myself invisible).I answer back and there he is...I'm sure he was waiting for me...I smile,and we begin our casual small talks,He is friendly,and comes across like a straight forward guy.I'm learning little things here and there and grasping every thing like a sponge.Just too attentive, ( can be dangerous ) hehe.
His aloofness is intriguing,His Brilliance is captivating,His charm is seducing,His Authoritative nature is welcoming... Gosh,just 2 months have gone by and I'm addicted to Jagat ,what is happening to me?This cant be happening to me,noways,I know my limits and I know I'm not supposed to cross them,Yet,I go and buy a Cam for my PC. Oh gosh, I'm totally into this man, someone whom, I have not seen and who lives thousands of miles away,and, I have this strange kind of feeling,that this man, can control me,It was His idea for me to invest on a good cam for the PC,so He could see Me. To my surprise I obliged.Now,I'm having these thoughts that he can control my mind, in ways, which I thought was/is impossible.He isn't pushy,or forceful,just quite and aloof with a hint of domination. He is very polite ( when he wants to be). He isn't those caring,or loving types and yet I'm drawn towards Him,for his Originality.I don't remember him ever trying to impress me in any way.He was a breath of fresh air,unique and Different.Yes and I wanted this,Dominating Man....Why ???......cause I have always been a Handful (remember)?? I have always been the dominating one,in all sphere of life,through out life..and here, just one time I wanted some one, who could take over the reigns.. I wanted to step down and let some one dominate me......
Its been 4 months now,I have emerged from being the naive newbie student,to the more sharpened ( not yet skilled ) student.I was so into Jagat by now,I was staying more and more indoors.It had gotten so bad this chatting addiction,was taking over all my free time.Once a week me and my friends,would get together for a "All Ladies" day out or day in...I started making excuses to stay back home,( it was pathetic) one day,I had this "Day In" with my friends over at my place,and rather than mingling with the girls...I was getting cozy with Jagat !! Gosh,what is wrong with me?? I kept telling myself I can stop all this when I want to,I can just let go,I can be free,I'm some one who can not be tamed,so,its gonna be fine,just one more time and I'm done. But,I was wrong all along.As months rolled into a year, and I was still here,still addicted to Jagat and more bolder. I was bold enough to do the cyber cam and also enjoyed watching myself.Its needless to say He enjoyed watching me.....
It all started very slow,Jagat,didn't want to scare me away.So,it just started with showing my face.Once more let me clarify,there was no pushing or forcing involved,just mild pursuing,which I so adored.I let him pursue Me, and He always got what he wanted. It wasn't sweet and caring kinda stuff between us,Although I wished there would be something softer side of him, for me to see. Sometimes the Femininity in me would take over,and I would feel a little Jealous,when he talked about other females he chats with or had chatted with.We were both, familiar by now,and the amazing thing was he knew me like the back of his Palm. " Familiarity Breeds Contempt ",Yes there were those occasional Lies,and I HATE it when I'm being lied to. I was putting up with all his Lies !!!there were too many of them,I didn't care in the beginning,thought I was over reacting.But,when he twisted and played with my mind and made me into believing,that He was right and I was to be blamed,It hurt Me and the rebel in me woke up.I began to question his moves,which caught him off guard. Yet,I wanted him,He made me feel so good about myself (sexually),little did I know I had to pay a small price....
It took me over 2 years,to get totally bare for him,it felt good to be appreciated,I felt good when I was asked to do things to myself,play with myself ,while he watched.Yes,I was comfortable doing everything,touching myself seductively while he watched and I got pleasure ,knowing I was being watched,My every move was being watched,I could feel his gaze travel all over my body,mmm it felt so good,knowing that Jagat was watching me,I could imagine his fingers stroking my bare body,sliding over my curves. His fingers were then, replaced by his mouth,My every Moan was being heard,It was electrifying and unimaginable that someone sitting in the other corner of this Earth could have such a profound impact (hold) over Me and make me feel this way.It was delicious and I welcomed it.....
I let him explore all possibilities and even the impossibilities were tried and I got them right through trial and error. I was exploring the new heights I could reach,Never have I been in so much sync with anyone in the past,this was totally overwhelming and overpowering me. I was a delicate little puppet in his hands and he pursued and nudged me into trying out new things,for My pleasure.What he gained out of all this.....The tittle of being called the "Alpha Male". When I began to realize,where this phase in my life is gonna take me,I started to Q'tion his motives and wasn't very surprised at his Answer.Although it dawned on me,I felt "used"....but,hey,wasn't I enjoying all of this?? All the uncontrollable orgasms the pleasures of the body being touched by none another, but Me?? I would obey Jagat,He was My Guru and Me his obedient disciple. I must admit,I got to learn so much from Him,learn about Myself and how to pleasure myself, About the sacred orifice. I was engulfed by deep thoughts,why did I give myself away to this stranger ?? what was it, that mesmerized Me into this act ?? why and how did I step out of the sanctity of Marriage ?? Have I sinned ?? Is it a Sin to be filled with joy and satisfaction,satisfaction of the physical needs and the pleasures of the flesh,with out being touched by Him....
I was so drawn to Jagat,He lured me delicately,charmingly and pursued Me with out getting too close or touchy. We spent long hrs together,five times a week.This was bad addiction,and I wanted to make a run.This may come as a surprise,it had been 4 yrs by now and how did he manage to still keep Me from not looking else where,I was being faithful and I was content. He had his Kinks and Fetish nothing wrong with that,I was open minded to most things.As long as they caused no harm or damage both physically and mentally. It all started very slow and he never pushed me into trying something I didn't want to try....Like for instance.....Jagat, one time said he wanted to see my toe nails being painted...I got a bottle of nail paint,lifted my feet up,adjusting the cam I painted my toe nails while he watched ( he decided on the color,and I had no choice but to say, yes!!).....On another occasion,He wanted to see me in a Indian attire (Saree),I dolled myself up for Him in a Saree...here again he decided its gonna be a "see through" saree with a "see through" blouse and I wasn't allowed to wear any bra underneath. I was okay with this too,in fact it was a big turn on,I was there chatting away,while he admired me and said " Do you know, how beautiful you look, with your nipples taut against the fabric of your blouse,I can have you right now".......
Why wasn't there any guilt pangs?? was I so vulnerable?? was I so in need of admiration?? Did I want him so much,cause he just admired me and charmed me into submission...what was he doing to me ?? playing with my mind and I in turn was playing with my body,getting in sync with myself,gaining knowledge and I'm a sucker for knowledge,Knowledge of all kinds.Slowly the inhibitions were thrown aside,he was getting more bolder and the demands were stronger.He wouldn't take a "NO" .....One day....He wanted to see me massage myself with baby oil....I was in Tee's and Jagat said...." Laila, I want to see you massage today...go get a bottle of baby oil" I asked ..." jagat,how about baby lotion instead" ..."Laila,baby oil no lotion".....there I was all sweet and obeying and I got some baby oil. Adjusting the cam on my PC I sat down,with the bottle of baby oil,he then said...."okay,with out taking off your Tee's unhook your bra from under your Tee's, and take your bar off" I did as I was asked to do....there I was in my Tee's and no bra,my nipple hard and pointing out. "Laila,take a little oil and rub it over ur neck...move down slowly as slow as you can,from under your Tee's....rub it over your Boobs in circular motion..Mmm yeahhh"......There he was in another part of the world watching me..... rubbing oil,massaging my boobs,playing with my taut nipples and moaning.....he drove me wild,he drove me crazy,he drove me insane, while he watched and I enjoyed...it was total bliss.....
I had to break off this addiction,excess of anything can be harmful. I started to get a little weary and the whole controlling act was getting me a little worried.Once,Jagat said...." Laila, this weekend is "NO" underwear day" I protested... "Jagat,I wont be home,I have to run errands ,You don't expect me to be naked under my clothes,I aint comfortable with the whole idea". I know he didn't like me protesting. By now,I had come a long way from the Naive,Gullible chatter to this bold woman.I was no more a student,I was the skilled chatter.Knew more than,what I had intended to know.My kid was also growing and I had put an End to all this ( I took care never to chat, when my child was home )The time for weaning had to begin.Seven yrs had gone by,wow,time flies ( was it the 7 yr itch ) ;). Very slowly I began my journey of weaning,just like a mother would wean her baby from nursing.First,I cut off the hrs per day,spent longer time at the gym or with a friend.Then,skipped chatting by days,from everyday,to alternate days.Slowly,but steadily I was seen less and less online,Until one day I totally vanished......it doesn't end here....Jagat, got hold of my phone number....
The stalker,hmm,I was now being stalked.It was easy for him to get my phone number.All he did was one day ask my name,My full name,and Voila he had the number...haha, it was that easy.Not only did he get my number, he also had my address, wow...internet....Yet I wasn't worried....Why? cause he was thousands of miles away. In the other corner of the world.So,I felt safe.But,now he began to call me...hmm. Didn't see that coming.He stalked me over the internet.He called my best friend, and sent a message through her,even got hold of her phone number !!!! One day,I get a package in the mail,It felt like a small box in there...so,I open up,and there is a cute jewelry box and inside is a necklace with a "J" pendent....and No return address !!! Hmm spooky isn't it? The calls are still coming ....the numbers change each time...Finally I come to the conclusion,the Addiction was more on His side...than on Mine....I have stopped chatting for the past 4 yrs now,stopped all contact with Jagat......
Chatting and Fooling around is okay,as long as,You know what you are up too.Never get emotionally involved,don't fall into any trap. NEVER MEET IN PERSON cause You never know,who or what he/she is. Yep, You need B**** to go through life and stay sane at the same time !!! This is a real life experience..... as for Jagat..........He called 2 days ago !!!! I don't answer Blank / Anonymous or unknown numbers...... :)
Until we meet again.....Adios and stay safe !!!
Let me introduce the naive me to the world of cyber chatting.I wouldn't call it bad or scary as long as you know what you are up to and know how to take care of yourself in all ways possible.Wouldn't call it Dangerous,But its always good to be cautious.If your careful and not naive its a good way to meet people "online". I have always maintained a safe distance and NEVER mixed my real world with the virtual world. There are etiquette's one needs to follow in Life,like wise do the same online as well.Its a reminder once again to follow some simple rules to be safe and remain anonymous.To safe guard your self from any kind of unseen danger ( not that I'm implying,there is unseen danger ). But,its always better to be cautious and not divulge too much to some unseen / unknown person on the other side. He/she could be your next door neighbor or some one on the other side of the world. So,like I said its your call any given day...
Seven year itch,comes and goes every once in 3 months. Hell,I'm surprised I have come along this long,15 years and still stuck together with all its ups and downs,through all the vicissitudes life could throw at us,we ( hubby dear and I ) have managed.The out going and care a damn attitude,clashes with the aloof, detached demeanor of my better half.The one who is for ever seen in his own world of thoughts,I found it intriguing,in the beginning and as time has gone by,just let him be alone with his thoughts.... And here it all began I needed companionship, some one who understood my wants,needs,with out me having to vocally ask for it,some one who could read my mind !! Did I ask for too much ?? Naah,all I wanted was somebody,anybody whom I could share my thoughts ,share my day , talk about something mundane and get a response in return.Well, watch what you pray / wish for,cause here, God answered my prayers.There came along my Friend one day and for some reason introduces me to the Virtual world of Chats....."online chatting"
Most of us are aware,what goes on in the chat rooms,and here I was totally new,naive and gullible.With some pseudo ID ,I venture to see whats in store for me.There I'm in a chat room filled with people,with different Avatars,and unrecognizable,god forsaken id's.I'm in two minds, do I continue or do I make for the door??I'm unprepared,have no idea,no clue, no nothing.I decide to stay a while longer hang around and then leave.As I'm deciding,Pop,a window pops up and is now asking me this strange Question...."your ASL please"?? Gosh,what the hell is ASL ?? I ask back..." sorry,I'm new to all this,can you please,be more specific"?? I was embarrassed at my naivety. But well,I wanted to stick around and I learn fast.....
He tells me his name is "JAGAT" hmm,I aint gonna buy that.Like I say,you can call me "Liala" a pseudo name.So we begin with our array of carefully chosen Q's. When Jagat learns I'm new to this virtual world,I could sense him getting more (protective) or was I just imagining?? He then goes on to elaborately teach me step by step about chat room etiquette,On how to be safe and stay away from unwanted,unasked for danger. I'm there listening to every word like a lost puppy.Thus the journey begins for me,of learning something new,of keeping myself occupied,and I have this new companion whom I have not seen and who lives on the other side of the world,thousands of miles away across the seven seas....
I have so much time at hand,once my child is seen off at the bus stop an she's at school,I'm all alone at home.I go spend time at the gym,get back clean,cook,read...well I still have ample of free time.It was my decision, to be a stay at home mommy,I wanted to be home, when my child got back from school,keep the home nice and tidy and cook for the family,I see nothing wrong in doing so and no one complained.But,I'm bored :( .So,I log in and look for Jagat,we have added each other and there I see his message waiting for me.I click " Laila let me know,when ur online" ( I had kept myself invisible).I answer back and there he is...I'm sure he was waiting for me...I smile,and we begin our casual small talks,He is friendly,and comes across like a straight forward guy.I'm learning little things here and there and grasping every thing like a sponge.Just too attentive, ( can be dangerous ) hehe.
His aloofness is intriguing,His Brilliance is captivating,His charm is seducing,His Authoritative nature is welcoming... Gosh,just 2 months have gone by and I'm addicted to Jagat ,what is happening to me?This cant be happening to me,noways,I know my limits and I know I'm not supposed to cross them,Yet,I go and buy a Cam for my PC. Oh gosh, I'm totally into this man, someone whom, I have not seen and who lives thousands of miles away,and, I have this strange kind of feeling,that this man, can control me,It was His idea for me to invest on a good cam for the PC,so He could see Me. To my surprise I obliged.Now,I'm having these thoughts that he can control my mind, in ways, which I thought was/is impossible.He isn't pushy,or forceful,just quite and aloof with a hint of domination. He is very polite ( when he wants to be). He isn't those caring,or loving types and yet I'm drawn towards Him,for his Originality.I don't remember him ever trying to impress me in any way.He was a breath of fresh air,unique and Different.Yes and I wanted this,Dominating Man....Why ???......cause I have always been a Handful (remember)?? I have always been the dominating one,in all sphere of life,through out life..and here, just one time I wanted some one, who could take over the reigns.. I wanted to step down and let some one dominate me......
Its been 4 months now,I have emerged from being the naive newbie student,to the more sharpened ( not yet skilled ) student.I was so into Jagat by now,I was staying more and more indoors.It had gotten so bad this chatting addiction,was taking over all my free time.Once a week me and my friends,would get together for a "All Ladies" day out or day in...I started making excuses to stay back home,( it was pathetic) one day,I had this "Day In" with my friends over at my place,and rather than mingling with the girls...I was getting cozy with Jagat !! Gosh,what is wrong with me?? I kept telling myself I can stop all this when I want to,I can just let go,I can be free,I'm some one who can not be tamed,so,its gonna be fine,just one more time and I'm done. But,I was wrong all along.As months rolled into a year, and I was still here,still addicted to Jagat and more bolder. I was bold enough to do the cyber cam and also enjoyed watching myself.Its needless to say He enjoyed watching me.....
It all started very slow,Jagat,didn't want to scare me away.So,it just started with showing my face.Once more let me clarify,there was no pushing or forcing involved,just mild pursuing,which I so adored.I let him pursue Me, and He always got what he wanted. It wasn't sweet and caring kinda stuff between us,Although I wished there would be something softer side of him, for me to see. Sometimes the Femininity in me would take over,and I would feel a little Jealous,when he talked about other females he chats with or had chatted with.We were both, familiar by now,and the amazing thing was he knew me like the back of his Palm. " Familiarity Breeds Contempt ",Yes there were those occasional Lies,and I HATE it when I'm being lied to. I was putting up with all his Lies !!!there were too many of them,I didn't care in the beginning,thought I was over reacting.But,when he twisted and played with my mind and made me into believing,that He was right and I was to be blamed,It hurt Me and the rebel in me woke up.I began to question his moves,which caught him off guard. Yet,I wanted him,He made me feel so good about myself (sexually),little did I know I had to pay a small price....
It took me over 2 years,to get totally bare for him,it felt good to be appreciated,I felt good when I was asked to do things to myself,play with myself ,while he watched.Yes,I was comfortable doing everything,touching myself seductively while he watched and I got pleasure ,knowing I was being watched,My every move was being watched,I could feel his gaze travel all over my body,mmm it felt so good,knowing that Jagat was watching me,I could imagine his fingers stroking my bare body,sliding over my curves. His fingers were then, replaced by his mouth,My every Moan was being heard,It was electrifying and unimaginable that someone sitting in the other corner of this Earth could have such a profound impact (hold) over Me and make me feel this way.It was delicious and I welcomed it.....
I let him explore all possibilities and even the impossibilities were tried and I got them right through trial and error. I was exploring the new heights I could reach,Never have I been in so much sync with anyone in the past,this was totally overwhelming and overpowering me. I was a delicate little puppet in his hands and he pursued and nudged me into trying out new things,for My pleasure.What he gained out of all this.....The tittle of being called the "Alpha Male". When I began to realize,where this phase in my life is gonna take me,I started to Q'tion his motives and wasn't very surprised at his Answer.Although it dawned on me,I felt "used"....but,hey,wasn't I enjoying all of this?? All the uncontrollable orgasms the pleasures of the body being touched by none another, but Me?? I would obey Jagat,He was My Guru and Me his obedient disciple. I must admit,I got to learn so much from Him,learn about Myself and how to pleasure myself, About the sacred orifice. I was engulfed by deep thoughts,why did I give myself away to this stranger ?? what was it, that mesmerized Me into this act ?? why and how did I step out of the sanctity of Marriage ?? Have I sinned ?? Is it a Sin to be filled with joy and satisfaction,satisfaction of the physical needs and the pleasures of the flesh,with out being touched by Him....
I was so drawn to Jagat,He lured me delicately,charmingly and pursued Me with out getting too close or touchy. We spent long hrs together,five times a week.This was bad addiction,and I wanted to make a run.This may come as a surprise,it had been 4 yrs by now and how did he manage to still keep Me from not looking else where,I was being faithful and I was content. He had his Kinks and Fetish nothing wrong with that,I was open minded to most things.As long as they caused no harm or damage both physically and mentally. It all started very slow and he never pushed me into trying something I didn't want to try....Like for instance.....Jagat, one time said he wanted to see my toe nails being painted...I got a bottle of nail paint,lifted my feet up,adjusting the cam I painted my toe nails while he watched ( he decided on the color,and I had no choice but to say, yes!!).....On another occasion,He wanted to see me in a Indian attire (Saree),I dolled myself up for Him in a Saree...here again he decided its gonna be a "see through" saree with a "see through" blouse and I wasn't allowed to wear any bra underneath. I was okay with this too,in fact it was a big turn on,I was there chatting away,while he admired me and said " Do you know, how beautiful you look, with your nipples taut against the fabric of your blouse,I can have you right now".......
Why wasn't there any guilt pangs?? was I so vulnerable?? was I so in need of admiration?? Did I want him so much,cause he just admired me and charmed me into submission...what was he doing to me ?? playing with my mind and I in turn was playing with my body,getting in sync with myself,gaining knowledge and I'm a sucker for knowledge,Knowledge of all kinds.Slowly the inhibitions were thrown aside,he was getting more bolder and the demands were stronger.He wouldn't take a "NO" .....One day....He wanted to see me massage myself with baby oil....I was in Tee's and Jagat said...." Laila, I want to see you massage today...go get a bottle of baby oil" I asked ..." jagat,how about baby lotion instead" ..."Laila,baby oil no lotion".....there I was all sweet and obeying and I got some baby oil. Adjusting the cam on my PC I sat down,with the bottle of baby oil,he then said...."okay,with out taking off your Tee's unhook your bra from under your Tee's, and take your bar off" I did as I was asked to do....there I was in my Tee's and no bra,my nipple hard and pointing out. "Laila,take a little oil and rub it over ur neck...move down slowly as slow as you can,from under your Tee's....rub it over your Boobs in circular motion..Mmm yeahhh"......There he was in another part of the world watching me..... rubbing oil,massaging my boobs,playing with my taut nipples and moaning.....he drove me wild,he drove me crazy,he drove me insane, while he watched and I enjoyed...it was total bliss.....
I had to break off this addiction,excess of anything can be harmful. I started to get a little weary and the whole controlling act was getting me a little worried.Once,Jagat said...." Laila, this weekend is "NO" underwear day" I protested... "Jagat,I wont be home,I have to run errands ,You don't expect me to be naked under my clothes,I aint comfortable with the whole idea". I know he didn't like me protesting. By now,I had come a long way from the Naive,Gullible chatter to this bold woman.I was no more a student,I was the skilled chatter.Knew more than,what I had intended to know.My kid was also growing and I had put an End to all this ( I took care never to chat, when my child was home )The time for weaning had to begin.Seven yrs had gone by,wow,time flies ( was it the 7 yr itch ) ;). Very slowly I began my journey of weaning,just like a mother would wean her baby from nursing.First,I cut off the hrs per day,spent longer time at the gym or with a friend.Then,skipped chatting by days,from everyday,to alternate days.Slowly,but steadily I was seen less and less online,Until one day I totally vanished......it doesn't end here....Jagat, got hold of my phone number....
The stalker,hmm,I was now being stalked.It was easy for him to get my phone number.All he did was one day ask my name,My full name,and Voila he had the number...haha, it was that easy.Not only did he get my number, he also had my address, wow...internet....Yet I wasn't worried....Why? cause he was thousands of miles away. In the other corner of the world.So,I felt safe.But,now he began to call me...hmm. Didn't see that coming.He stalked me over the internet.He called my best friend, and sent a message through her,even got hold of her phone number !!!! One day,I get a package in the mail,It felt like a small box in there...so,I open up,and there is a cute jewelry box and inside is a necklace with a "J" pendent....and No return address !!! Hmm spooky isn't it? The calls are still coming ....the numbers change each time...Finally I come to the conclusion,the Addiction was more on His side...than on Mine....I have stopped chatting for the past 4 yrs now,stopped all contact with Jagat......
Chatting and Fooling around is okay,as long as,You know what you are up too.Never get emotionally involved,don't fall into any trap. NEVER MEET IN PERSON cause You never know,who or what he/she is. Yep, You need B**** to go through life and stay sane at the same time !!! This is a real life experience..... as for Jagat..........He called 2 days ago !!!! I don't answer Blank / Anonymous or unknown numbers...... :)
Until we meet again.....Adios and stay safe !!!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Loving Myself~~~~
It has taken me a long time to Love myself.We are such superficial creatures,who look for beauty ,the outward beauty.What about the inner beauty ?? it takes a while to *SEE* the inner beauty isn't it?? So,I wouldn't blame anyone, for liking someone, for that "pretty face". You spend time,with people,learn more about them,and then decide, is it, "like" or is it "dislike"??
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
Friday, September 7, 2012
~~~~ You Shall Always Remain My Little Baby ~~~~
Okay,done with the Summer vacation,and its back to school .....oh not Me...talking about my little Munchkin. I thought I was done with it,I mean done with crying and getting all sentimental, looking at my little Baby going off to school.But hey,wait,Surprise Surprise !!! I still haven't gotten over it :(
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
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