I have always been a handful to handle,heard it a million times from my Mom and now from my Dear Hubby.Although both defer in context.Today, I was browsing through some chat logs from the past.Which pulled me back,made me think and then I decided to pen my thoughts down. I'm a Wife and a Mother of Two Beautiful Daughters,of whom I'm very protective and possessive . Proud of my status of being a Mother. Although the reality is, deep down I'm a Woman,with wants,desires and needs. Those physical needs take a big,strong, part in my life.I'm sure I don't have to be too specific here,I wont be talking about my physical needs in all its gory details.Unless you want me to and get entertained in the process ;) Oh yeah,if this isn't your cup of tea...please stop and don't go any further or, you may still want to read...just out of curiosity.... ;)
Let me introduce the naive me to the world of cyber chatting.I wouldn't call it bad or scary as long as you know what you are up to and know how to take care of yourself in all ways possible.Wouldn't call it Dangerous,But its always good to be cautious.If your careful and not naive its a good way to meet people "online". I have always maintained a safe distance and NEVER mixed my real world with the virtual world. There are etiquette's one needs to follow in Life,like wise do the same online as well.Its a reminder once again to follow some simple rules to be safe and remain anonymous.To safe guard your self from any kind of unseen danger ( not that I'm implying,there is unseen danger ). But,its always better to be cautious and not divulge too much to some unseen / unknown person on the other side. He/she could be your next door neighbor or some one on the other side of the world. So,like I said its your call any given day...
Seven year itch,comes and goes every once in 3 months. Hell,I'm surprised I have come along this long,15 years and still stuck together with all its ups and downs,through all the vicissitudes life could throw at us,we ( hubby dear and I ) have managed.The out going and care a damn attitude,clashes with the aloof, detached demeanor of my better half.The one who is for ever seen in his own world of thoughts,I found it intriguing,in the beginning and as time has gone by,just let him be alone with his thoughts.... And here it all began I needed companionship, some one who understood my wants,needs,with out me having to vocally ask for it,some one who could read my mind !! Did I ask for too much ?? Naah,all I wanted was somebody,anybody whom I could share my thoughts ,share my day , talk about something mundane and get a response in return.Well, watch what you pray / wish for,cause here, God answered my prayers.There came along my Friend one day and for some reason introduces me to the Virtual world of Chats....."online chatting"
Most of us are aware,what goes on in the chat rooms,and here I was totally new,naive and gullible.With some pseudo ID ,I venture to see whats in store for me.There I'm in a chat room filled with people,with different Avatars,and unrecognizable,god forsaken id's.I'm in two minds, do I continue or do I make for the door??I'm unprepared,have no idea,no clue, no nothing.I decide to stay a while longer hang around and then leave.As I'm deciding,Pop,a window pops up and is now asking me this strange Question...."your ASL please"?? Gosh,what the hell is ASL ?? I ask back..." sorry,I'm new to all this,can you please,be more specific"?? I was embarrassed at my naivety. But well,I wanted to stick around and I learn fast.....
He tells me his name is "JAGAT" hmm,I aint gonna buy that.Like I say,you can call me "Liala" a pseudo name.So we begin with our array of carefully chosen Q's. When Jagat learns I'm new to this virtual world,I could sense him getting more (protective) or was I just imagining?? He then goes on to elaborately teach me step by step about chat room etiquette,On how to be safe and stay away from unwanted,unasked for danger. I'm there listening to every word like a lost puppy.Thus the journey begins for me,of learning something new,of keeping myself occupied,and I have this new companion whom I have not seen and who lives on the other side of the world,thousands of miles away across the seven seas....
I have so much time at hand,once my child is seen off at the bus stop an she's at school,I'm all alone at home.I go spend time at the gym,get back clean,cook,read...well I still have ample of free time.It was my decision, to be a stay at home mommy,I wanted to be home, when my child got back from school,keep the home nice and tidy and cook for the family,I see nothing wrong in doing so and no one complained.But,I'm bored :( .So,I log in and look for Jagat,we have added each other and there I see his message waiting for me.I click " Laila let me know,when ur online" ( I had kept myself invisible).I answer back and there he is...I'm sure he was waiting for me...I smile,and we begin our casual small talks,He is friendly,and comes across like a straight forward guy.I'm learning little things here and there and grasping every thing like a sponge.Just too attentive, ( can be dangerous ) hehe.
His aloofness is intriguing,His Brilliance is captivating,His charm is seducing,His Authoritative nature is welcoming... Gosh,just 2 months have gone by and I'm addicted to Jagat ,what is happening to me?This cant be happening to me,noways,I know my limits and I know I'm not supposed to cross them,Yet,I go and buy a Cam for my PC. Oh gosh, I'm totally into this man, someone whom, I have not seen and who lives thousands of miles away,and, I have this strange kind of feeling,that this man, can control me,It was His idea for me to invest on a good cam for the PC,so He could see Me. To my surprise I obliged.Now,I'm having these thoughts that he can control my mind, in ways, which I thought was/is impossible.He isn't pushy,or forceful,just quite and aloof with a hint of domination. He is very polite ( when he wants to be). He isn't those caring,or loving types and yet I'm drawn towards Him,for his Originality.I don't remember him ever trying to impress me in any way.He was a breath of fresh air,unique and Different.Yes and I wanted this,Dominating Man....Why ???......cause I have always been a Handful (remember)?? I have always been the dominating one,in all sphere of life,through out life..and here, just one time I wanted some one, who could take over the reigns.. I wanted to step down and let some one dominate me......
Its been 4 months now,I have emerged from being the naive newbie student,to the more sharpened ( not yet skilled ) student.I was so into Jagat by now,I was staying more and more indoors.It had gotten so bad this chatting addiction,was taking over all my free time.Once a week me and my friends,would get together for a "All Ladies" day out or day in...I started making excuses to stay back home,( it was pathetic) one day,I had this "Day In" with my friends over at my place,and rather than mingling with the girls...I was getting cozy with Jagat !! Gosh,what is wrong with me?? I kept telling myself I can stop all this when I want to,I can just let go,I can be free,I'm some one who can not be tamed,so,its gonna be fine,just one more time and I'm done. But,I was wrong all along.As months rolled into a year, and I was still here,still addicted to Jagat and more bolder. I was bold enough to do the cyber cam and also enjoyed watching myself.Its needless to say He enjoyed watching me.....
It all started very slow,Jagat,didn't want to scare me away.So,it just started with showing my face.Once more let me clarify,there was no pushing or forcing involved,just mild pursuing,which I so adored.I let him pursue Me, and He always got what he wanted. It wasn't sweet and caring kinda stuff between us,Although I wished there would be something softer side of him, for me to see. Sometimes the Femininity in me would take over,and I would feel a little Jealous,when he talked about other females he chats with or had chatted with.We were both, familiar by now,and the amazing thing was he knew me like the back of his Palm. " Familiarity Breeds Contempt ",Yes there were those occasional Lies,and I HATE it when I'm being lied to. I was putting up with all his Lies !!!there were too many of them,I didn't care in the beginning,thought I was over reacting.But,when he twisted and played with my mind and made me into believing,that He was right and I was to be blamed,It hurt Me and the rebel in me woke up.I began to question his moves,which caught him off guard. Yet,I wanted him,He made me feel so good about myself (sexually),little did I know I had to pay a small price....
It took me over 2 years,to get totally bare for him,it felt good to be appreciated,I felt good when I was asked to do things to myself,play with myself ,while he watched.Yes,I was comfortable doing everything,touching myself seductively while he watched and I got pleasure ,knowing I was being watched,My every move was being watched,I could feel his gaze travel all over my body,mmm it felt so good,knowing that Jagat was watching me,I could imagine his fingers stroking my bare body,sliding over my curves. His fingers were then, replaced by his mouth,My every Moan was being heard,It was electrifying and unimaginable that someone sitting in the other corner of this Earth could have such a profound impact (hold) over Me and make me feel this way.It was delicious and I welcomed it.....
I let him explore all possibilities and even the impossibilities were tried and I got them right through trial and error. I was exploring the new heights I could reach,Never have I been in so much sync with anyone in the past,this was totally overwhelming and overpowering me. I was a delicate little puppet in his hands and he pursued and nudged me into trying out new things,for My pleasure.What he gained out of all this.....The tittle of being called the "Alpha Male". When I began to realize,where this phase in my life is gonna take me,I started to Q'tion his motives and wasn't very surprised at his Answer.Although it dawned on me,I felt "used"....but,hey,wasn't I enjoying all of this?? All the uncontrollable orgasms the pleasures of the body being touched by none another, but Me?? I would obey Jagat,He was My Guru and Me his obedient disciple. I must admit,I got to learn so much from Him,learn about Myself and how to pleasure myself, About the sacred orifice. I was engulfed by deep thoughts,why did I give myself away to this stranger ?? what was it, that mesmerized Me into this act ?? why and how did I step out of the sanctity of Marriage ?? Have I sinned ?? Is it a Sin to be filled with joy and satisfaction,satisfaction of the physical needs and the pleasures of the flesh,with out being touched by Him....
I was so drawn to Jagat,He lured me delicately,charmingly and pursued Me with out getting too close or touchy. We spent long hrs together,five times a week.This was bad addiction,and I wanted to make a run.This may come as a surprise,it had been 4 yrs by now and how did he manage to still keep Me from not looking else where,I was being faithful and I was content. He had his Kinks and Fetish nothing wrong with that,I was open minded to most things.As long as they caused no harm or damage both physically and mentally. It all started very slow and he never pushed me into trying something I didn't want to try....Like for instance.....Jagat, one time said he wanted to see my toe nails being painted...I got a bottle of nail paint,lifted my feet up,adjusting the cam I painted my toe nails while he watched ( he decided on the color,and I had no choice but to say, yes!!).....On another occasion,He wanted to see me in a Indian attire (Saree),I dolled myself up for Him in a Saree...here again he decided its gonna be a "see through" saree with a "see through" blouse and I wasn't allowed to wear any bra underneath. I was okay with this too,in fact it was a big turn on,I was there chatting away,while he admired me and said " Do you know, how beautiful you look, with your nipples taut against the fabric of your blouse,I can have you right now".......
Why wasn't there any guilt pangs?? was I so vulnerable?? was I so in need of admiration?? Did I want him so much,cause he just admired me and charmed me into submission...what was he doing to me ?? playing with my mind and I in turn was playing with my body,getting in sync with myself,gaining knowledge and I'm a sucker for knowledge,Knowledge of all kinds.Slowly the inhibitions were thrown aside,he was getting more bolder and the demands were stronger.He wouldn't take a "NO" .....One day....He wanted to see me massage myself with baby oil....I was in Tee's and Jagat said...." Laila, I want to see you massage today...go get a bottle of baby oil" I asked ..." jagat,how about baby lotion instead" ..."Laila,baby oil no lotion".....there I was all sweet and obeying and I got some baby oil. Adjusting the cam on my PC I sat down,with the bottle of baby oil,he then said...."okay,with out taking off your Tee's unhook your bra from under your Tee's, and take your bar off" I did as I was asked to do....there I was in my Tee's and no bra,my nipple hard and pointing out. "Laila,take a little oil and rub it over ur neck...move down slowly as slow as you can,from under your Tee's....rub it over your Boobs in circular motion..Mmm yeahhh"......There he was in another part of the world watching me..... rubbing oil,massaging my boobs,playing with my taut nipples and moaning.....he drove me wild,he drove me crazy,he drove me insane, while he watched and I enjoyed...it was total bliss.....
I had to break off this addiction,excess of anything can be harmful. I started to get a little weary and the whole controlling act was getting me a little worried.Once,Jagat said...." Laila, this weekend is "NO" underwear day" I protested... "Jagat,I wont be home,I have to run errands ,You don't expect me to be naked under my clothes,I aint comfortable with the whole idea". I know he didn't like me protesting. By now,I had come a long way from the Naive,Gullible chatter to this bold woman.I was no more a student,I was the skilled chatter.Knew more than,what I had intended to know.My kid was also growing and I had put an End to all this ( I took care never to chat, when my child was home )The time for weaning had to begin.Seven yrs had gone by,wow,time flies ( was it the 7 yr itch ) ;). Very slowly I began my journey of weaning,just like a mother would wean her baby from nursing.First,I cut off the hrs per day,spent longer time at the gym or with a friend.Then,skipped chatting by days,from everyday,to alternate days.Slowly,but steadily I was seen less and less online,Until one day I totally vanished......it doesn't end here....Jagat, got hold of my phone number....
The stalker,hmm,I was now being stalked.It was easy for him to get my phone number.All he did was one day ask my name,My full name,and Voila he had the number...haha, it was that easy.Not only did he get my number, he also had my address, wow...internet....Yet I wasn't worried....Why? cause he was thousands of miles away. In the other corner of the world.So,I felt safe.But,now he began to call me...hmm. Didn't see that coming.He stalked me over the internet.He called my best friend, and sent a message through her,even got hold of her phone number !!!! One day,I get a package in the mail,It felt like a small box in there...so,I open up,and there is a cute jewelry box and inside is a necklace with a "J" pendent....and No return address !!! Hmm spooky isn't it? The calls are still coming ....the numbers change each time...Finally I come to the conclusion,the Addiction was more on His side...than on Mine....I have stopped chatting for the past 4 yrs now,stopped all contact with Jagat......
Chatting and Fooling around is okay,as long as,You know what you are up too.Never get emotionally involved,don't fall into any trap. NEVER MEET IN PERSON cause You never know,who or what he/she is. Yep, You need B**** to go through life and stay sane at the same time !!! This is a real life experience..... as for Jagat..........He called 2 days ago !!!! I don't answer Blank / Anonymous or unknown numbers...... :)
Until we meet again.....Adios and stay safe !!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Loving Myself~~~~
It has taken me a long time to Love myself.We are such superficial creatures,who look for beauty ,the outward beauty.What about the inner beauty ?? it takes a while to *SEE* the inner beauty isn't it?? So,I wouldn't blame anyone, for liking someone, for that "pretty face". You spend time,with people,learn more about them,and then decide, is it, "like" or is it "dislike"??
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
I have come across, some most gorgeous faces in my life,with attitude to match and such shallowness. On the other hand I have come across some most gorgeous faces,with such loving nature, warmth and totally down to earth attitude. The gorgeous ones with attitude had underlying issues,one such I remember is "shaswati" a Bong babe. She wasn't any Doll face,yet,she had her nose up in the air,what was she priding herself about??? okay, I agree she had the most gorgeous mane I have ever seen and those dove eyes,which was wide and would get wider when excited or surprised.She had a slender frame, yet again,what was the pride about ???Was it her dusky skin ? or Her slender body ?Was it her job ? She dressed well ( she worked in the fashion industry) but again what was the pride about??? Women are known to pride themselves,When it comes to beauty,( oh, correct me if I'm wrong) or are in a commendable position,or are married to Riches !!! Shaswati had none...so what was the pride about??? I'm confused here...
We ( me and my friends) found it a little hard to understand,why was she hiding her husband from us.On the other hand, she would happily chat away with our husband's,and yes flirt around,She would make excuses each time we invited them both,(she and her hubby), for Lunch or Dinner.She would make a solo appearance with out her husband.This got more and more curious, for us ladies.We had no idea why was she hiding the hubby away.We made assumptions....may be this and may be that.... Finally, the underlying issue,was out in the open and was no more a secret .Yep,one summer day we finally got to meet Mr.Secret ( accidentally) and if Shaswati could have it her way,she wouldn't have ever, bothered to introduce us to him.Reluctantly,we were all introduced to her husband, and what happened next is hard to believe,She made some lame excuse and abruptly went away,leaving behind a confused husband and few of us were shocked.....God forgive me~~ but the truth is~~ He is the most generous and kind hearted,human being~~ with the most scariest face.Yes, its true...The truth was Shaswati was Ashamed of her husband.....This is when I realized, how shallow can one be ???
I introduced him to my DH (PP). He was intelligent,smart and funny.In fact, he was a walking, talking encyclopedia.We started spending more and more time together and realized what a good natured person he is.After awhile the scary face was in the shadows and his helping nature,kindness and generosity shone through..... I invited them both, to our annual Diwali party at our place, it was hard for us to digest and notice how Shaswati treated Him.She looked for a place, away from her Husband,which till to date I remember and I feel the pain !!......We, fondly remember Him... But,on the other hand Shaswati...huh, is that nose of yours still up in the Air ???
I was born a ugly duckling...hehe and I still carry some of the baggage around.I almost went unnoticed in school,if it wasn't for my "A" grades.I was the shy one. College transformed me,from the ugly shy girl,I turned into a Brat...haha.I learned some makeup tricks.I was born with very light eye brows although I have cute pair of eyes,I have that sleepy eyed look.Which makes me look....dull or bored or sleepy.... huh :( . When I was growing up,I was called a China Doll....have heard comments...like { goshhh,her parents are so good looking,even good looking couples can have ugly kids } Lolzzzz...... showing all those people a finger ( _I_ ).... At age 23,I won the Crown, nothing biggy but,I was the WINNER...it was the city level contest,I have also modeled for a couple of renowned magazines.I feel confident when I wear some makeup,I just darken my eyebrows and use some eye liner and Voila !!!. I feel, the need to reveal myself,devoid of any makeup.Would you see me as the same person?? Am I being evaluated for the out ward beauty or is it the inner beauty you have come to see ?? Would You still,enjoy the company of a plain,natural Simple Me ?? Or is it the make up that baffled Thee ?
After the birth of my two beautiful Babies and stretching my Tummy to its maximum,which has thus resulted in,extra skin and stretch marks...( the secret is, I disliked to see myself naked in the mirror ).... It took Me a while to accept every inch of "Me" and to "Love Me". I treat those stretch marks as a "Beautiful Gift of Motherhood". Hubby dear loves me anyway,every way,what ever way,which ever way...... He asks me to be just "Me"..... and,go all "Au Naturel " ~~~~~ its not so difficult to Love Yourself,Love those Dimples on your thighs,just like you would Love them on ur Cheeks...Its okay to be a little rounded or chubby its no biggy. After all.. beneath all that... is that Beautiful Heart,and that Loving Nature....Which I cherish~~~~
~~~~Loving Myself~~~~
Friday, September 7, 2012
~~~~ You Shall Always Remain My Little Baby ~~~~
Okay,done with the Summer vacation,and its back to school .....oh not Me...talking about my little Munchkin. I thought I was done with it,I mean done with crying and getting all sentimental, looking at my little Baby going off to school.But hey,wait,Surprise Surprise !!! I still haven't gotten over it :(
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
It wasn't so long ago,I walked "her" to the bus stop,holding her tiny hand,and talking to her or rather to myself,assuring that all would be well and she wouldn't be scared or bullied.She would be safe.Anxious is a mild way to put it,I was a nervous wreck,Although its not allowed for the parent to climb into the Bus,and though the driver tried stopping me,I ignored ,climbed in,to hug "her" tightly and cried like a grown up baby !!! :( In the Afternoon,I would go and wait at the bus stop, half an hr in advance,just so as to,be well on time and, not miss the bus.The moment I would see My baby,her Angelic face all my tension would pass away. I would just grab her and hug her,kissing her all over,I didn't care what others thought or said, My baby was back home and that was all I needed ,My biggest Trophy !!!!.... Years rolled by,and each time after the Summer vacation...when I saw her off to School,I would come back home and cry like a baby. My hubby dear,would call up to see if I was doing ok ?? I would pretend to be ok....but well....how much can one conceal a croaky voice....hehe
Now she's my preteen young adolescent,doesn't need Mommy to walk her to the bus stop....( as I type this I'm all emotional ) doesn't need Mommy to hold her hand, But,I'm still the nervous wreck of a Mother.My role remains the same,where I'm always worried one moment and praying the next. Its so hard to let go.I no more go to the bus stop to drop "her" neither do I go and wait anxiously/ nervously to pick her back from the bus stop. But,I sure wait for her, to call me on the way to school and back home.I love the time, we spend together,My little munchkin. Its a ritual,every single day, before she is off to school,Both of us cuddle up on the couch,as she drinks her "Ensure" or bites into a juicy Apple. We talk and talk and talk,I lend her some Motherly Advice and Motherly Affection. We talk about this and that in whispers,We don't want to wake up the little monster ( my little one ) who is fast asleep. The little one is all of four,and I hate the thought of sending her off to school,it scares me. Come next yr 2013 and she'll be off to school !!! :(
Is it just Me, or are all Mommy's like Me ?? and how is that the father (s) is not that affected ?? When I would tell DH,how I'm missing my Baby and how scared I'm,He would call me Paranoid.... !@#$%^&*() and I would call him heartless... :( I'm dreading to think of the day My little one ( the little monster ) going to school....oh God,help Me....give me the strength...I know ...one day My babies are gonna fly away, As a Mother all I can do is to Pray, that, they find someone in their lives, who would hold their hands and take care of them.......The fact remains.........
"They are My Babies....and shall Always be"
Love You both......Aryaki and Achiraa... muah !!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Wasted Efforts......
Is it easy to Trust people?? Is it okay to take some one at face value ?? is it easy to accept and look to a trusting relationship?? Be it your own or unknown,But,why would you trust someone Unknown ?? Well, then how about some one known some one your own ,is it okay to lose Trust is it okay to be Doubtful is it okay to be suspicious ?? What comes next ? what does one do from there on ? How do you question the person in concern,how do I confront ? where do I begin ? Do I have substantial proof or is it another piece of my imagination ?? What impact is it gonna make ?? Am I gonna get any closer or Am I gonna be faced with more lies ??What are the chances of finding the truth......Is this what I want ?? The Truth.......
Working at a fast pace,I collect all my thoughts,The memories of the recent past.Although I tried to get rid of most of them....its hard for this Aries mind to forget some of them. Is this a Good sign or a Bad one, only time will tell. I'm not in the habit of dwelling into the past,its more like the Past comes back to haunt me as a reminder or as a savior .I do not forget things easy. If You have been kind and good to me, at one point of my life,I hold it as a debt upon me and shall try my best to repay in Kind. On the other hand,God forbid, You did me some wrong,brought pain and hurt,I shall NEVER forget,May be I shall forgive,But the wound will still linger, its a never healing wound......
Why would I need you in my life ?? If its just that You (Want) Me.Why should I pretend,that all is well ?? Why should I accept You with all your never ending childish tantrums ?? Why should I put up with your never ending Lies ?? Why should I make excuses for You, each time, You say Your busy ?? Knowing You,You may well be with some other woman and Flirting the night away !! Why did I ever accept You each time You came back to Me ?? Was I vulnerable or was it out of pity ?? When I know, I can be better off with some one more Humane, and I don't need another Pervert in my life.Why do I still give you one more chance ?? Searching for the Answer...for... the Truth.....
Are You incapable of knowing what is Hurt,or is it that You derive some kinda sadistic pleasure hurting others ? You chase people who, want You no more,and Ignore the others. I once, Whispered something sweet, in your ears and waited for your response......and in return what I heard was.......{"I like You, but, I like HER a lot more"}......WTF, yep, You reminded Me of a little kid in a candy store, with all the excitement You were in. I dealt with it and carried on,Didn't You notice the Hurt / Pain ? Yet You were the most welcomed person at Home any given day, Invites extended to a Dinner,and you declined to go on a "Dinner Cruise"...I understand its your Life and I have No say...but politeness goes a long way.....
You want Affection, You like being Pampered,You want Friendship,You like My company and My generosity,along with Warmth.....Why cant I expect the same from You, in return ?? Why in the name of ~!@#$% should I give you chances 1,2,3....and put up with the Rea's and the Juan's and a few more ?? Why do I let You come and go, as and when You wish ?? Why is that I see You, ONLY, when You want to see Me ?? Do You know,You are the worst story teller ?? and a Pathetic Liar !! Why the hell do I put up with You ??I'm still on that journey to discover......The Truth.....
It wouldn't have been worth the effort if everything was given to me on a Platter. And on the reverse side,I was given some hints to calculate my Fate.I read people from thousands of miles away,I can sniff a predator out,hidden behind the mask,wasn't the movie of Jekyll and Hyde not enough ?? That I get to meet one in Real !! STOP pulling wool over My eyes....cause..... I Notice things,which people Fail to Notice. I take upon me to Observe and stay Alert...Cause.....I'm the Mother......The Protector......and it is not by fluke I'm called the... "Hawk Mom". I guess...... this is the..... Whole Truth !!
Working at a fast pace,I collect all my thoughts,The memories of the recent past.Although I tried to get rid of most of them....its hard for this Aries mind to forget some of them. Is this a Good sign or a Bad one, only time will tell. I'm not in the habit of dwelling into the past,its more like the Past comes back to haunt me as a reminder or as a savior .I do not forget things easy. If You have been kind and good to me, at one point of my life,I hold it as a debt upon me and shall try my best to repay in Kind. On the other hand,God forbid, You did me some wrong,brought pain and hurt,I shall NEVER forget,May be I shall forgive,But the wound will still linger, its a never healing wound......
Why would I need you in my life ?? If its just that You (Want) Me.Why should I pretend,that all is well ?? Why should I accept You with all your never ending childish tantrums ?? Why should I put up with your never ending Lies ?? Why should I make excuses for You, each time, You say Your busy ?? Knowing You,You may well be with some other woman and Flirting the night away !! Why did I ever accept You each time You came back to Me ?? Was I vulnerable or was it out of pity ?? When I know, I can be better off with some one more Humane, and I don't need another Pervert in my life.Why do I still give you one more chance ?? Searching for the Answer...for... the Truth.....
Are You incapable of knowing what is Hurt,or is it that You derive some kinda sadistic pleasure hurting others ? You chase people who, want You no more,and Ignore the others. I once, Whispered something sweet, in your ears and waited for your response......and in return what I heard was.......{"I like You, but, I like HER a lot more"}......WTF, yep, You reminded Me of a little kid in a candy store, with all the excitement You were in. I dealt with it and carried on,Didn't You notice the Hurt / Pain ? Yet You were the most welcomed person at Home any given day, Invites extended to a Dinner,and you declined to go on a "Dinner Cruise"...I understand its your Life and I have No say...but politeness goes a long way.....
You want Affection, You like being Pampered,You want Friendship,You like My company and My generosity,along with Warmth.....Why cant I expect the same from You, in return ?? Why in the name of ~!@#$% should I give you chances 1,2,3....and put up with the Rea's and the Juan's and a few more ?? Why do I let You come and go, as and when You wish ?? Why is that I see You, ONLY, when You want to see Me ?? Do You know,You are the worst story teller ?? and a Pathetic Liar !! Why the hell do I put up with You ??I'm still on that journey to discover......The Truth.....
It wouldn't have been worth the effort if everything was given to me on a Platter. And on the reverse side,I was given some hints to calculate my Fate.I read people from thousands of miles away,I can sniff a predator out,hidden behind the mask,wasn't the movie of Jekyll and Hyde not enough ?? That I get to meet one in Real !! STOP pulling wool over My eyes....cause..... I Notice things,which people Fail to Notice. I take upon me to Observe and stay Alert...Cause.....I'm the Mother......The Protector......and it is not by fluke I'm called the... "Hawk Mom". I guess...... this is the..... Whole Truth !!
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